slippin away

from God, little by little
and more toward man
i cant seem to find a happy medium.
its either all or nothing.
when im around them, even just a little, i star tto become more like them
& wanting to earn their approval
til this day.
i have got to grow out of that
so here i am having to pull myself away again
because ive begun to feed on their negativity
& take it in.
& im just..still not strong enough to be an influence instead of the influenced
& im still chasing boys
sigh. i have to leave my hands empty
but for some reason i cant stand to have emtpy hands
what is the deal
was i happy when i didnt talk to anyone? no i was lonely
but now im not happy cause im sloppy & all over the place
procrastinating all the time
not able to trus tmyself, not very much self control or structure
feeling just out of wack.
i need God. im unable to focus & i think ive lost a lot of faith in myself
i feel like i cannot return
i know all i have to do is seek & i will find
so i have to start now, truly seeking him & not people.
went to a friends bday party, the boy who was the cause of the whol good girl gone bad mvmt (who compared to the devil child was a freaking sweetheart0 was there. left my purse. i need it back.
i hate texting ppl. especially boys. when they act liuke youre such a bother
im so sick of reaching out to ppl & getting rejected
its just..it gets old ya know? real old.
i know im supposed to sit around & wait for a suitor
find some oither things to enjoy
i enjoy family. a lot
i had a blast over thanksgiving
i think i need to just..focus on school, God, working out, & for fun go chill with family
cause if im honest w/ myself i dont have not one single true prospect
not one. so why waste time.
i need to get off fb & twitter foreal.
ive lost myself again. & my grades are this close to slipping. its time to get on track NOW or ill lose everything i worked so hard for
i wanted to go to the alpha probate tomorrow
well, no. i told my friend i would
but i dont want to
so i think i need to just not. idk ill see how i feel tomorrow
right now im supposed to be writing a paper.
thats due tomorrow.
feeling very overwhelmed & irritated.
not creative at all.
& i want my purse.
got a conflicted conversation waiting for me in my text inbox that i dont want to look at.
guess i oughta get it over with.
then im turnin on the Christian music & starting on this paper.
ugh, ive got to cut off all this nonsense.
at least til classes & finals are in check & over with
whoever leaves can just go
cause i have to prioritize right now
& definitely weed out some unnecessary baggage