undeniably better day

yesterday was good. i just had a brief spout of depression at work. so i guess "day 1" wasnt so horrible. & i did sleep...after a little bit of fantasizing.
i shouldnt have let myself but it wasnt that bad
i didnt dream about em
i was like eff it if im gunna cry myself to sleep anyway
and im not gunna die..so i just
i guess dreamed about what it would be like if he was how i thought
if he had been freakin out all this time
& somehow could read my mind & was suddenly just aware of what i wanted
[im gunna describe how the daydream went then ill go back to today]
anyway so i guess he told me to come over there? anyway after i had been worn down i guess. so i drive to cullen. he meets me at the gate. theres all kind of like passion and that "pull" in the hair. ive been crying & he can tell, theres still like wetness & mascara mess but its not ugly lol (of course not its a dream)
but yea and he just sees me and hes like ..omg r u crying & he of course like puts his arms around me & pulls me to his chest (where my head is on him lol)
and just holds me there & i cry a little more & he just keeps saying im so sorry
michelle...stop crying. im so sorry...omg and i can picture his face
like holding me and looking up and around like "wow what do i do"
but he really does feel bad then he pulls me back and wipes my tears and holds my face and looks me like dead in the eyes and says michelle..i am really, really sorry
and i just look down and he lifts up my chin with his perfect touch, Gah i always wanted a guy that could get away with smooth ish like that. i promise he looks like he would b the lamest do but he is super smooth like wtf. anyway
and he pulls my chin up and looks at me and says. im sorry..i didnt know it hurt you that much. do you believe me. and i cry a little more & knod my head & he takes my hand and walks me to the room. then were in the room or w/e & the tvs off and im sitting against the pillow with my knees against my chest and hands around them and we just talk i guess. then he asks me will i please lay down so i do. i turn away & we get like we usually are. Oh dear God in those heaven sent arms. you should have to pay to lay in those arms. anyway, so yea ..everytime i keep writing i look at my phone. he hasnt texted me today. smh. idk why the hell i felt like we have this effing mind connection. like he has EVER felt my pain. EVER felt himself losing me. EVER EVER EVER texted me when i needed him to or been there when i needed him at all. my stupid fairy mind. anyway, the dream is ten times better than reality is or ever will be. i should really write a book but whatever indulge me for a minute.
so i lay down with him and im laying the opposite way for a while like we usually do. and hes rubbing me but not the same as always. its different now. with every touch of his fingertip to my skin i can feel his soul flooding onto me. the same way mine flows onto him everytime i lay there with him. but before, im pretty sure he never felt it. i feel the passion this time. i can tell that he values me and is cherishing this moment like i am. he is laying there thanking God for a second chance praying i never leave him again. its like were both glowing. and im just laying there like..idk basking in it. taken aback by the feelings. He squeezes me tight like he never wants the moment to end. finally its mutual. then he just rubs my arm. finally noticing how soft my skin is. and leans into my neck and right before he kisses it more gently than ever, he stops to take in how good i smell. he never notice before how good i smell. he kisses me several times on the neck and shoulder but just..thankful kisses. the way you kiss something you have missed dearly. and i feel like i have died and gone to heaven. theres pain but its good because he feels it too. and he just lays his cheek on my shoulder and leans over me. kind of to see what im doing. and as he pulls back my hair he feels how nice and soft it is. hes noticing everything now. it feels like he was blind before and can suddenly see. then he says michelle and i say what..and he says can you look at me. and i kind of turn then he turns me over and he just like holds me real real close and pets my hair and i can feel us both breath in with that deep breath of relief..like youve waited forever for air again. & he just asks me if im still thinking bout it and im like..no. and he says can you please forgive me. can we just go back to how we were. and i say idk..how can i trust you. you didnt want me..you just..ignored me you erased me. swatted me away like a bug and then acted like i was stranged for being bothered. you silenced me by ignoring me and made me feel so invisible. i was so sad for so long and im finally getting better you just wanna come back and make more promises just so you can break em. and he starts telling me EXACTLY LIKE OMG THE PERFECT THING FOR HIM TO SAY. he just