Survived Day 1 Feeling Pretty Good

Way better than I have in the past. I actually did not wake up crying. I didnt necessarily want to get up but I wasnt depressed it didnt like hit me that my whole world had just ended. I felt pretty good. I actually went to the gym. Didnt get there when I wanted and didnt stay long but I got a decent workout in and its better than the nothing I been doing! I definitely dont look amazing right now Im probably back up to like 18% bf but I want to get back down to at least 15. My goal is 12 for off season before I start trying to put on muscle but Im going to lift heavy the entire time and just rely on cardio for fat burning so we'll see Im betting I can put on and lose at the same time. Tmrw Im going to shoot for leaving earlier so I can get in a longer workout. Im not eating much cause Im broke. and very very slightly hurt so I mean food is just not a big deal to me right now. Im proud of myself for getting through today. I bet he was expecting to hear from me. I bet he thinks I'll come running back like I always do but I don't need him. He needs me. And I'm not running back to shit. I ended everything friendly and said nothing but nice things about him this time. So I could text em if I wanted to. as a friend which is what we are now. BUT I'm not giving him the satisfaction. I can tell by the fact that he didn't answer me that he isn't 100% sure that that's what he wants. If he just didn't want to be with me and didn't mind us not really having contact he would have just replied like I understand I'm sorry I couldnt give you what you wanted but I'll be happy to keep you in my life as a friend thank you for all youve done blah blah. But he didnt say anything which means he was probably at least slightly upset. I would be. for sure. regardless of how its put or whatever rejection stings. period. and now I'm the dumper. He wouldve texted me today if he wasnt either pissed off or "thinking." I hope that if he is thinking and still decides he's just not ready for a relationship and sees fit to just let me go, that he just wont say anything. it may seem rude but its honestly just courteous. I wont assume he doesnt care. I know he does. or he wouldve texted me back agreeing. I know how he is. He's thinking super hard about what to say. And Im just going to keep praying that when he comes to the conclusion that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me even though i know hes going to hate losing me regardless im not confident it will be enough to make him change his ways and embrace the cuffs. i just pray that if thats the case he keeps it to himself. cause if as the days are going on Im getting stronger starting to forget and make peace with the new situation the last thing im going to want is for him to text me saying oh ive thought long and hard and i didnt know how to say this but i feel like saying nothing would be worse and i dont want you to think i dont care because i do. i really like you and i care about you a lot and i do love being with you but i never wanted a relationship and i still dont im sorry but youre right we just want different things but like i always said i do want you in my life and ill be glad to have you as a friend and ill always be here for you also. REALLY? MAN I KNOW HIM SO WELL NOW THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HIM. I cannot explain to you in plain english how fucking sick i am of THAT bullshit i dont EVER want to hear it again. but this time i think i nipped that in the bud. he wasnt required to say anything. i just made the decision for him. theres nothing TO say accept what, yes i agree we should be friends/? OR no i do not agree. yes i do give a fuck. its just not like him. pretty sure when brooke broke up with him he didnt fight it he probably just let her go cause he proud as fuck. or maybe he chased her because he does love a chase and he did love her whether he admits it or not. and its just a damn shame shes the reason he has "commitment issues." I mean we got through everything. he showed me all his weaknesses and i accepted him just as he was and just believed in him anyway. i showed him mine and he didnt necessarily like it but he accepted them as well. he told me he just didnt want to worry about someone and he was too focused wouldnt make time for me blah blah. but i mean we ended up seeing eachother regularly like..almost 3 times a week. we saw eachother like 13 times in november. like 4 out of 7 days. each week. the whole us seeing eachother too much never became an issue. last week i saw him tuesday wednesday thursday and then sunday. he started letting me in telling me everything. he was a bum and i didnt give a shit. he was like lazy losing confidence feeling shitty and i was still there. he got really comfortable with me. i would come over and we'd separate to workout. everything worked out perfectly. we were texting all day and snap chatting all the time. chris really likes me. he was liking all my instagram pics. i made a status for him on fb and he liked that. things had gotten really good i THOUGHT we were THIS CLOSE to being together. and i guess i couldve waited but im sick of waiting for him and i think the fact that i have been all this time ive just always said its ok and ive always just accepted what i could get spoiled him and he got comfortable thinking id never truly leave but hes about to see. and i really just wonder what its going to be like for him. he let me get really close to him. he was going to come to my xmas party and the wedding with me. and that was like a month in advance he didnt think of me going anywhere. we were gunna compete together next year. i think this time hes attached too. this time i KNOW he really likes me he told me several times. he just doesnt know what he wants maybe this will wake him up and show him because one thing i do know is that he does not just want to stop talking to me and seeing me. i hope God somehow brings me to memory every change He gets. that he will be confronted with this