YOU WIN MOTHERFUCKER YOU DEFINITELY ARE AN ASSHOLE

Like. I can't even cry. I hate him right now. I was so wrong. He's not a nice guy. He's not a good person. He truly is an asshole I shouldve listened to him. Everything he said in the past was bullshit. Blah blah. I wont type everything that ensued but this is what he ended up saying to me after i told him not to talk to me ever again "Wow I could write paragraph after paragraph about everything that you said but I wont be mean like you. Youre off. Youre psychic (im assuming he meant psycho), lol!!! You can get any guy? I can get ANY girl. Yeah youre great and super nice but there is a reason I dont want to be fbo or even friends! Why do you put up with that? This is insane. Youre the crazy one. I told you so many times it wasnt going to work and you were so persistent. Sorry. Delete my number. I knew what I was doing treating you bad. Cause you brought it to that. Delete my number. Bye"

k he might possibly be a bigger mistake than Anthony. And one of the biggest assholes Ive ever met. Its hard because I can't say a whole lot negative about him physical. He's fine as fuck to me. I love his body. Hes an amazing kisser and the sex was great. It didnt last that long and I never came and he didnt do anything to get me wet but it was still good. he's funny. In reality i probably wouldnt want him to get any bigger. fuck. i liked everything about that kid. and i threw away so much. spent like HUNDREDS of dollars im not even going to be able to pay rent or buy my own groceries because I spent so much on him at the damn grocery store. when I know better. buying this damn costume for him. gotta take that back. cleaned out my car and shit. anxiety every day. confidence is down again after anthony did so much to bring it up. i feel like shit because of this boy. I mean....he just made me feel so crappy. i was never good enough. im broke, insecure, and graduating in the summer instead of spring because i was so busy trying to keep this boy who didnt give a shit about keeping me. NO MORE DATING YOUNG EVER. i mean....so confusing. i still dont understand why he had me over there all weekend its like he talks to me like shit but he still wants me around? you dont like me. cant stand me. but you still make me stay when i try to leave and invite me back? but hes right. i shouldve gone with my gut. when he showed me those condoms. started getting like overly sexual. back friends with brooke but wouldnt be friends with me. i shouldve known when he didnt want to be fbo. and wouldnt add me back on fb. he treated me bad so i would leave him. since i wouldnt let him leave me. everything...was fake. and im really not sure why but i just....i dont want to be touched. i dont want to look at anyone else not even attractive guys idc ....i dont want anything to do with the male species right now. as i walked into my apartment today bracing myself for this even though this is not how i thought it would go down. there were a lot of red flags i ignored now that i look back. ever since garrisen i been p-utting up with a lot of crap from guys and im over it. i want someone who thinks im amazing and values ME. period. someone that adds to my life takes my anxiety away and makes things easier not harder. its sad that one person can undo all the good anthony did. but its okay. God will help me. when people do me wrong he always helps me prosper. theres no like...photoshoot, no show, no fun i could have pictures i could take there is nothing i can do to make him jealous or feel bad or regret this at all because he never actually cared about me. he felt no possession of me. never gave a shit at all. he must have serious issues to have faked it. and probably was just using me. so like...theres no consolation here. no matter how fine i get or how much i can succeed. he will never care. the only relief will come when i STOP caring. and i have to pray for the day and believe that it will come when i no longer think about him whatsoever. i have no feelings left at all for him. the sight of him brings forth no emotion good or bad. i know it can happen because it happened with langston. it even happened with bj though it still makes me mad to see him with her. but like...honestly i dont ever wanna see him again. ive never dealt with anything like this. except i think Sean. but Sean was really really a nice guy. Turns out regardless of race or age...guys are guys. i havent found the right one yet. i dont want to right now i gotta get over this one cause i still just am mentaly attached and am having trouble adjusting. and its going to be hard to find someone who co0mpares. but i hope to get over him as soon as humanly possible. and move on with my life. get my life BACK rather. i need to spend a LOT of time with myself. loving myself treating myself well talking positively to myself and only spending time around people who think highly of me and make me feel good. i gotta go into emotional recovery mode and try to bring myself back up. this time i am praying for the strength to accept. which is what i probably sho0uldve done the first time he did this. and not let him even go to my show. he really really did me wrong. i mean there is no excuse he can say what he wants about me and hes right i shouldnt have put up with it. my intentions were true his werent. there is no excuse all i can say for myself is i gave him the benefit of the doubt when i shouldnt. but i wasnt just...stupid. he was AMAZING at times. he forgets that too. he RANDOMLY started treating me like shit. im done trying to figure it out. Im done trying to defend him. All i want is to not think about him. I dont want to go out tomorrow night. Especially since I wont be high now. I dont want to do anything but sleep. But after tomorrow its actually a great GREAT time for this to take place. I only have one class and nothing is due til the 21st though I have to double check. So i have no appointments or classes to GO to except an eye appt on friday and then im off. no pressure for anything. all i have to do is go to work and go home. i can make it through work. i have awesome coworkers who are sweet and funny and make me feel good so that will be fine. i can get my finances back together. i will eventually graduate. and one day ill feel better about myself. idk why i keep doing younger guys after bad experience. he just seemed