happy new year

welp. the new years eve curse persists. lets see 06 bj slept with my best friend. found that shit out on nye.
07 i partied w/ ashley. okay that was a good one.
08 i dont even remember
09 i was at mercury room. alone. waiting for the same boy. while he was with her.

for the most part i cry myself to sleep every new years eve. but i bring it on myself. always gettin my hopes up, makin the whole night about some boy that is only worried about himself.
this time it was about um. the most current "him".
my how things change. closer to the break starting, we had already started to fall apart. he just started neglecting me. he made so many excuses. swore hed change.
but the last night we were together wasnt the same and i was ready to leave.
he was so mean. bringin up old shit & talkin down to me.
allowing me to be in his presence but it was clear he wasnt cherishing every moment like i was.
i could see him fading away.
all i had to go by after that was "like"s on my fb pics & all the statuses were baout him.
holding onto the out of focus image of us having this..secret idk connection. holding onto that for dear life. romanticizing as usual. when in reality, he hasnt texted me first (until just now) since freaking..the first week we got out & that was the week he started making random conversation and not finishing it.
from then on i had to text him. wed go days without taliing & he never finished a conversation. takes hours to respond. when i went to mississippi we went 5 days without talking. he didnt even notice.
it just got worse & worse.
then a tried to b patient, give it time.
but when we did talk he was rude & unattentive. & i seen that he was tlaking to other ppl, just not me. i was convinced he was talking to someone else & that i needed to provoke him to cut me loose.
so i did. i asked him to just tell me he didnt wanna tlak to me anymore & he played dumb then when i told him my concerns (how we dont talk at all & when we do talk he acts like im bothering him & how he promised wed skype every other day and we never ever have). and he told me he just been caught up with work and hangin with his boys but hed make time to hit me up. said he was sorry for neglecting me. so im thinkin were good. yay were still talking, as usual told me what i wanted to hear.
but he didnt change.
had to find out on fb he was coming over here for nye..for a party.
i told em i had a surprise for him so text me if he came cause he said he was staying in his apt. i went & got lingerie & flavored oil & flavored body glitter. i was gunna light candles & just..it woulda been the perfect way to spend new years.
but when he finally did get to the club..it was just..the same ish.
same ratchett girl came right up in the middle of our convo & was all in his ear for ten minutes. he made all these excuses. whatever,
i tried to talk to him about everything & how hes been acting..
but he just..seemed to just b bothered by me. then he said he just wanted to have fun..
that really hurt. i was done at that point. i left at 130. and he didnt come after me. didnt text me til 4am. cried myself to sleep by 2.
the real reason i was crying was because..i could see him changing. all of a sudden my dreams turned to dust & i could see that he wasnt who i thought he was. he wasnt sweet. he wasnt treating me good. i was doing everything and he literally contributed absolutely nothing to my life but pain. & i knew that i was gunna have to let him go, and hed fight me, and id have to tell him no.
i couldnt take it. so i did it the next day.
he responded like 8 hrs later & said he didnt have a good time cause i was mad at him & that he didnt know what he had to do to prove to me that he cares.
so i told him, poured my heart out. no response.
the next day i told him..like, i dont wanna get over u why dont u stop me. if u were so affected by me leaving why didnt u come after me. no response. just a rude comment about my fb status.
like, hes not who i thought he was. he withdrew all his input 3 weeks ago, i been draggin it out. i cry every night. every single night. my heart is so broken because i really really really believed in him. i defended him so much,
ugh its always the same story,
i gave everything. waited patiently to no avail. just to take the backburner to everything in the world.
hes a sophmore hes immature i know the last thing hes worried bout is a girl
but he knew i was falling for him & he knew i was tryna cuff
he let me
i gave him so many chances to just be honest. we couldve been friends
and now its like a slow tear in my heart.
that he just lied.
i deleted him off facebook, skype, and oovoo. it may seem brash but he trapped me
took away my voice by ignoring me, forcing me to hold everything in
took me for granted and just..made me invisible
so much time energy and effort wasted
FRIENDS dont even treat eachother that bad
i guarentee he talks to other ppl throughout the night or day
why not me
hadnt i done enough to at least earn his respect
as usual. young ass boys cant appreciate a good girl who likes them for them
and is really down for them
and it just hurt. i thought he was different. thought he was the one
i wanted to be involved in his life
i wanted us to be best friends.
finally thought i wouldnt have to spend all the holidays alone but i did
and he doesnt see a problem
feels no remorse. like nothings wrong.
he hasnt even NOTICED i deleted him
he takes neglegence to a whole new level
i know the only way i can get over him is to cut him off completely so i can finally stop thinking about him and hoping
i keep tryna tell my stupid heart like
hes not gunna come after you. hes just like the rest let it go.
and put out this stupid ember of hope that is literally burning in the snow.
theres is no spiritual connection were not soulmates
he just needed entertainment for a period of time and now hes bored with me.
there was only one time that i actually felt him ..having the passion that i do
one time i could feel desperation through a text
i cant remember what made me stay.