decision everyday everywhere he goes. I really do think this time he is thinking about me. this time hes not happy. this is NOT what he wanted. maybe he thought he could just be without me and things would be fine. maybe he thought id always be there and he'd never have to worry about it. and maybe this will be his reality check. originally honestly thats why i felt compelled to do this. because I wanted to show him like that I am strong enough to walk away now and Im not going to put up with his shit. Maybe he never missed me because I was never truly gone. He has never ever had to deal with me literally ending things and not changing my mind. If Im right this SHOULD really bother him. He should be hurting at least a little bit right now. idk if hes mad or sad or confused. its really like the ball is in his court though because i didnt just do what i normally do and pep talk him waiting for his response. i didnt fucking feel like it this time i hate waiting around for him. so i did it before he had a chance to since he wanted to act like...like its not a big deal. it was a closed ended statement. he's going to have to either i guess just accept the loss if he really and truly just does not want to be in a relationship with me. or he's going to have to compromise more than he ever has. its in Gods hands now. He knows my heart and He knows Coreys and I just asked him God if there are feelings there make him swallow his fear and just act on them. if he feels how I do its going to be extremely hard for him to just let things go. especially since i was supposed to come over tmrw. the days are going to start passing and he is GOING to notice that he has not heard from me at all. i think he will say something. idk what. if its casual conversation, simply because i did say we'd be friends and that there were no hard feelings, i will have to answer. im just going to be super short and not give him any details about my life anymore. i can remember three separate occasions where he couldve just let me go. and not had to deal with the drama but he wanted to fix things. first time was with the picture. i saw him swallow it. i saw his eagerness to make me happy. then there was when i was literally about to leave cause he said he couldnt give me what i want. i really thought i saw a little bit of moisture in his bottom lashes. i saw the stress and turmoil it caused him like he was not okay. and he said he would try thats the first time hes even thought of the possibility and things changed after that. then with the texting he said he was sorry and he knows what he does. and it got better after that. he was so adorable in the snap chats that really just made me remember why i fell for him. we got really really close. i mean really close. and he's been lazy and he knows it. he said his issue was what it was but could this make him want to change it. which is more important to him ya know? Im curious to see. it will hurt me if he just...says its fine and he cant commit. id rather him just not say it. he doesnt have to i took the pressure off with my statement. i can see him saying so is that it? are we just not going to talk now? and idk what id say to that. i guess ill just say of course we can talk we're still friends. its not like youve been texting me and i ignored you. idk. im not giving anything anymore. the suspense is killing me. hes going to have to cave. and there is a slim to none chance that he will. but it is a chance nonetheless. lately hes been surprising me. ive actually been right, so im wondering what he will do. if he will swallow his pride now more than he ever has enough to tell me that he does want to be with me. that hes sorry. and do what he shouldve done a long time ago. i hope it clocks to him somehow that everything ive said suddenly makes sense. that the distance makes the heart grow fonder on his end and he all of a sudden realizes how much i mean to him. there is like deep, passionate emotion buried in that kids heart. i tried to dig it out and i got close. ive seen glimpses. maybe itll sprout out of the ground if i leave it be idk. im scared that things will just be over that hell be too stupid tor each out to me and fix things. even if he just tells me he needs a little more time that would be fine. even though id prefer right now, to know that we're headed in that direction would make me happy. i still want him to go to the wedding with me. id even let him go to the christmas party. well, idk. but im not going over there tmrw. i dont miss him yet. and im just not ready for that i dont want to have sex. really like anymore out of relationship-lock lol its just not fair to me. he gets everything and i get nothing. i think if i take it all away he will surely notice. cause this time its different this time he has fought just as hard to keep it as i have we have become like attached at the hip. and he thinks like its not a big deal. hell be fine. im just another girl. but maybe im not. only an idiot wouldnt notice the gaping hole that me not being there is going to leave. there this song stay by florida georgia line that i love to death and have been playing. man i wish he felt like that. i wish he would feel the regret and the heartache of really messing up and just wishing that you could fix it. but idk how he feels. im guessing though that hes not happy about this. cause he was happy with the way things were. maybe hell wake up in the middle of the night thinking about me again. maybe hell wake up everyday thinking about me. maybe hell see me everywhere he looks. pretty sure i left my bra over there. maybe he'll see that and be reminded. even the toilet paper is from me. and i know Chris is going to bring it up. he could see me everywhere he looks ive touched so many things in that house. when he sees the greek yogurt and wonders whos it is hell know its mine. my tooth brush my face wipes my contact solution. the jacket i bought him. the shows we watched. songs he knows i like. i posted the video on fb for stay hoping hed listen to it. idk. im