Conversation to be had....anxiety

I hate this. if things were good before i feel like we're back at square one now. its wednesday, we were literally like perfect on Sunday. idk. i would love for him to put my heart at rest but he may just break it. i have to be prepared. it just feels like its over. i could be wrong but i guess i need to know for sure. i told him at fucking like 12...can we get together and talk today im off. and hes like.. yea we can. said he was lifting. and i just said let me know. and then its 315 im like plz dont have me stuck in traffic and hes like well im about to go grocery shopping with chris and i leave for work at 7 so it seems like a time crunch honestly. and i just know he wasnt even going to text me. i didnt workout. instead i took a shower, straightened my hair, put clothes and makeup on. this is over isnt it :( a few days and he's just over it. i just wanted to talk to him i shouldve known my anxiety was because i wasnt even going to get it. this is not what i thought ...like how i thought things were going to turn out. at all. i thought by today he would be missing me he always snapchats me when hes at work but as usual he's just fine. i am always the one suffering and i know this isnt right. i know that. i know that he doesnt care about me as much as i deserve someone to and the way he acts and treats me considering all ive put up with is wrong. i know that. but walking away is so fucking hard after ALL OF THIS. i shouldnt have texted him yday but honestly im glad cause we're clearly not meant to be. he's not good for me. he gives me anxiety and makes me cry. and just wont give his heart to me. i told him like i can tell you dont want to talk to me and i wish you wouldve told me before i wasted makeup. and then i go back and he hasnt even texted me back. i told him i just wanted to talk everything out and make sure i was making a wise decision but i guess this is my sign. i thought we wouldve worked things out by now. i give up. have a good night at work. i wont bother you anymore. and i blocked him. just on my phone. if its THAT easy for him to just revert back to old ways and go on with his life. it was fine to have me over there when he had no money and nothing to do no job but now that he's got one hes got no use for me. couldve seen that. i mean hes got a good SIDE. but hes not that great of a person. because it's only when its convenient. and he's hurt this good person a lot. now i dont know what to do. i didnt want to spend december being depressed but whatever. i gotta let go.don t want this to be like chester. sometimes people just dont want you. even though im positive i have everything any guy in the whole wide world could possibly want. he just doesnt want me. and it doesnt even feel right now. my trust is broken again and im tired of being the only one working to keep us...not even together. he never intended to get back together with me. somethings wrong with him and honestly id probably be better off if i just stayed away from him completely. him and anyone that reminds me of him. all these plans i have are annoying me. i probably wont do anything on new years. i dont care if i look like i have no life. its the truth. i dont feel like spending money and stretching myself and doing a bunch of shit i dont want to do just so he MIGHT see me and i mean he doesnt give a fuck if im happy or not it wont bother him. i dont want to think about him im sick of everything i do in my life being about him. he shouldve appreciated what he had but he didnt. cause he never gave anything. im not losing anything but company and a dream i had that was never going to come true and i honestly wish i never met the kid because he hasnt been worth a second of the pain hes caused and he still doesnt feel true remorse. it doesnt matter whether i get over him or not hes still not going to freaking like..care. he wont care if i move on he wont care if good things are happening for me. i cant make him care. the distance will only make him forget me more i mean imagine 3 days and hes over me imagine what a week or a few weeks will do and God I just pray I beg you God if you could speed up the process. Like Joel said you make things happen faster and sooner can you please please please go inside my heart and remove these feelings for Corey. Help me protect myself from further pain I just want to get over him and get on with my life and literally like forget EVERYTHING because it wasnt worth it. it was a waste of my life and im ebarrassed that i let it go as far as it did. i really need to work on myself but God like I really need your help. Im lazy and unmotivated and have lost a lot of confidence and willpower and Im not going to lie right now i feel really really stupid. and just...i want to distance myself as much as i can from the problem but everyday i dont even want to wakeup because I know its just going to be freaking torture and im so tired of it i want it to stop right now. i dont even want to have my phone. i feel like the only way I'll possibly be able to not talk to him is to just leave it at home or turn it off or freaking like destroy it. honestly I might start leaving it at home. when I work at least. now my off days are going to be no fun. im off saturday and sunday. im not looking forward to the christmas party. we're allowed to have one at work i might cancel mine because i didnt know that it would save me money and Im not looking forward to it at all. Im going to be quite honest im not looking forward to anything. now im just alone again. alone in everything alone on new years eve i dont want to be around people no one makes me happy. i cant truly enjoy anything without him. i know its unhealthy i obviously fell in love with an idea in my mind instead of the real thing because the real thing is suuuuuuper immature, wreckless, selfish as crap, lazy, shady, unreliable, unappreciative and rude. the only thing i have to look forward to is the money the challenge might bring but im even starting to doubt that. God can you please bring me at least 20 people and help this challenge be successful. help me go on God. cause i dont want to. so far life seems painful and i appear to be really bad at it. i dont even want to check my phone and see that nothingness. this is what i need a christmas miracle for. my whole life has reviolved around boys and i cant seem to stop. im not happy when i dont have one. i need you to save me God. save me from myself and this horrible pattern ive lived my life in give me love and peace inside to fulfill me so i wont have to constantly constatly offer myself up to boys that dont deserve me i want to have peace and be happy by myself. im so tired of hurting. im so tired of busting my butt for people that dont want me or staying in bad relationships and looking and feeling stupid. im so so sick of it. i need help God and this problem has plagued me allll my life its almost like i was born with it and I really like...its too big I cant help myself I dont even know where to start or what to do everything hurts right now and I know that what I really need is you because youre the only one in this whole world with the power to help me. ill never be okay until then. and im so sorry that ive continued to do this. im sorry i kept trying to make this work im sorry i even went over there when he asked me to that time in the beginning of november i shouldve stuck with the original plan. i really am sorry i know i did this to myself i wouldnt listen i was praying for the wrong thing. i didnt want to admit that i was blind and wrong but i was. i saw what i wanted to see not what was really there. i dont even want to eat now i just want to lay here and cry. you should never go out of your way for someone who makes you feel like this. it doesnt matter that he doesnt want me which shows his character even more...i shouldnt want him. just on the basis that he always makes me cry. and gives me anxiety. and has just never given a fuck about me and only cares about himself and is okay with that. i shouldnt have to build a good man from scratch. he has no faith he has no love he has no morals. he's just not the kind of person i want to be with. but my feelings for him were so strong i just wanted to make it work he made me feel so special i wanted to keep it so bad its just like chester. timing. and a stupid ex. God i know this is his mistake but Im the one that feels horrible and i cant imagine how i will feel better cause I know all that awaits me is loneliness. Can you please God. Send me a miracle if you have any to spare to heal my broken heart and help me grow out of this desperate need to have someone. so i can actually find someone someday. and include in that miracle the willpower to let go of this addiction that has done nothing but hurt me. cut all ties, and just be completely done. never speak of him. never speak TO him. and if theres any way you could help me not to think of him. thats the hardest part God i DREAM of this boy every night. God please help me this has gone on so long I cant even remember what life was like when I was happy and not either having anxiety or depression over this boy. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel and in this case my faith is low but what I have left I give to you. I love you and Im sorry I let this happen again I really am I hate to have to keep coming to you but God please please save me.