Old Habits

Thats clearly what he is to me now. a Habit. this isnt going to be easy like I thought but I am in a better place mentally. not a good place, but a better place. I do know what the deal is. I know and accept that he doesnt like me that much and doesn't ever want us to get back together. I think its mostly just physical. At some point I'll probably just tell him that if someone else wants to take me out or anything and I like them I'm just going to say yes. Like I',m going to live my life without taking him into consideration. and it sucks to give him permission to do the same. but i get hurt regardless. And I still pray and believe that God will let me move on first. I really think thats the only way Im truly going to be able to let this go. Cause theres just so much infinished business. Im not necessarily going to be looking. but should someone come along, i'd be open to it. because that would take this energy and transfer it to someone else. but only if theyre deserving. anyway. ive texted him 4 times since the last time he texted me and its been 4 hours. i want to go over there tonight. idk maybe just to prove that i can hold my shit together. i really dont want to spend the night though so i need to be smart and like stay awake so ill be up enough to drive home. i hate how he is in the morning. and theres no need to pretend this is more than what it is. i really think its just physical honestly. that boy doesnt give a damn about me. he just wants to eat the cake but he doesnt want the cake. i actually like beefcake too so i mean...whatever. i just...i dont expect it to go anywhere. how could i. he did a fantastic job of doing the SAME THING every single time to the point like how could that not stick out in my mind. really. we're not in love we're not going to be in love. i dont even think we LOOK good together not that that matters. i wouldnt even consider us friends with benefits cause he's not even a good friend. but i just plan on not doing a lot of talking. let him talk. if he asks me why im there ill just turn it around on him. im not really going over there to talk it doesn't make a difference. never has. so ill let him talk or we can just not talk. he can pry if he wants to know stuff. but yea when im sleepy im just going to leave and if he asks me why i'll try to think of something to say. probably just tell the truth. and if he really wants me to stay, i just need to leave anyway. maybe i'll stay later. but not sleep there. thank you God though honestly for helping me get stronger every day even if im not over him. i took the morning after pill today. hope it works. i thought it might help me start my period. i have been off birth control for like..10 days still no period. and my face looks horrible so i know my hormones are jacked up. when school starts ill probably switch pills. but yea if he wants to use condoms its fine. i wont check them anymore ill just make sure i have some lube with me cause condoms are dry and spits not going to cut it. its whatever. i guess he's just a stepping stone.. i like to hang out with him. thats it. im about to workout i was going to take my masseltav cocktail but now I'm thinking I should use it tmrw when I'll have all the time in the world to workout. and I cant do back tonight my legs are too jacked up so I was thinking chest and shoulders. anyway. im happy i can sleep in tmrw i have nothing to do. cheetara is in the doorway again staring hahaha hilarious. i like whispered her name and she like jerked her head around real quick like she used to and stared at me. that shit is so fucking funny. anyway. yea. but so i want to go over there. dk if he'll say yes he may say nothing. if not then i'll just come home after my workout and probably go to sleep. last night i looked at my phone at midnight and there was nothing. but this morning when i checked i had two happy new years from him one with a smiley and a kissy face at 12:38 and one without at 12:41. dk. but yea i asked em today how his night went and it was shitty. they didnt pay him what they said they would and they wanted him to stay til 4 but he said he left. this morning when i woke up i felt good but as the day went on. these stupid mood swings. im not even on any stimulants i think its my hormones. but yea idk towards the end more and more i was just like i donthave anything to do tonight i want to go over there. and now here we go waiting. he couldve taken a nap idk. i would think he wouldnt have woken up on time today. cause he was up late but who knows. he did um..fuck what was i going to say oh yea he didnt text me til like 2 something. and then stopped at 2:48 so whatever hes doing napping or something else he's been busy. i just..dont want to hope anymore. but theres really nothing he could say or do to fix what hes done or make me trust him. i wasnt even happy when i saw that he texted me happy new year. i been short for a few days and not really texting him. he didnt notice LOL but yea anyway. so we'll see. probably just be another boring night. which is fine. this is a boring night. and school is bout to start. thats gunna be a pain in my ass. then we're REALLY never going to see eachother. whateverrrr. for now, im bored and he's always available so now that i realize wht this is. hopefully i can just enjoy the last bit of it and not fucking hurt anymore. sheesh. im over that shit foreal lol