cause he told me what i wanted to hear to make me shut up
those stupid lying arms
who knows he probably does the same ish with everyone
i hate it so much
i trusted you. i believed in you with all my heart even though you gave me no reason to
i never left you in the dark and you kne how i felt
and you let me jump off the cliff knowing you wouldnt be there to catch me
how could you let this happen to us? we had every opportunity
we had the path laid out for us we had GODS blessing
but even He cant make you feel when you are incapable.
you have no heart.
every night i barely sleep. just cry and cry and it feels like itll never end
i cry in the bathroom at work
and just wish over and over that is wasnt true
but its not the same
im not giving him his "surprise" anymore.
you know whats gunna happen?
hes gunna let me go. he never wanted me to stay. he just didnt wanna "hurt my feelings" well he did. very very badly. i dont even wanna talk to him now
not to the slightest
i almost feel like i shouldve just waited around for his friend cause hes a whole lote nicer to me and he tweets me like all the time.
but this one, threw me under the bus. i chose him. but he didnt choose me.
he cut through me with silence. anything to shut me up.
so im giving him what he wanted
silence
and he cant make me talk
even if it kills me it cant be worse than this and i cant keep blaming myself
for someone that literally cannot feel
what could i have done
hes disrespectful and unappreciative and selfish
and blind as a bat he looks right through me
im a good girl damnit. im pretty. im popular. im sweet im smart & im fun to be around. and i wouldve given him any and everything in this world it was in my power to give. he has my heart. for now.
i hate to say it but he does.
but ill lie to myself and everyone until i and they believe that he doesnnt
and i wont let him think he does either
i cant make him feel bad. i know he wont
the only reason hes gunna be bothered is because he knows hes wrong.
not even that. because he thinks hes such a good guy
and the way i feel about him now conflicts with the image he has of himself
so what. you want me to say i forgive you? you want me to say im not mad.
okay.
but youre not my friend.
you hurt me.
everything i put up with. everything we made it through. you talking to other girls. all the trust issues. you finally getting me to warm up and let you in.
then you just gave up. quit.
went on about your life. why. i will always always wonder that.
why did u lie. why did u feign interest why did u pretend to care.
i shouldve known better than to think you would gal me.
you must do this to every girl
i promise i thought you were what ive been waiting for
we couldve been a match made in heaven but i cant make you see me
what hurts the absolute most is to know that my presence doesnt make me happy.
you dont want my company.
your day is not afflicted by my absence.
and if im honest with myself i know you will be happier without me
i mean look at you. you been having the time of your freaking life. just working and chillin with your friends. forgetting i exist
i know youll continue
i just hope God helps me forget about you too so i can be happy too
i dont deserve this. i never did anything to disrespect or make u feel like shit
and you rewarded my loyalty and affection with..neglegence
you make me feel ugly. and stupid. unfunny. insignificant
thats the last thing i need.
to build myself up only for you to tear me down.
you never compliment me.
the only reason in this world i would ever need a guy is to make me feel better than i do by myself.
definitely not worse.
all i freaking wanted from you was a text a day. to know how your day was. to feel like you thought about me. period. thats it.
the occasional skype.
we were supposed to be "getting to know eachother better" remember?
were supposed to get closer not further apart
i promise i never thought the distance would tear us apart
rip us to shreds
but it wasnt the distance
it was you
all it did was expose the fact that you never had any feelings for me at all
and it burns a hole in my soul.
that you freaking lied all this time
my friend made a good point in response to me saying i wasted time
by asking what i couldve been doing
we had good times
i just regret the pain that followed because it was uneccessary
all the fuck u had to do was let me know
we wouldnt have to be beefing
couldve been friends
now i have to avoid u like the plague
ugh checkin my phone everday to see if uve noticed my absence yet
youre not the type to chase. too much pride to beg.
you always just let me go
youre completely oblivious to my feelings
and you told me you cared
but you dont
youll shrug and say good riddance
come back way too late tlakin bout u wanna be friends
nigga no.
because you destroyed me. you disrespected me
and just.. hurt me too much
threw me away like some stupid junk you might come back for later
well im not gunna be here
its gunna suck
everyday sucks knowing that this happened
i wanna forget cause i wish it wasnt true
you couldve fixed it idiot
shouldve been on your best behavior
shouldve made me top priority just for a little while
we couldve seen eachother
we couldve been on skype this whole time "getting to know eachother"
that wouldve been enough for me
now im just sitting here listening to "sooner than later"
i wish you felt like this
it would be amazing things used to
"when the lights dont glow the same way that they used to, and i finally get a moment to myself, i will realize you were everything im missing. and youll tell me youre in love with someone else"
i wish it bothered him. tore his ass up.
like damn, i really effed up a good thing
doing that, makin a mistake that makes someone leave you can really change youre mindset
that shit can make you idolize someone you didnt even know was there
but me, idk. me leaving like..never does that to anyone.
