Word Vomit

So yea like idk as i was typing that last one i just stopped and suddenly felt compelled to text him YET AGAIN with like basically telling him that i think he should consider getting back with brooke. which would obviously be the worst thing ever but damn maybe he needs to. he cant get over the girl. only enough to be physical with someone else. the only reason he hasnt gone back to her is pride. but anyway. yea then all of a sudden it turned into like...a pep talk but really just about him. nothing to do with us or why we should be together in fact in there i said that i realized now it was impissble. i apologized for whatever i did to make the feelings he had in the beginning go away. and i basically went on to fully divulge like the EXACT way i feel and have always felt about him. i told him sometimes i think i love him but i know i dont because my walls went up at one point and my feelings have been the same since. i told him i want him to know like the real reason why i stuck around and put up with so much wasnt because i was stupid. and i listed all the things he did for me. all the things he does that make him not an asshole because i told him he has a choice. and that he cant be a good man sometimes and sometimes not he has to choose. and that im sure shes turned plenty of nice guys into assholes he doesnt have to be one of em. it was really good. im going to read it again i dont even want to delete it its beautifully written and powerful. i pray he at least reads it. he read the snap chats. idk. idk im hoping somehow my words will touch him but hes pretty numb. ive said stuff like this before what would make all this different? probably because it was 100% from the heart. nothing ever comes out right in person or when im angry but at that moment when i felt a sudden peace and comfort i spilled exactly what was on my heart word for word (lots of words) and it felt amazing and it came out beautifully and i cant imagine WHAT he will say to all that. but i know it wont be what i had hoped for all this time. i get it. i really do. im not the girl for him. and we're not meant to be. i finally got to get everything off my chest and i feel a lot better. it was all good. and i just really really hope he takes it to heart so then at least i can say he'll be a better person because of me like the rest instead of just..nothing. walking away nothing. i told em i hope he finds someone about whom he feels how i do about him and then he;ll see why ive been so persistent. and i told him how he looks is only 10% of what he has to offer and i hope he chooses to surround himself with people who are in it for the other 90%. i mean one thing i can say i know he'll always think of me as a really good person. i know he wishes me well and probably wishes he could feel for me how i feel for him cause it sucks when you dont and you know someone is an amazing catch. he tried. he just cant. and i mean...i surrender. i gotta open myself up for new possibilities and just embrace life without him. ill be saving a lot on gas and have spare time to like..sleep. lol cause i cant think of much else id rather do right now but whatevs. things are going to get better. i know they are. Cause God sees me. he's seen all vie tried to do and he knows my heart was pure and had good intentions. He sees my pain and not only will he heal me but he will bless me in the future and help me not only overcome but prosper from this. snapchatting with kimbo and she just asked me where he was. i dont know. and i may never know anymore. this is the end. and i cant be his friend. i like him too much if im going to get over him i have to pretend he doesnt exist and honestly and little as i want to i think im going to HAVE to seek some form of distraction because like...idk im just going to pray. HARD. cause this is going to be hard to get over. i let myself get in DEEP., anyway im about to wash my face, read my beautiful poetic goodbye again and go to sleep. lol i feel ok for now. december will probably be a month of pain now but honestly im ready to let go this isnt even worth all the damn drama.