update: THE MIRACLE DID HAPPEN (change of heart)

So its real. God answered my prayers. it's like the old Corey, the one I love to death, is back in full swing but its even more now. there's passion like he really cares about me. he doesnt want to lose me and he wants to be around me all the time. i looooooooove it. ok brief recap he didnt come to see me because he tried to surprise me and got lost and went home but he felt really bad when i got mad and asked me to come over that night so i reluctantly did. and it was just awesome hes so sweet to me now. i didnt know he wanted me to spend the night so at like midnight after the second time we had sex i like started getting dressed and he was like what r you doing and i was like im leaving im sleepy and he looked at me like i was crazy like youre not staying? and it took him a minute like not to be mad at me lol but yea so like there was that. then i went over there thursday night too. chris was supposed to take him to a bar to try to get a job and he said i could go but we ended up not going. this was after my photoshoot so i was still all dolled up i didnt wash my makeup off til like right before we were gunna go to sleep. but yea like idk. hes just soooodifferent now. i literally almost thought he was going to say the l word. he did say he really liked me though like as a correction without me really asking. he was very very high so i thought i could get something out of em but he just cannot word shit well lol i asked em why he changed his mind like one minute he didnt like me at all then the next minute he did and he was like well i always liked you and then i was like then why did you act like you didnt and he was like because i was just pushing you away and i was like why and he said i told you why but like he wouldnt tell me like what happened to change his mind about me and he asked me why i was still there and i was like i cant help it and he said well neither can i! and that was actually a decent answer for me. i feel like we're on the exact same page except i do love him. i am so retarded. i just rehearsed a whole scene of him liek doing this big romantic thing and telling me he loved me lmao. wow. grow up, haha anyway but yea ill never tell him how i feel i think he knows. he kept like pressuring me to say what was on my mind and he thought he could guess but he refused to tell me. but he really wanted me to say it and i feel like if he didnt feel the same he wouldnt want me to say it. i was thinking omg i love you BUT he couldnt possibly have known. i feel like hes not going to just tell me. he said when he told brooke he was pressured and he didnt mean it but he could be lying. anyway no but yea i can see him moreso like asking me if i do to make me say it and then agreeing with me. but im not saying it first. period. we can just wait til it overwhelms him then he'll have to say it. but idk i dont want to get ahead of myself last time i thought we were headed that way he tried to jump ship. little by little im feeling like that wont happen like we might make it this time because his heart is in it. he no longer feels like he could just be without me and be fine. i can see the change in him the way he talks to me is different the way he treats me like how much he cares. i actually saw him get mad yesterday and i never used to have that power over him. then i SAW him swallow his pride and put me first like twice. i heard him verbalize his desire to fix things. the issue was something i KNOW he thought was stupid but he made it seem legit because he like...gave in to please me. i didnt let em and maybe i shouldve but i was so mad. it was cause he wouldnt take a pic for my ig and i told em it was really cause we never do anything i want to do and i always do whatever he wants i never tell him no and he made me give examples and i told em the fbo thing and i told him if it ever happened at this point it would be like a proposal because he has made such a big deal of it. and he felt really bad. i literally left because of it and he followed me out and like walked me to my car cause i wouldnt let him drive me and he like just..was around me trying to talk to me the whole time like how can i make this better and he didnt want to see me upset and said he was sorry a gazillion times and told me next time we would do it and he promised. im not going to workout tonight i dont feel like it lol but i also dont think im going to pig out cause i always just do what i want and that is inconsistent with my goals i need to stop. foods not important enough to jeopardize my future and i want to be considered for the bodybuilding.com contest. this year. ive let myself go, got cocky looking so good randomly so i been eating what i want. and now i look nothing like i did and im out of clen im going to have to do it the old fashioned way. but yea soooooo anyway back to corey so yea he said wed talk about things later and i left and i shouldve let him text me but i didnt i texted him some mushy shit i shouldnt have, he took forever to respond and then didnt respond at ALL how i wanted him to but he did confirm that he wasnt going to leave me. idk blah so today i wanted to feel better so i left my phone in the car. he didnt text me in the morning but he texted me at one and i looked back to see his average text time its usually two hours i said best case scenario he texts me a sad face at 330. and when i went to check my phone at 5 i had a sad face at 337! i remember a loooooooong time ago leaving my phone at home on a sunday and he did that he texted me every two hours and it ended with like hope youre okay havent heard from you and