shrug. they treat me like a burden im sick of it
ill be okay. i just..dont want this to be reality
i know what i think or feel has no effect on what is true
ill have to learn that eventually
sigh. i guess i can still say it
ill sleep like crap anyway
i wish...that what im doing...going away would make him miserable
that he would hate himself
and realize like he could use a girl like me
that he not fitna find nobody that puts up with his crap like me
that i dedicated so much time & energy to him
that i was sweet to him
that im finer than pretty much any other girl he knows
like..finally see the good in me
and FINALLY miss me
and realize like as much fun as hes having right now, when it ends he does gotta go back to school
and im gunna be there
and he wont even be able to see me
that it would make him flashback
to holding me. kissing me. laughing with me.
just us being together
all of a sudden realizing i wanted to be his gf.
that he hasnt had a gf the entire time hes been in college & if he was going to have one it would be me
that he is capable of giving me what i want
that he ahd his fun and hes ready to settle down with me
that he would just go crazy like OMG WHY WONT SHE TALK TO ME
WHAT DID I DO
that he would just not be the same
hes never thought about me. always been able to focus and just be where he is
not worried bout nothin
always knew id be there and if i wasnt he could just tell me some bs and make me stay
that he would realize when he gets back to his room my side of the bed is empty. every night always empty
that he has no clue what im doin
and i could be talkin to someone else
and it kills him to see that im doing just fine
smilin and laughing and going on with life not missing him at all
when there was a time when he was the center of my world
when all he had to do was text me and id be there
hell see his roomie and his girl together and remmeber when that used to be us
hell be in the mood one night and remember how it was when i was there
and just realize anything he needed he had me
that like after the club he couldnt be with me anymore
that he has no one to take his mind off school
and if he even looks at another girl he thinks of me
and it just makes him feel like evn more of a screw up
that HE'LL go through the five stages of loss
first anger like just mad. then denial like theres no way shes really gone. beg me like michelle its not that bad please let me fix it just talk to me and thats the bargaining too. swearing up and down to himself that he wouldnt mess up again. that if i ever just give him one more chance hell be perfect
then just realizing im gone and bein upset
gloomy and mopy and not wanna tlak to no other girls.
then finally accepting it. a long time from now. long after my ghost has haunted him and he has wasted months of his life being sad over me.
but you know what. thats not him. thats somebody that really likes me. someone who gave their heart to me too
somebody that considered me their girl. that valued me
and was just having a lapse of judgement
someone i had really gotten under their skin
someone that missed me
that was capable of emotions of any kind
but hes not. you know what happens with boys like him insteaD? the exact opposite.
me going away will make him feel free.
he could never hate himself. because he doesnt blame himself.
he doesnt need a girl like me.
and he can have any girl that doesnt trip like i do
that i was doing the most & he doesnt need all that. too serious
he wont remember how sweet i was.
he likes thick girls. he doesnt even think im that pretty. just regular
he doesnt see the good in me at all and he never will.
he aint fitna miss me. hes fitna have the time of his life being free with his boys and doing whatever else he wants without me up under him.
before he goes back to school. he wont think about the fact thatim gunna be there
and he wont even be able to see me. he wont wanna see me. not seeing me will only help him forget me more.
boys dont have flashbacks.
im the only one who thinks about him holding me. kissing me. laughing with me.
just us being together. after it was over, he forgot.
he wont realize i wanted to be his gf. and if he does what he wil realize is that he doesnt want a gf especially not me.
he hasnt had a gf the entire time in college for a reason. hes tryna enjoy his self anf be free not married so soon he doesnt need the hastle.
he doesnt care or analyze enough to even think about this but he IS not capable of giving me what i need. to him, i need too much. im unreasonable.
he HASNT had his fun and he ISNT ready to settle down with me.
when i dont respond hes gunna say fuck it. hes not fitna trip over no girl. he'll just be like damn she ALWAYS trippin. good riddance i dont need the drama and say shit if she dont wanna talk to me cool cant say i didnt try (even tho he didnt)
hes never thought about me. always been able to focus and just be where he is
not worried bout nothin
he didnt notice that id be there
he dont think of it as my side of the bed. he is going to be comfortable with the whole bed to himself. he probably wont even see me. and if he does hes not the jealous type. he dont give a damn what im doin or who im talking to even if its a boy.
his roomie is not fitna bother him. hes used to it.
after the club he can go home with whoever he wants and not worry bout me. dance all over other girls. flirt with everyone he sees get all kinds of numbers make "new friends" and just have a bachelor lifestyle
he can hoop to take his mind off school hes fitna be too busy studying to ever be with me. and he doesnt think like me. hes not tryna have me there but the funny thing is he always be with everybody else when hes studying takin pics& shit wtf.
and he looks at girls NOW and dont think of me. scummy ass.
he aint fitna go thru no stages he bout to go straight to acceptance with no remorse or regret and say YES! with a fist pump and immediately talk to someone else
and if i dont get over him right the fuck now im going to get hurt MORE.
im ignoring his last text. idiot.
i just gotta keep reminding myself who im dealing with.
and know he is not going to be my prince
or ever be anything but a mistake.