Over for the last time. I see it all clearly now.

I really truly thought he'd be bothered by it this time. but when I tried to pray for him to do right by me or like..just make it official i could just barely finish the prayer because I knew what I was praying for was impossible. and now here I am crying my eyes out AGAIN. i cant be on here all night like usual because I have a test and its my final and then im free. but i just..need to vent some more. i CANNOT BELIEVE....that this whole last month he was just...enjoying the moment and literally didnt have any intention of making me his gf. I snap chatted him today. something funny just to break the ice. i shouldnt have but honestly im glad i did because now my bu8bble is busted for the last time and im so happy i finally KNOW the truth and can start accepting it. first off, i saw he opened it and didnt even respond. so i texted him was he upset and he was like im not upset i just didnt know how to respond your snapchat was funny lol i was just busy at the moment....fucking really? BUSY DOING WHAT?! FOR ALL I FUCKING KNOW HE COULD BE WITH SOME FUCKING GIRL RIGHT EHR FUCK NOW THOSE USED CONDOMS COULDVE BEEN USED BY HIM I HAVE NO CLUE. and Ill never know i could never really trust him. hes just.... a fucked up individual. and i mean...it just set me off. honestly. i was so nice about the whole thing but for you not to talk to me for like a full day and more. and not have any intentions too then when i try to fucking talk to you youre basically too busy for ME? NIGGA IM AT WORK. im over here thinking hes hurting hes gunna miss me hell come back when in reality its easy come easy go with him. i will NEVER be the girl he cant live without. for whatever reason i dont need any excuses but he fucking acted like we were together ALL month and now i just feel....stupid AGAIN. like i am the red flag ignoring champion. if he hasnt made me his gf after four months...its not going to happen. who knows maybe its a racial thing. im good enough to fuck and give him head and buy him a jacket when hes cold and come fucking bring him food and be with him when his fucking family and even chris wasnt on a freaking holiday when everyone was with their family including me. he has been a BUM for three weeks living off of everyone with literally nothing attractive going for him. and i was still over there twice a week treating him like harry styles. hes chubby and hes still beautiful to me. i stuck around through everything i cannot believe im this girl again. i mean hes just going on with life NO BIG DEAL I CANT BELIEVE THIS I REALLY CANT LIKE HOW FUCKING BLIND AM I. theres nothing thsat can make this better! it just hurts and i feel horrible. nothing. nothing can help. and i know i go off but fucking A man look at all the motherfucking shit i put up with@!@!!!! LOOK AT THE FUCKING GOOD. all ive ever done was build him up and he just crticizies im never ever good enough who the FUCK does he think he is and i wish to God i didnt think so highly of him I wish he was nothing to me. i went back to my fb to delete the posts ive made today but WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MATTER. this boy does not give a fuck. i gabe him a price and i wasnt worth it to him. im so fucking sick of him talking about his issues my question is WHAT THE FUCK DID BROOKE HAVE THAT I DONT. is my fucking hair not long enough and i not white enough are my eyes not blue enough are my lips too big and i too big? am i too dark? do i care too fucking much is that SO MOTHERFUCKING UNATTRACTIVE. am i too understanding am i too forgiving. all the things youd want in a woman. are you fucking kidding me. God help me. Just help me please cause Im so sick of being hurt Im sick of crying my eyes out im sick of being this person but like im wasting my life recovering and then like covering and hunting like Im not going to change. all i want in this worl is love. i will never be happy with anything until i have a partner to live my life with and im tired of all these fakes. i just want someone to love me unconditionally and give me what my heart desires can you please send me an angel i can keep. please. i cant believe this. i wish i never wrote on that wall God i am so sorry. i have been ignoring everything. i can just forget about month one because he changed and it just...it just sucks. he is not who i thought he was. honestly i feel like he might as well just go back to brooke. cause shes moved on like a couple times and is doing whatever but he still cant let himself be happy. ......................................................................................................................................................................completely randomly i just texted him what started out as me telliong him maybe he should just be with brooke. then it turned into literally a NOVEL of me just telling him basically what has been going through my mind the past 4 months and why i do what i do and how i really feel. i was 100% honest i put it all oput there. i know were done. but for once. i got to get it off my chest and it feels good. thank you Lord for letting me do that. it was like i was in a trance. I just pray he reads it so he can kjust...know the truth and i Pray that like my words have so many times in the past that it will touch him SOMEHOW. maybe thats what the quote was about earlier. it said Gods word could awaken the spiritually day and give life to that which appears dead. maybe God just spoke through me and maybe it will wake Corey up. maybe not to me. but...to life. and now maybe he'll be free and have a new outlook on things. cause i dont think anyone else has ever said the things i said to him. maybe this time he'll truly take it to heart.