Stage 5: Acceptance

December wasnt that great of a month either. Im happy to be starting a new year. wow Cheetara is just sitting in the door way not moving at all STARNG me down. she finally turned her head ater at least 2 minutes haha and now shes back doing it again haha anyway. yea i told em i wanted to see em before the cruise so i did and it was amazing. went back again wednesday cause he wanted me to and it wasnt all that. but i was SO excited for him to come back. then the first day he fell asleep even though i had been planning to go over. then the next day i didnt hear from him til freaking 830. from then on...just issues. but i told him he could fix it if he still went to the wedding with me which he said he would but FORGOT? and made plans. blew me off. i stayed in bed all day depressed and he invited me over i didnt want to go. went most of the trip in mississippi without talking to him. he said merry christmas in a nice way but my response was dry. then i talked to him the day i came back cause i wanted to go over there. told myself i would just mess with his head but i mean idk when we're together its different. so no not really. it was great i mean he promised he wouldnt blow me off again and that things would get better. had AMAZING i miss you sex. i hung out with chris without him cause when i got there he wasnt there lol so me and chris are on good terms and we're back frriends on fb. nyway yea so as usual the NIGHT is great. in the morning i always just feel like he wants me to leave. but we agreed to spend new years eve together. idk he was being kind of rude that day not rude but SUPER neglegent as usual and unapologetic and then i was just like fed up i was ready to give up cause it just...isnt worth it. then i checked to see what i should wear for nye and he ended up getting a job. then i find out kimbo has a limo going to somewhere right down the street so i was trying to figure out where to leave my car when to get a dress whos going to drive me home and then i was like i can ride with corey and so i asked him but i mea he didnt answer before i went to sleep and i was like this is A LOT to do. and i decided id rather just stay home so i texted him saying that just so i wouldnt have to hear his lame no with excuses in the morning. and he said i made him feel bad. but he wanted me to have fun and would do whatever to help. and im like no really i dont want to go. and i mean he answered me like one time after that. thought he might say he didnt want me to be alone after i told him what i was doing. so i could say but you were alone on thanksgiving and hed be reminded how i was there for him. BUT he didnt. his response was fine but just...not what i wanted. so i didnt text back all day. 9 hours later he texted me saying he hopes i have a fun and safe night tn. and i mean. idk i couldve said nothing. nut i was like okay ignoring isnt going to do anything. so i said thank you with an exclamation mark. thought he might text back but no. maybe hes going in to work idk. part of me is wondering if he'll text me at midnight. he knew my big thing was that i wanted a kiss at midnight. ive never had one. thought he might text me happy new years...and that he wished we were together. or that he wished he couldve kissed me at midnight. but he just...he never says anything sweet. i decided last night i was done and i didnt feel different today. im not happy. but ive accepted it. i looked up the 5 stages of grief and i went through all of them. october was a month of denial. and anger. november was....idk bargaining. a lot of bargaining. praying that God would help me out with it. and even bargaining with him. and depression has been scattered throughout there might be some left. at this point im not at any of those stages anymore. im done. ive done it all. i gave it everything i had. now..im just done. i may not like it. but i do accept it. i was holding on to how he was but the truth is ive always felt more for him than he did for me and its never going to change. i couldnt feel less and he couldnt feel more and he just stopped trying its exhausting holding everything together on your own. absolutely...draining. i have no more. if he was wanting to work it out great if we were both trying great. but its ALWAYS been JUST me. even when he was sweet all he ever bought me was dinner an groceries. nothing sweet out of thoughtfulness and he got to skip all the holidays. there was about a month of goodness but even then i could just FEEL that we werent on the same page and thats whats always bothered me. i shouldnt have ever said anything about fb but i could have NEVER guessed that it would be THIS big of a deal. and just tear everything apart. he was gone by the end of october. but he came back. and november i could really see him trying. now, however, nothing. its just..habit. and i get nothing but sex and the occasional company out of this now. he never ever ever thinks about me. all he EVER thinks about is himelf. he doesnt think before he speaks he doesnt think