different. but theyre all so full of themselves that they are so unimpressed by things that are genuinely impressive. i just want someone to knock him down a notch because hes cocky as hell and shouldnt be. even if he has a lot going on physically. i wish his mom or his sister or chris someone close to him. that at least knows OF me. would make him feel stupid even for two seconds. i know it wont happen but it would make me feel better and be good for him for someone who cares about him enough to tell him about himself and say youre fucking stupid. ill support you but what you did was stupid. she was fine. and cool as hell bringing you groceries and shit. you wear that jersey every sunday. you use that wallet every day. we got a motherfuckin swiffer because of this bitch. thats a down ass bitch. and you blew it. cause there was nothing wrong with her and she thought there was nothing wrong with you? stupid motherfucker. that would make my day. but ive done this a gazillion times not once have any of them ever regretted it. aybe like 5 years later people from high school. but i never get that consolation. its fine. i know i can do better. someone with their own money and their own place that doesnt milk the shit out of everyone else so they can focus on something stupid as fuck like bodybuilding. theres a guy out there for me. definitely need to reach up in age. maybe someone dustyns age. but right now i need to get UNhurt and unbitter and just....feel better about ME. and be at peace again. but you know what the good thing is. im disgusted by him. i dont want him. i dont want to see him. i dont EXPECT him to come back or say anything i dont think we had anything special i think he lied about the whole thing the entire time not sure why but whatever. if he can have any girl dude go ahead. ill get me a guy with a life who is ready to settle down who wants to spoil me and give me a ring and babies. cause damnit if theres one thing i am amazing at its being somebodys motherfucking girlfriend. and i deserve the best guy on the planet. and i will wait if i have to cause i know God knows my heart and I believe he will give me my fairy tale simply because he is the One person in existence who rewards believers. and I have always believed. Thank you God. I feel okay. im so sick of people like that. honestly and people in this industry. they all act unimpressed. i just cant wait for the day when ...idk..people stop sleeping on me. but i guess first i have to stop sleeping on myself. ive never given 100% to anything BUT a boy. now im back at square one. feeling pretty shitty but you know what at least this time ia ccept it. and even though it hurts like hell it hurts LESS than last time and my anxiety is less than it was earlier today simply because finally i KNOW. i hoped and i prayed but God had to let me find out for sure and now i Know. its a damn shame and it really eeally hurts. but i did what he said. i deleted his number. and now im working on deleting him from my life. this time i was able to delete all the pics and even screenshots of old messages proving my theory that secretly he did have feelings for me (lol). last time i couldnt. havent cried yet though i know i will. this time im ready to let go. i mean to be honest there were things i could live without. like his constant criticism and definitely the asshole remarks. i might like to have sex for longer and someone who is more concerned with pleasing ME. someone who WANTS relationship with whom i dont have to walk on tippy toes who LIKES my over enthusiasm. and thinks everything about me is beautiful. i dont like his friends theyre all assholes. so im happy i dont have to hang out with them and feel weird and unimportant anymore. happy i dont have to drive so far and be in that huge nice apartment he doesnt fucking deserve just like every other damn thing he has. my anxiety should really disappear at this point cause theres no more unreliability. i can stop shaving. get rid of this yeast infection and not have to worry about moisturization lol stop taking my bc pills if i dont want to or not whatever but in general not have to worry about that. now i dont have to worry about impressing anyone who wont be impressed no matter what. wont be staring at my phone every five seconds. wont have to constantly pep talk him. wont have to pretend to give a shit about the texans or go to a stupid game. wont have to pretend to give a shit about bodybuilding. listen to his meat headness. all my free time is now my free time i can do with it what i please. no more going to sleep waiting for ANYTHING. no more waiting. no more waiting for good no waiting for bad no waiting for him to come or invite me over. no more shit about my apt or my car. no more wondering where he is or what hes been doing or who hes with or listening to him talk about his exes especially britt like she was so perfect no more comparing myself to them. i get to be myself 100% of the time and not worry if its going to be attractive to him or not. no more crazy driving or doing dumb shit like running from cops and sneaking in venues. no more ocd about food working out and listening to him talk about how hes an asshole and hes selfish. no more fucking taking my shoes off when i come in no more looking for parking. nobodys gunna look at my body but me. which is nice. get a good nights sleep every night. possibly wake up on time and have time to do stuff. wasting like NO gas. not getting judged all the time. it really has been a long time since he was good to me or made me happy i was holding onto the past. somethings wron with him not me im just an overly good romantic person and i can be naive but i wont be anymore. im going to work on me and get better and this is going to be the last time so0mething like this happens. from now on im off limits. i do think itll help to somewhat stay off social media obsessively for a while because that somehow increases the distance between us and me and him and anything that reminds me of him. i been single for a minute its nothing new. now theres just no forcing no pretending no being in a fucking relationship with myself and for once IM NOT LONELY. I DONT WANT ANYONE. i feel hurt but i feel free. thank you God. please help me be strong and move forward. tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life God please work everyday to erase my memory of him.