ive become so numb

guess this is what happens when i dont have a "crush"
i feel no passion. ever. for anything
not in a positive way anyway
i did find today that what i LIKE to do is create & inspire
i like art.
so im still building on this photoshoot
i hope and pray it turns out as planned cause if it does its gunna be epic
went to eat, actually got steak and vegetables? #miraclefromGod
so. last night i went to another boys house
this is the second one in the past week really.
second time ive had someone i know i could have if i wanted
but kind of just i guess not really participated
these are people that would talk to me & give me everything i need
but i feel nothing.
its crazy to sit there & just see them..feeling..when i feel nothing
i mean absolkutely nothing not even to the slightest
i just wanna be alone i guess
as the feelins i had for door #2 fade..& turn to just.. resentment
thats the last of the feelings that were left in me.
when i look at them all i see nothing
no hope no salvation no purpose which i guess is good
im not even willing to try something new i dont like anyone
i dont feel anything
i guess i was right thats why i attract to the flame
cause its passion even if it burns at least i feel.
but there is a peace in this. there is no peace in the flame and i dont miss it
thereis not one single number that could pop up in that phone that would bring a smile to my face
guess its a good thing
no one has the power anymore. thank you God
i just need to remember when im bored just pray for God to help me get through it
because its not worse than how i feel after they wring me out & hang me up to dry.
but yea i dont feel a connection to any human being on the planet anymore
no one can put me to rest or at ease
i still feel like an alien
today God showed me a trick to be nice to customers tho
just picture everyone as my family
uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, family.
so i can at least bbe kind to strangers
even tho they are sztrangers. everyone i know.
except sandra. i do feel somewhat connected to actual family.
but i know were all family under God.
idk right now i just..soon as i walk up to my door i know its bout to be another pointless night
going over there last night did get me help w/ my practice test tho
& it got me out of the house instead of rotting in the bed for hours
so ..im just gunna keep praying God will give me things to get through everyday
& just write in this when i need to.
last night randomly door #2 texted me. i was wondering why. idk i just answered his ?s. bluntly but not rude just no detail. & then he got around to asking me bout the book.
wow. that really kinda surprised me and i wa slike if he didnt need this book he would have never ever even spoken to me.
& it just pissed me off. like..i bet you really did have to make urself text me
cause u know you needed the book.
& were probably dreading having to c me to get it
probably propose some random on campus meeting perhaps the library
that that was really all he texted me for.
sigh. yea it annoyed me a lot. made me lose what little respect i did have left for him
today i just gave it to antoinette. told him he could pick it up from their room when he needed it.
cause what..am i supposed to drop it off? come to cullen like i always do when hes never even been to my room? drop what im doing to cater to him knowing i cant even get some time he just wants the book.
& hes thinking id use that as an excuse to try to chill with him
guess what i dont want to see you. i dont.
youre rude and its unattractive. making me feel like youre how i should be. like i should just mold myself after you. like im too much of whatever i am to be good anough for you. & just need to chill in everyway. like my life revolves around you. it did. & in the past i surely would have but i see clearly now. i dont consider you a friend
you make me feel terrible youre never there for me & you contribute absolutely nothing positive to my life you dont even think highly of me how r we friends
maybe a long time from now you can ask me why
maybe ill feel like telling you
ill probably be so over it then i wont even wanna talk about it
cant wait. he said "ok then thats cool" yea. stupid. unappreciate and ungrateful just mean and disrespectful. i dont want to be so mad. i hope it goes away soon.
being so mad as so many diff. poeple. and my ex-son.
boys are not on my good side. i know theres nice ones & im trying my best to be nice to them i just dont want to see or be around them.
not even the fallen. all i can think is how cocky he is. how all these boys think theyre so imporant that theyre so much better than me. im over contributing to this monstrous ego. no way jose.
cant do it.
idk what you thought when you saw that. if it made you feel like i dont even wanna see you, good. if you feel rejected, it wasnt my intention, but whaTEVER. i dont think you feel anything for me ever at all and i really dk how i thought you ever did now im back in mode just trying to forget. i put it there and told u where it was so i dont even have to see you again & you have no excuse to speak to me. i cant wait til you dont exist in my life anymore.
and i cant wait til this resentment goes away. this unappreciated misunderstood outcastness. i dont like it.
but it really is better than trying so hard to be a part.
its much better to be numb than to feel that horrible pain
abnd to know that you no longer have power over me
God just please clinse me of this anger and all the regret and feeling so down on myself. so second best like anyone knows what theyre talking about.
hes on fb right now i just got off.
the questioni keep asking is what is the point!
but im free. free in the middle of nowhere all by myself but im free
ill find something. someone eventually
right now im fine by myself
i really am i like it
a lot. i just dont like the getting used to it. but this time i will. this time ill stay hidden. this time ill stay in my coccoon til im a butterfly.
im gunna pray more this time for God to guide me.
im just..mad and annoyed right now :( i feel so separate from everyone
and i just..dont trust.
one extreme to the other, so heres this extreme.
just gunna do my school work.