the loneliness

welp, nights are long.
trying to readjust.
life is good really. i cant complain. no problems, no stress, everythings under control. once again just bored
just gotta get back used to it thats all
stay in my books & focus on whats in front of me & literally not even consider whats not
im trying to take a break from boys. til spring break.
like everytime i think someones attractive just ignore it, because i need to aknowledge the vastness of the world and not think every single cute boy is the one
i mean i barely have standards
just a brief checklist that anyone im attracted to has to meet for minimum requirement & then i can mold em into mr perfect or become whoever i have to be to bring mr perfect out
i change for every guy that comes along & i dont want them to run my life anymore
im so desperate for love and affection
constantly rejected its like all ive ever known and im sick of it
its not worth it
none of anyone ive met is what i want or on my level at all
& im 100% willing to settle because otherwise i have to be alone
& i dont like that
i dont wanna need them. or even really want them
i dont wanna feel like somethings missing
like having a piece of crap is better than not having anyone at all cuz its not
its possible to be content without a boy
i know it is. it must be. & i will just have to train myself like a dog until i can do it
get used to bein alone, find ways to entertain myself
& zip up my heart so people cant see straight through me
stop lowering myself to mingle among the commoners
not that im like this awesome but whatever awesomeness i do have i put away to kiss up to the less awesome so that they will THINK im awesome which never works even though i am they never notice
right now i just feel like crap. i keep checking fb..idk why. went to him & all his friends pages..idk why
i feel so left out ya know? i cant get the time a day
its hard not to feel rejected when you are
but i know thats not my whole identity
but its like..thats what i feel
no matter whats going on i just feel that
its like since he doesnt think im good enough i dont feel good enough
i feel lonely and pathetic really
and im starting to feel boring again
like i have no life and no friends and dont do anything fun
i know thats not true i just have goals
and different interest
theres someone in this world that feels me
im convinced hes not between the ages of 18 and 22
its confusing and depressing and im so so so so sick of it
but im not even in the mood to entertain the folly anymore
i barely wanna get back on the pill cause i dont wanna have relations
everyone is just so disappointing ya know? i feel like an alien
like im alone in the world and no one will ever ever understand me
everyone i talk to its like the emptiest conversation
& its like what purpose does anyone serve at all
feels like they literally contribute nothing to my life
yet their absence leaves a hole. (i keep getting so distracted)
but yea. idk. i dont feel loved. i know there are ppl that love me.
& there are a lot of people that appreciate and think highly of me
if i died i know it would be a freakin tragedy
but like..when everyone YOU love doesnt love you
it gets to you. the rejection..im identified with it
idk how to not..idk how to break the cycle
i keep doin it. and its sunken in
i believe it now ya know?
ugh im just having a moment
but yea....maybe im getting closer to peace
church was good tonight
i actually went but i dont wanna go to the youth version anymore
they make me nervous theyre just too...social for me
people make me nervous strangers make me nervous
i know i gotta get it together. the msg really helped
now im just trying to get school stuff done.
im just SO lonely and i feel kinda hopeless
guess i just gotta tell myself again...theres great exciting times in life, then theres really painful times in life, and then theres just okay times where youre fine and nothings wrong and you might be bored
i know God is molding me right now
thats what this is. so thats a good thing
just gotta get through it
a lot of good happened today and im hopeful and excited about the future
feeling like im getting closer to myself
but futher from people and theyre losing their value
the college life is losing its value
but im tired of searching
i know God put me here with everything i need to survive so this hole must be imaginary
its like..all this time..i just wanted a freaking boyfriend
in highschool i always had one
havent had one since
& i cant stop looking i feel incomplete without a man
but shoot if going through this right now will break the spell & help me loive the rest of my life happy and loving myself unneedy and fulfilled with or without a man..
so be it. i can take it.
i feel like crap right now. like dang i really cant get a man. i feel like an outcast cause these are not my people they cant relate to me they may admire my thoughts but they dont understand them & im just tired of being so alone & unloved.
but anyway...on with life
foundout that i can eat sausage in my eggs & 2 tortillas for about the same amount of calories as a packet of oatmeal so i will be having breakfast tacos for breakfast everyday from now on til i get tired of it :)
got my pre cal notes bout to do some hw. i need to go to tutoring in the morning for this pre test so i can ditch the old stuff & worry bout what im learning right now. i dont want to :( id have to get up real early but shoot it needs to be done. articles are done. still got some reading for bio im thinking i'll do tomorrow.
but tomorrow will be a productive day, if i go to tutoring, get my books and my meds, then ill pretty much be set for a while.
church made me reconsider the thinking for my shoot. i wanna convey a different message. not of bitterness, but of loving yourself. anyway..im wide awake
so im gunan go do the other things on my list & get it out the way