endings & beginnings

where do i start lol. i guess ill start w/ yday. i got a little while to write before im back on my study grind. ..the only thing i have to do EVER right now lol
anywayyy ok
well as suspected, the most recent prospect(now void) ..we'll call him door #2. yes its the same one i been talking bout since november.
k anyway door # 1...i dont even know. its like he is repulsed by me honestly lol he never texts me. i get this vibe from him like i should really just pretend we never met which is what i intend to do from now on. he never gets on fb, hasnt updated his status in a week & there is minimal recent activity. idk WHAT hes been doing.
anyway yday i was in that housing establishment going to visit my sons room (the other ppl that live in it)
& i seen the drunk freshman coming down the stairs.
i didnt know if she lived there or not so i texted door #2 to see if he was in his room thinkin "LET ME FIND OUT" but anyway. no text back for probably an hr & a half.
supposedly he was sleep. anyway so it bothered me. im at the get together feeling left out unwanted & solumn & i texted em to ask if they were still talking. blah blah basically no & she lives in cullen. but seriously the way he responds to me im starting to get the hint. exact answers. so friendliness its like we're not even cool & im really wondering why? but eff it i wont play wit it.
i was just like..ugh. i didnt know anyone & everyone was drunk. laaaater everyone started showing up & yes i had a blast flirting with every viable flirtee.
ohhh and before i went over to the get together i was with the devil and his cohorts. for the purposes of CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES i will now refer to him as "the fallen" until i come up with someone better. anyway so i was with him & the rest of em in the room. they showed up later & i gushed over his adorable outfit and made him come in so i could show everyone how cute he was lol
for the record, im not really physically impressed with him anymore. i think its just a need to be close to someone who really knows me since door #2 was my most recent "comfort zone" i am now having to step out of.
but yea.. i had fun at the party. i like being single. as long as im occupied when i wanna be lol thats really what it is. i would prefer to have someone reliable that i can turn to to talk when i want to. or be with when i want. i want to be alone most the time. but when i dont, i want to have someone to contact. thats it lol
but door #2 doesnt provide that. he doesnt provide anything. the physical activities once they proceed to their full potential never last long enough anyway & its just not.. like top notch ya know? which id b willing to deal with were i getting the attention & affection i want but im basically getting diddly squat. i cant even get a text lol i mean i want to talk to this person
tell em stuff. discuss stuff. be close to em. 2 months later no progress has been made.
if anything progress has been lost.
so im takin a L & i just try to stay occupied as time goes on & i get further from the situation
next thing i know itll have been a month that we havent spoken
i mean i didnt the same thing with the devil child in his former form
i made him my whole world & meanwhile forgot that i had my own world
all i had to do was open my eyes and see it
we dont f with the same ppl i never have to see him if i dont want to
hes not socially important and no one even knew we were talking
so i really escaped unharmed & im glad i wasted the break and not time during school
alltogether its a win win hes happy & im getting there
so yea. ill just try to pretend it never happened.
meanwhile..so i was over there with them last night. having a really good time feeling comfortable & whatnot. then like it got to the point me & the fallen were actually talking. everyone was laughing & having fun. we were in the bed & i was tryna fall asleep on his arm & his phone rings & he runs into the living room & i waited but he never came back & i couldnt sleep so i tried to leave i went in the restroom looking for my boot & when i was getting my stuff off the counter i heard him from the couch askin me if i was leavin & i said yea i cant sleep & he said me neither
so i sat down & listened to em talk
he told me a lot. about her (ex-baby mama) that she had called, etc. everything he had learned from the situation and what he thought about it now.
idk. i like listening to him but i also just like being the one he tells
but yea i talked a little too. i forgot hes a good listener too. idk. i told em it was a relief to talk to him. & that i still feel like..were the same. idk how but theres something. but thatll be the last i say.
i dont want him to think i still like him so i know i gotta hop off
but i wouldnt mind us being friends cause he fits the bill for all the stuff i said
i dont want anything physical with anyone
i mean unless its just kissing thats fine
but the whole thing, no. i just wanna be without right now
it messes everything up & im over it
but yea... i just want someone to be around & talk to all the time & i know he could be the best friend type
i think i just miss having an extremely fine best friend like i used to lol
but yea idk. theres always this other person. but anyway
so thats what was on my mind. at the end of the night he put me at ease which was crazy cuz that is normally the opposite of what he does
i wanted to go over there today too but i really do have work i need to do.
homework, etc. & i know i cant be all on their tip like i used to
i dont want to really
when i say im no longer attracted to him im not
thats not what i want at all
im way too masculine to be with someone that feminine
& i hate the music crap
the unrealistic dream stuff makes me uncomfortable
& theres just a lot hes the opposite of what i want
hes just somewhat pretty to look at and someone to flirt with
but yea. so im getting to know myself more
& as i do i like myself more
my confidence is going up. hairs growing (thank God)
but its moreso like my inner workings that i find valuable
even more than the outside but im having fun with that too
anyway the going out & ish im over, planning to go back into hiding
come out about once a month to relieve my socially hyperactivity. with little socialisms in between if im invited. but yea i just wanna get back closer to God & center my life correctly. continue soul searching, get stronger
be better.
oh yea i think i wanna go into medicine.
as of now, im planning to get my nutrition degree so i can work while i earn my biochem degree & hopefully after that go to med school.
which puts me in school forever but for now why not
i cant plan my life for getting married & having kids cause i have no idea when thats gunna happen ive done that way too much
but yea so im happy right now doing well. back on track
especially with my weight. im doing very well in that aspect
tyG for regulating everything daily i love u k gonna go work now