We just want different things

So I ended it today. I don't feel the regret or pain yet. but I'll just have to pray and make myself remember that there was a reason. I was so excited to go over there yesterday but idk he just didnt act the same. still sweet but not as all up on me. its like once i give in he backs off and i hate it. i had to like ask him for attention several times which obviously makes me feel shitty. and he was criticizing my apt as usual. which pissed me off and got me kind of unexcited about my christmas party which if im honest with myself i mainly threw so he could come and i could get pics of us. but there i go doing shit for him again. im still going to have it but i uninvited him. i texted him about it when i left and he like misread the whole thing and sent me a weird response. i shouldve addressed that in my response which i said i wouldnt give. i didnt want to end things. what i really want is for us to be in a relationship and for him to change his fb status but it seems impossible at this point. i couldve sworn we were headed that way i was starting to really believe in this. but today when i brought it up i told him what i wanted for christmas was for us to be actually in a relationship and him to change his fb status. and he was like "ahh..christmas is so soon." and im just like...idk. the jacket reception wasnt what i expected. one doesnt fit im taking it back and getting my money f that. he can keep the other one. idk i was just soooo fed up and unsatisfied when i left that i just cried all the way home and didnt really want to go to work but i hid it well and then it went away towards the end of the day i didnt feel like he would text me today cause i said i needed space but he did. saying like...idk it was really weird compared to what i said he took it the total wrong way. i just thought some distance would help him value me and maybe actually give me what i want. i love being with him i really fucking do and I love him. but like...he shouldve made an honest woman out of me. we spend all this time together we have so much sex and he gets so much head etc its not fair that i cant get a damn title and a fb status. i want him to be proud of me and if hes not like...hes not the one i need to be with. and the jokes are getting so old like i want someone who builds me up not constantly like making fun of me. i hate when he talks about my apt i felt so ballin when i got it. and he jsut makes me feel shitty about it. like shut up dude dont criticise my apt you dont pay for shit thtas what i told him. dont talk shit about my car at least its my car you drive your moms. he bums off everybody and i never even cared. all i ever fucking wanted was him. seriously. and i told him he was like the best bf i ever had. and that i just wanted us to be together again. i mean i know i couldve waited around hiding my feelings til who knows when to see if he might one day want to commit but ive waited so long. 4 months. a bunch of BULLSHIT most of it. and weve been doing amazing building on things for a month now. i just..idk its good i brought it up cause the convo brought me to reality. as much as i love what we have and i know he does too, like...i want what i want and it shouldnt be too much to ask. cause i give so much. EVERYTHING. i was there for him when his faMILY wasnt not even chris not even his sister was really worried about him on thansgiving. i left my family to go make his day better. i put clothes on his back ya know/? brought them toilet paper when they didnt have any. im THE girl. and now the feelings are there on his. part. like if you have commitment issues get over it i told him like its an issue not a handicap. and that his last relationship was fucked up because she was retarded she didnt realize what she had and i do. that he would never have to settle for less and i could change his outlook. but when i was done pep talking i realized i was pep talking and it just brought me to the conclusion. i mean he used the word "force" again. im not forcing anything and im sick of him being blind to whats right in front of his face. i am everything he could ever hope for and way more than he deserves and all i want is him he doesnt even have to do anything. weve been talking more and spending a lot of time together. things are good. but i mean i just dont feel good about everything we do when we're not even in a relationship. if he could stop being selfish for two seconds and realize how much this means to me and that its not worth losing me. but i mean yea i just told em not to stress that we just wanted different things and it wasnt meant to be and i wasnt mad at him. that we could still be friends. and there were no hard feelings. and that he could still hit me up if he ever needed me id still be there for him. with what i mean to be this : <3 but it turns into a face with hearts for eyes in texts -__- boo. but anyway, i definitely didnt wake up feeling like I wanted to end things with Corey today. but I just dont feel like we're on the same page its like when I finally give in he pulls away and it's super annoying. I love that boy. I just want to be done playing games and us be together but I mean I'm not okay with friends with benefits. At some point I have to stand up for myself and either get what I deserve or just politely walk away. and this is me politely walking away. Ive got that peaceful feeling cause i ended it sweetly. But of course my feelings are still there I know I'll suffer a lot before I really let go. But I dont want to run back to him I dont want to text him or anything. im just going to have to get through it. I'll pray. This time I'm praying for Gods will. He knows my heart He knows I want Corey, but not just however I can get em. I want a real legit healthy relationship im not doing this college shit anymore playing games. and as uch as i feel like I;ll always love him and will never get over him, Ive felt that way before I know God will take care of me and make sure Im ok no matter what. I do feel like this time its going to hurt him though. like he will actually miss me. and feel