Becoming More me

i been looking at old pics of me
i feel like i get LESS attractive as time goes on
& i do it to myself
its like ive been fighting pretty since forever
cause i just, idk
i guess im modest?
& when i look in the mirror
for so long i saw a really pretty girl
inside i felt like i couldnt add up
like it wasnt me
& the boys they just..idk
every haircut
every tat
always had something to do with a boy
its almost like i wanted to b ugly
idk what i was doing
sometimes i just want to go back & whisper in my own ear
tell myself the truth
that its okay to b pretty
youre beautiful on the inside too
i guess.. the jade thing
i always think if i enjoy something its gunna b taken away
so i fought how i looked
now im like..wow i was so pretty
now when i look in the mirror
i see someone random
i know im still me but i dont like it
i want my long pretty hair
i wanna look like a girl
i wanna feel pretty
& i dont. i have to fake it
i know toher ppl think im pretty
but i just feel naked &* unattractive
without my hair &..idk
i just want what i had beforre i let heartbreak change me so much
so now im back on that journey
gotta be poatient
m,y hair will grow
not fast as i want
but it will
time will fly
but i have to keep in touch with my goals
i think failure drove me away from that as well but i gotta keep tryin
i been halfway doin it.
if im honest with myself, i want to be a fitness model
i really do
i love it & thats what i want
i want low bodyfat
i dont like my body how it is & i want to b strong enough to diet
so im gunna try again
& just pray for God to give me pateince
& strength to perservere
start with small goals
like just getting thru tomorrow
make that my goal. once i reach that, do it again the next day
no more missing workouts
worrying about everything else but what i really want
& ignoring the future
it may not be right now, but i have it
next year i want to compete & win
& go pro
& have that as my hobby
i been tryin so hard not to identify with anything
been afraid to have likes or dislikes or a personality
to the point i have no goals
no plans for the future
cause I dont know what God wants for me and im scared to pursue my own interests
i hope He knows i inted to use anything i get for good
& i dont intend on ever just..living the life without giving backor using my gifts for evil
but i want something to strive for
i dont even know how anymore
i hate the pressur eit makes me wanna cave but i have to face the fear if i want to change
& learn to believe in myself
idk how else to do that but to keep trying
& not accept excuses from myself
if i got through october i can do this.
thanksgiving, christmas, food, anything. all of it. its not worth sabotaging & if i could just see my goal in those moments, stay focuses & not give into the temptations
i could reach it & i know that would build my character
just for the sake of being able to fight temptation
that would build strength and help my confidence a lot
so..no more random social stuff
lookin for a bf
i need to spend my time pursuing goals
right now my goals, always to get closer to God
& secondly to have all As in school
thiordly to get my bodyfat down where i want it. I want to enter 2011 looking like..amazing. looking in the mirror & seeing what i want to see
i have to keep asking myself "if not now, then when?"
God please grant me this request
give me the strength and patience to stick to my goials
perservering through any obstacle
& turning to you when i need help instead of people or food
God i ask that you remind me of my dreams
encourage me that they are attainable
give me peace in my heart
so i dont search in temptations direction
& always instead turn to you
help me give up all my addictions & escape mechanism
put the question in my mind when i turn from the path "if not now then when"?
help me prioritize
and enter 2011 FINALLY able to say, i did everything i said i would
i want to be a better person
more like you & more who you made me to be
better everyday
Give me your spirit, your hope, your peace, and your strength
in Jesus name Amen
I want to step on the scale with shoes on fully clothed in 2011 & see like 133 or 132. i want to lose like 10 pounds of solid fat. its doable. i have about 6 weeks left in the year. at a pound & a half a week I could do it. but i have to be strong
& never cave
no matter what
i want this, i do. i have to fight the fear
this desire in my heart to be better is not going away
so i need to just nix it
cold turkey, doing right & fighting the good fight every day
one day at a time
its time to work on me. so that next year, i am confident knowing im at my best in every way. Closer to God then ever. the journey begins now