before he acts. he isnt worried about my wellbeing. and i mean its kinda like damn if i dont inspire you to be a better person...im not the one. i wanted to marry him from the beginning but...its just not in the cards. i shouldve let em go from the get but i just couldnt. i had to get it out of my system and now it is. and now i do feel less. a lot less. when i was on my way over there and all the time in mississippi i kept talking about how much i love him. when i was with him saturday night i kept thinking to myself i love you i love you i love you and he keeps trying to get me to say it. he knows. but i will not. cause he doesnt nor will he ever love me. ic ant even picture it now all the odds are against us everything is weird nothing flows. and he just...doesnt want to be with me. thats not attractive to me. i mean....he never ever ever makes me feel good or says anything nice to me. everything he says feels like bullshit sometimes i feel like i might as well be his sister. i mean. it just sucks and im really rally tired of it. to the point yes id rather be alone. truly. i couldve been with him tonight if i felt like going out of my way but i chose to be alone. i had offers. i chose this. i dont know who i am or who im supposed to be or what im supposed to do right now. and the only way im going to find out is if i break away from everyone. ESPECIALLY him. i gotta be with myself to get to know myself. and i dont plan on saying anything or giving him my notice or whatever. whats the point. im just going to completely and entirely stop trying. and it will fall apart on its own because for the past 3 months i have been the sole contributor in this relationship. this non relationship. i gave literally EVERYTHING i had to give and....i have absolutely nothing to show for it. not even pictures. its really really really sad. and i want it to be over. i mean...he USED to make me happy. he USED to be my best friend. but now he is absolutely useless to me. in every way possible. if i have to get some fancy toy to satisfy my sexual needs or whatever so be it. and i will be alone every day, every weekend, every holiday, valentines day, my birthday, alone. and you know what FINE honestly cause its all just been a waste. i make bad calls i pick people who arent right for me and i turn people into monsters ad bring out the worst in them and im so tired of it ending in damn tragedy. i really am. its just...im done. i dont want to look at anyone. i dont need reassurance or affirmation. my confidence and my self esteem is fine. yes it will make me very unhappy when he moves on but i cannot do anything about that or this so i am finally ready to give up. im not angry im not sad. im just done. i dont plan on texting him ever. and if he ever wants to see me ill probably just make up an excuse. because i dont want to drive all the way too cypress. i dont want to just hang out at the apartment and never be seen. i dont want to rpetend im not bothered by the whole nature of the relationship trying to give him the perfect environment to bring out his feelings. whatever. theres no wall. theres no issues. just him and his choice because he just doesnt have strong feelings for me. there is no explanation besides that and it feels bad. it hurts to feel so much and know the other person feels nothing and i just want to be okay. right now im not hurting im okay. its going to be a ..just like okay cool definitely not missing out on anything...when he doesnt even tell me happy new year. theres nothing left here. its just a pile of ashes with no sign of life. pretty sure we can both just walk away. theres still that itty bitty (it is miniscule at this point)part of me that says hey maybe yall just need a break maybe in time...but seriously? come on. nothing. you dont magically develop feelings for someone. it definitely doesnt happen over time. you either feel it or you dont and once its gone its gone. this shit is gone. its new years eve and im syarting off the new year just as i should. alone. and at freaking peace. im ready to let go. im not excited about anything. and getting up in the morning is still hard but im confortable. i feel safe. my anxiety is just 100% lower when we dont speak. i dnt trust him. and i never will im done trying. he stopped trying three months ago. now im going to let go of the string and let it drop to the ground cause theres no air in it to keep it afloat. theres just nothing. i am relieved to have come to this place. it feels good to feel less. very good. now i just want to stay away from boys completely. and just...focus on me. theres...things i want to do. im planning my spring break and my year. without anyone to take into consideration. it feels good. and im about to take some melatonin and go to sleep. theres no reason to be awake. and im ok with it. theres no one in this world i have to impress. 2014 is starting off fresh. and I know God is going to bless me with new everything. new and better. and im excited for this next chapter. im FINALLY ready to close this one.