the next time i didnt text him back it was a sad face and then ARE YOU ALIVE lol and i remember thinking gah he can go so long without talking to me now. i wanted to see how long it would take him today and it was best case scenario :) yay! its like i got exactly what i asked for he really did have a change of heart and he doesnt know why but i do. its because it was in Gods will he answered my prayer. thank you God. things are great now. ive gotten more relaxed about the texting but we do at least talk every day. and i go over there every other day :) i was thinking like if hes going to pull a Corey itll be thursday or by the end of the week. it wouldve been yday cause i actually expressed feelings and thats usually what guilts him into confessing his lach thereof. but we're on saturday and still going strong. im starting to believe things might be okay after all. i might have kissed the frog thats going to turn into my prince. who knows but Gods will is okay with me :) I am actually hoping he will invite me over tonight cause im not doing anything and i just really love spending time with him and he loves spending time with me and i want to go over there. i mean everything is different its so tender. hes made it super clear that he wants us to be exclusive. the other night he asked me what i would do if i walked in on him eating a girl out and he told me she paid him 200 dollars and what if he would split it with me smh. i told em id never speak to him again. i asked him what hed do if he walked in on me sucking a guys dick and he said it was different but like he got kind of heated i could tell he was like speechless for a minute. hes starting to get the slightest bit possessive. on tuesday night we tyalked about garrisen and he was lecturing me about how for his (garrisens) sake i should cut the friendship off and he pissed me off but aeric said he probably wouldnt say that if he didnt care. i think him losing his job like idk it probably helped a little and i think hell remember that i was there when he didnt have shit to offer really. i dont give a shit i dont love him for money or anything else than just the fact that i do and i cant help it and its unconditional. which is crazy cause idk if ive ever been able to say that before. nothing about him is unattractive to me. i just..love him. and all that he is. and apparently me believing in him is worth it. but anyway yea like on tuesday morning i think it was he was saying i was a fan and a groupie being annoying and then i was like so you have multiples somehow we got on that convo and i was like damn you cant even say im the MAIN ONE and he was like no youre the one and only. and the other night he called me his significant other. its like idk he may not want to officially commit but hes finally committing in deed. he wants to make this work rather than run away and hes made it very clear he wants us to be exclusive. idk. hes sooooo sweet and affectionate everytime im with him im reminded why i stayed around and its just so worth it. if he doesnt invite me over tonight i still know ill see him soon. i just..im so happy right now ya know. he keeps just..things keep etting better. and im okay with how they are and im just hoping they keep progressing. theres passion there now i can feel it it feels like he needs me. and he may not love me yet but i feel like hes on his way. he cares a lot about me and i just feel it. i dont have to read the articles now searching for hope. cause he shows me. the way he kisses me. the way he just looks at me and smiles he like stares me down and like i see it in his eyes he feels the euphoric feeling too when hes with me its addictive. i dont have to do anything for him anymore but when i do hes thankful. i just always like clean up his room and the bathroom etc but i stopped buying him stuff. i never text him first anymore. things are going great. the sex has gotten better especially with my treatments theyre helping but its still dry. im starting a new diet on monday and that should help get rid of my yeast infection which will help with the dryness. me not taking birth control would help the most but thats counter productive so whatever. but yea idk. im going to keep praying everyday for God to bless us and help us keep growing together instead of apart. i love him and i mean i cant wait til he loves me too. i already pray for God to help me be strong and keep Him in the drivers seat and not pressure him. he knows how i feel. he said he didnt want a relationship but i think hes getting closer. by now i thought i wouldve met his family and i said he would probably say he loved me by christmas and thats still a possibility. that would be the best christmas present. but yea i think we're on a healthy track now. usually you dont get a second chance ya know. ugh hes taking forever im going to take a shower and go to the grocery store its looking like hes not going to invite me over but its only 730. its been an hour since hes texted me he was at dinner the last i talked to him. its okay though. i want to be with him tonight but i know i will see him soon so its okay. :) i might get food while im out. next week my goal is to be perfect on my diet until saturday then have a cheat meal and possible also one on sunday then do it again. i want to get down to 12% i gotta make progress every week even though i wont make any this week probably. i might just go back to iifym just for today and tmrw. but yea. the shoot went amazing the pics are amazing. glad i did it i gotta email her so she can start working on those and i gotta start promoting this challenge. but yeaaaaa. lalala happy girl :)