hoping for a miracle but im just...preparing myself for the worst. the typical Corey shit. where you just BLOW completely something that is so amazing. for no good reason. like brooke is happy man. shes moved on twice so ive heard. but he wont let himself be and its a shame I pray God can you lift the ice off this mans heart can you heal the damage she left and open up his sweet baby heart to let new love in. Cause that's whats happening here. Im not imagining it this time. Ive felt it Ive seen it in his eyes Ive seen the turmoil can you just melt it all away God. Can you save him like youve saved me from making a terrible mistake. I know he is kind of a bum and has so much growing up to do to even be able to take care of himself and call himself a man and he definitely cant take care of me. But he does when he can God. There is so much sweetness in that heart that he just buries God can you just warm it up and melt off the ice and make him feel what he feels show him how good it can be and that he can be happy. i mean idk....i just dont feel like im wrong here. im the best thing thats ever happened to that boy and if he ever just decided to open up completely and let himself fall for me id be the luckiest girl. but i can also see now how this just may not be meant to be. it just...i mean sometimes you just screw stuff up and throw people away. and you really do let them go. happens all the time especially with guys and their pride. and Im praying you can compel him to swallow his but I dont believe in him like I believe in you. All I believe is that no matter what happens I am going to be okay. Ive done this so many times it wont kill me and this time i stood up I put my foot down and I walked away. I dont think he was expecting to read what he read and I dont know how he took it if it bothered him at all. Did he throw his phone did he just say whatever and watch some tv. did he go into chris room and say bro michelle just broke things off with me. did he type something to say and then delete it. was he mad was he sad was he apathetic. is he confused. i wonder what hes feeling but i dont want to wonder anymore. i wanna know. hes either gotta shit or get off the pot hes got to decide if he wants to just have these issues or confront them and face them. for me. i hope somehow this distance and seeing me fine without him will just make him FINALLY value me and see me as something precious he needs to hold onto. for all i know he could already be moving on. but i doubt it. cause i was there. i felt it when he kissed me. i heard him say it. i know how he feels. we'll see how strong it is. everything i said was positive. i ended it with perfect grace. this is his chance to man the fuck up and finally just like open his heart and put himself on the line and make a sacrifice for me for once. and compromise. for him to finally embrace how he feels and the blessing hes been given. cause its not just...idk i know he feels it too. he acts weird sometimes and he gets too comfortable. but I know he cares. and i know this is going to bother him. i dont know what hes going to do. but id imagine id hear from him by friday. i mean the longest weve ever gone without speaking is 2 days i think on the third day i always say something. he has always thought hed be fine without me. now we'll see. he can talk to all his friends watch tv ffreely workout whenever not have any plans just do whatever he wants. and maybe he'll enjoy the freedom. but its more likely he's going to miss me. wish i was there wish he could talk to me. i know hes going to miss my combing my hands through his hair. looking at me talking to me. i know hes going to miss my kisses. and i am positive with all my heart and soul he will DEFINITELY miss the sex and all the head etc. just generally spending time with me and being close to me and he's never had to face the fact that that might be gone forever like i have. it hurts. i think he let himself get attached this time and i know Karma. I know rejection. hes no exception to the rule hes not superman. idk theres always hope. this time though im being smart. and if its time to let go im ready to do that. and see what else God has in store for me. It just seems WILD to think of me and corey just not speaking. just going on and moving on with our lives. he never saw it like i did cause i guess i always placed so much value on it...he never had to. hes never truly had to miss me. i dont think tis going to be as easy as he always thought. and honestly i hope hes hurting i hope it haunts him and hes miserable and comes crawling back on his knees though that doesnt even sound like him. everything would be worth it if he ever just surrendered to me. everything weve been through would be completely worth it. maybe he didnt truly realize his feelings and this distance will help. idk. that would be so amazing. God has worked wonders with us I believe if He truly wants us together than neither of us will be able to eff it up. but I think this had to happen. I had to revoke his privileges and finally put a price on myself and hes going to either have to pay it or lose me. but he cant have me for free anymore. its got to be an even exchange. and this hasnt been fair. so far ive been so patient and so understanding and always done right by him. its his turn to do right by me. what girl says what they want for christmas is literally you. no one they want STUFF. i just want him. and i dont think anything wouldve changed had this not happened so at least now like instead of giving myself away for free and leaving feeling unfulfilled and unsure everytime, even if he does just let me go, ill be on my way to peace. but i really do pray this breaks the spell he's got on him and wakes him up to see that hes free to be howveer he wants and he doesnt have to have these issues. it really just all depends on how strong his feelings are for me. but we needed a break. he needs to decide what he wants and as long as im still there, he wont. hes never had to. we'll see what he chooses. f