ignoring the open door that leads to nowhere

i want to. but i said i wouldnt, so im not.
im trying to not initiate anything ever with a boy. not to play games..but to..take back my life. to give power back to God.
so even if i recieve no immediate answer,
if im lonely i just gotta pray
if i need to talk ill talk to him.
just gotta turn to him for everything
even if it means i gotta sit here miserable knowing nothings gunna happen
when i could just do something myself to at least relieve the pain for the moment
it hasnt worked in the past.
im just gunna pray that he sees me down here turning to him instead of anything else
& eventually ill get a lasting solution
ill know hell come
i just know i have some time that im gunna be in silence and solitude
but i could go somewhere if i wanted
not without initiating
i could go to a friends or have someone over
theres boys i could text & talk to
if i wanted to fish for compliments but ppl cant help
theres no one i wanna see or talk to
the old crew is watching a show right now together
theyre there for me to go over there
& i still left my boots and my tooth brush
but i msged the fallen about it he didnt even answer obviously were not that cool
& i dont even really like them all that much or enjoy their company
all i want is attention from the fallen
so thats me using them as well
im trying not to use people
i didnt realize i was so guilty of it but theres lots of ppl i wouldnt speak to if they hadnt been close to the target of my affections at a point in time
sorry God..guess i have some dirt of my own.
i wanted to text one of them. try to get a invite cause i am bored & i dont have realy anything to do but effing schoolwork all night which is bout to be my life for a long time now.
til spring break i suppose.
cause thats when im allowing myself to..idk..maybe get back in the "dating" world. but not if i have to pursue. gues sill just wait til someone comes. but not like ok ill sit here and wait i mean give up pursuit forever. so someone can finally come to me
gotta get these hands as empty as possible
and make sure i have no baggage either
meaning i gotta get over door #2. & whatevers left for the fallen.
so that the newcomer will have none of that to deal with
i dont want anyone to feel how ive felt and i dont wanna rebound
ugh. anhyway.
said i wouldnt, so im not.