regret. i feel like there is a POSSIBILITY if we dont talk for some days possibly the rest of the week it could really hit him and make him see like what he has. i know this time i have some collateral. idk how much but i know for a fact he doesnt want to be without me. he really really likes me now and cares about me a lot. and most of all he loves being with me and we've spent so much time together at this point im positive he'll notice. it was a routine. i was over there every tuesday. and when wednesday rolls around he will think about it because i was supposed to go over there. i know he'll see something or hear something and think of me and if i dont go over all week i know eventually chris is going to ask him about me and i feel like if he tells the truth Chris will probably put him in his place. But idk. i think after all ive done he could do one thing to make me happy but i dont want it now if he isnt proud of me and doesnt want people to know hes with me then he doesnt need to be with me. at all. im not sad yet i know i will be. probably wont be thrilled to wakeup tmrw but i can get through tmrw just like i did today. this is me standing up for what i believe in and i believe in monogamy still. we'll see. i mean i know this is going to bother him. i know he's probably confused as shit right now. but i dont want to hear like i cant make you happy blah blah he doesnt have to tell me im right or that hes not ready for a relationship cause i already know. i get it. idk why but he just doesnt want it. so...i mean what can you do. man i love being with him so much right now its my main thing to look forward to but its still just...i have standards and im sick of lowering them for him. I know God wont let me die alone and he wont let me pine forever over Corey. all the plans I thought we'd have I guess its just not going to happen. Thank you God because at least for right now I have peace. I don't think he's going to be able to truly let me go. And I know there's still a possibility he may not want to lose me. and finally want to confront his commitment issues that he just now developed. but Im not betting on it. I'll probably have to ask Sandra or Dustyn to go to the wedding with me. I can ask if she'll open that day Im off. She might already open Idk. And I dont want to go to the bachelorette party so Im probably going to text Lindsay and tell her my employee called in sick so I have to work a double and wont be able to leave the woodlands til like 930. but yea anyway i reread his text its just as assholish of a response as it always is and later he says he didnt mean it like that. hes all "idk why i do what i do my commitment/caring issue is the way it is" really? fine. accept it. be fucked up. change for some random girl in the future and give her everything you wouldnt give me. last month was amazin g so i wont regret anything. i was happy to be with him. and we made a lot of fun and funny memories i wont forget. obviously it all means more to me than him as it always has and this will always be an issue. he told me three months ago not to rush things and i gave him all month. i was even willing to wait til christmas but finding out he had no intentions of the sort really irritated me. im sick of giving and not recieving. idk i like to think i left em with something. that i opened him up just a little. that idk. hes somehow better because of me or will be. i cant really think of a way that that would be true. but if i leave now and he loses what we had then maybe that will contribute to the betterment of his character. he is an immature person and probably wont change because he is just used to other people taking care of him. he lives his in best friends apartment rent free. his mom buys his groceries and everything else he even drives her car. he doesnt OWN like anything and he is used to just being given everything. so he wasnt super impressed by me apparently i just fit in which is fine. we're friends on fb. we can be friends in the future if we see eachother we can hug and smile and ya know, be cordial. theres no beef. but apparently we are never ever ever getting back together lmao its not funny. and i know im going to feel like crap tmrw but oh well. ill still hit him up for my special supps so i can get on the level for these competitions. but yea. sad ending. but this is all him. he's the one losing the best thing that ever happened to him cause hes too retarded to open his eyes and see what he has. so i really shouldnt be the one crying. i will say. the kisses now like mostly when we're high. but like the sex is just SO intimate and it's just completely different and much better. it lasts longer and we kiss the whole time and i can tell we're both just like..it's just really good and i think if he even tried to have sex with someone else which i tried to get him to confess today (still not 100% confident he hasn't) but anyway i know he would think of me. he told me he loves my kisses. i know anything he did with anyone else would be strictly physical and hed probably feel like dog shit after. i know hes going to think about me. he might be thinking about me right now. but i didnt really leave him any room to say anything. there's no need. im glad with how it ended and that it was on my terms because now i dont have to get hurt when i hear him say that bs that he always says he wont have to reiterate it to me. im happy that i just was strong enough to walk away from something that just...idk...he just didnt value it the way i did. it just wasnt balanced. im tired of dealing with all his "issues" i been his saving grace and im still a secret. i just...want somebody who knows what they want, wants ME, and thinks the world of me. someone that worships the ground i walk on. i want to be madly in love with someone who is madly in love with me and just...have that. fuck the bullshit seriously. im over it. i love him as a person but i can get over like i have everything else in my life and I have Gods help. He's in the drivers seat. And I trust him so I know Im going in the right direction. This has been a long time coming.