the anxiety returns

It's not necessarily that I think he's going to break it off. he's coming to visit me at work tomorrow since he's going to be in the area :) which i didn't know for sure if he would but he said yes and im happy i pray he comes cause i told everyone he was and aeric expects him. i want him to come in so aeric can get another read on him and tell me what he thinks. and i also just want to see him i love visitors especially him lol i wish i could post about it on facebook ugh i cant wait until my posting priveleges are restored haha. right now i dont want him to feel special or get annoyed. thankfully he did text me back a minute ago even though it took like an hour as usual we cannot have a steady flow of conversation going anymore! so im not going to text him back tonight or in the morning which is going to suck cause idk what time his appt is im guessing its not super early probably like 10. if hes not there by 1 then ill assume hes not coming especially if i havent heard from him. but yea idk its making me feel crappy waiting around for him to text me all the time it drives me crazy and gives me anxiety. like i said its not like i think hes going to break things off again. HE INITIATED ALL OF THIS. and he is the one who said we were talking SO. i think like..when its on his terms. i havent pressured him at all and he's made it clear he sees us as exclusive. so yea. but i just dont like that. i feel like he doesnt like me when he takes forever to text me back and sometimes he doesnt read all my texts. or only responds to some. but yea. we'll see. i feel like i'm starting to let him back in and get comfortable again a little bit and i dont want that! its just....too soon he's not reliable i have MINIMAL collateral. im just so used to relationships with like emotional people. where they just fall for me head over heels so quick and we just cake all the time talking about what how we feel about eachother and spend time together and it just grows more and more with time. BUT i will say, the majority of these people i tended to have lots of drama with, faithfulness issues, and like..they justg were crazy. garrisen and anthony were both super insecure and crazy as affectionate as they might have been. bj cheated on me a LOT and didnt really appreciate me though he was amazing at times. tyree was just...all over the damn place. so this is definitely something new dating what seems to be a normal day to day guy with a normal guy mentality even though his reaction to me is weird. i dont know what the standard is. yes i would prefer he be more affectionate via text though hes very affectionate in person. i would prefer he be more...consistent. and i would have prefer almost all his behavior in the entire month of october just not happened. minus my show weekend. but like.. idk. im just hoping maybe i was right in the beginning. hell honestly the thing is really just does he feel the same. i know i could fall in love with corey if i'd let myself. i know i could be with him for a long time but i just want him to feel the same. right now we're on a similar page, though i'm holding back. i'm hoping maybe the doubt right now will reignite his passion that seems to be what drives him but he is a passionate person i just want to be one of his passions. i want him to think of me how i think of him. it's hard for me to see that happening but sometimes it just takes time for it to develop. jen told me she wasnt sure about roger til the day she married him i dont want to wait that long. but like..idk. we'll see. i just need to stay busy and distract myself but its crazy i mean i'd rather be with him than do anything really. if i had to turn him down like to do something else i wouldnt enjoy myself doing that thing. i want to be with him as much as possible. im hoping like as we hang out more once we both let the past go and just embrace this and enjoy ourselves that it will develop into more ya know. idk what he thinks or feels but apparently its something. he's starting to be more open with me. i have to stay close to God and keep him in mind my anxiety lets me know im not doing that so it's time to re-center. the only way this will work is if its in Gods will. but wow. I didnt realize it until now and I haven't, like I said, really accepted everything and gotten comfortable yet. its like I dont know if this is all Gods will or how its going to turn out so I dont want to start saying thank you for something that I dont have BUT I know that whatever is going on God youre in control and you love and wish well for me. It is all in your plan that will lead me toward prosperity so whether this works out or not thank you. it would appear though that my prayers for a change of heart were answered though Im skeptical and guarded. we'll see how this week goes. Usually he can't go but a couple days without having his little outburst. I'll see him once, he'll invite me back over then being around me like idk as we go through the week i guess he has second thoughts and he ends it like...by thursday. or ill say something to trigger it. but i havent said anything nice to him really. nothing about relationships or ANYTHING. so i mean..idk. i wont say im ready cause im not and i dont want that boy to go anywhere i want to continue down the positive building road that we're on but this is HIS second chance if he blows it he blows it. and it is 100% without a doubt his loss. this time ill just have to man up. but im not going to say anything. at all. done. thats it. if he breaks it off we're just done and idk if i wanna be friends. i think we might be okay this time though cause we're both working on things. when i was leaving his apartment he said something to fuck with me like he always does and i said something and hes like you walk right into these things and i was like im a girl! we dont want to be picked on! and he was like i guess i could stop huh and i was like or like...and he goes :just bring it down a couple notches: and i was like yea just wein off lol thats the first time he ever suggested he would do something to improve for me. part of me was hoping he'd show up to my job with flowers like he did for brooke. but i know hes not that thoughtful. if only he knew. stuff like that would just make my damn life. i would just DIE. but im lucky if he shows up at all. theres no telling what sweetness lies down the road if we get past this point and this develops and i get into that boys heart. i have no doubt. theres just..something blocking me. he's got to let it down. i cant let him in i hope he can let me in without me letting him in cause i just cant right now as bad as i want to i know better. i just dont want him to become my whole world again when im not his ya know. im actually hoping he will invite me over tomorrow night since i get off so early and dont go in til late the next day though i do have a test to take wednesday. but yea i actually have quizzes to take right now lol im bout to! just had to get this off my chest. but yea,. itd probably be better if i went over thursday. cause im off, i have my shoot i could just go over after that. if he even wanted me over there that early. but yea we'll see. i dont know if i could turn em down if he asked me to go over tomorrow i want to! i probably wouldnt. idc i want to spend as much time with him as possible. he hurt his leg today i feel bad cause hes having such bad luck but he doesnt see it that way hes being a good sport. omg these fucking cats i cant wait til she goes out of heat UGH. anyway yea....im seeing if we make it to the end of the week. if we do thatll be a good sign. cause he cant hold in his rebellion for very long. if he comes to see me at work tomorrow thatll make my day and be major points for him. we'll see. but yea i dont want to puppeteer and try to control him. but its making me like feel crappy everytime i initiate anything and just keeping the text convos going all by myself makes me anxious so what i think i need to do is back off even more. like never text him first even when i desperately want to. he usually texts me by 1. and like dont include so much in the convo. it sucks cause so much stuff happens that i wanna tell em about. but i guess i just wont. when something funny happens ill just have to let it be funny at that moment and just move on. share it with someone whos around. tomorrow will be shipment so itll be easy to focus on work while im at work. cause ill have work to do lol and itll be good practice. i gotta be real tight with my diet tomorrow and wednesday and thursday before the shoot i will not blow this like i did my show and get complacent i gotta be strategic. but yea anyway. so no initiating anything. flirting i guess a little bit is ok but no complimenting. no initiating seeing eachother no initiating convos no admission of feelings. nothing. dont VOLUNTEER info let him ask. be more mysterious i guess. well shit dont try to hard. its just...holding back more. which sucks but hey this is just..what you have to do at this point. be yourself but dont spill your life out on the table. the less he gets of you the more he'll want and if you talk less he'll miss you more and want to see you in person. trying not to puppeteer i just want to feel better and i cant seem to relax. anyway. k gotta take these quizzes. idk. hoping for the best. i hope he comes to see me tomorrow that would make me so happy.