says Michelle..look idk what i was thinking. i wasnt thinking i was just doing whatever i guess just working and being with my friends i just..didnt realize what i had waiting for me and i never saw it as that big of a deal. i was stupid idk what to say. im so sorry. i know i messed up if i coul;d take it back believe me i would. i just didnt know i hurt you like that. really..you think i dont care you think i dont feel bad but i do. i do think about you. i didnt expect you to just stop talking to me and when u did like i couldnt just forget. i havent gone and started talking to some other girl i been just trying to think of ways to talk to you. if you just give me one more chance i promise it wont be the same. i will make it up to you. and i say i njust dk and he says why wont you look at me and he sees that im crying and wipes my tears again and (this is what makes me want to DIE at this point) he says baby...and i like breath real hard and i feel the pull so much cause i have always wanted him to call me that and i never thought he would..ever. and i just look at him crazy and he says what i cant cal you baby. you know you my baby i know you know that and im like...just speechless. and its like the climax at this point theres so much freaking romantic tension in the air im pulled to so many different emotions. i feel like blessed to have this effing movie moment and then shocked that its happening and scared that its not even real. and he just looks at me and says i know i havent treated you right. i know that now i guess i ddint see it before i wasnt really paying attention. but you havent talked to me in so long and its been driving me crazy. i just let shit go i dont be trippin especially not over a girl but when youre mad at me like i just cant leave it alone. i never just felt like that before. not in a long time. i was like damn i cant believe she left me. then i would think about all the stuff you said and suddenly i started to be able to relate to what u were telling me. i was like why is she so mad. and i realized u were right. i didnt come thru on my promises i really just ignored you and i am truly sorry like.. it was like this epiphany. i never wated a girl. didnt really feel like i had time. i was just always so caught up with school and i guess my friends. but you..all i could think about was all this random stuff. how fine you were. how fucking hilarious you are. all the goofy shit you do. and like moments like this layin in my bed doin whatever. and youre smart and you got goals you work youre not lazy. you dont be in no drama. i admit i used to get annoyed when ud b trippin bout random stuff but i see it was because you cared. i know a lot of girls may like me or whatever but i dont know if any of em just cared like you did. or were as fun or just perfect. i remember when you told me you thoufght i was perfect. these past couple days or weeks or whatever. i realized thats you. youre perfect. and i was wrong to toss neglect you like i did. i shouldve treated you better. i know you dont trust me and i know why. i messed up. but if you just give it a second chance. ill prove to you i care. and im just layin there like idk what to do hes tellin me everything i wanna hear but my mind is all over the place like man i been fine without you why go back he has never come through before what makes it different telling ymself over and over michelle be smart lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale and i just say..brandon like it tooks me so long just to be ok. i wanted to be with you brandon. i was just waiting for you to ask me but you made me feel..so not good enough. and hes like i knooow im sorry. and im like i feel like were really just not on the right page we dont want the same thing im not tryna go thru this again i just wanna be happy. and he says i dont make you happy? and i said..you did. and he says you wont let me make you happy again? do you still want to be with me? and i just..look down. and curl up against his chest and he says oh my goodness why do u keep doing that and he pulls me up and im like omg hes so strong uughh sexy ass lol and he makes me look at him and he says do you want to be my girlfriend. and im lookin at him like ugh nigga dont be stupid and i say brandon. like omg that shit is rude u didnt want nothin to do with me u didnt have time for me before now u expect me to believe u want me to be your girlfriend just because what i was mad/? thats like tellin someone they won the lottery and then say SYKE! thats mean dont play with me u aint fitna change that relationship status and he says oh my goodnesss and kind of rolls over and hes like you dont believe me why would i say something like that michelle think about it im not trippin on no facebook ill change it right now and im like ..ur fuckin serious? and hes like well now dang.and im like ok do you just wanna know or are you saying WILL I? na dhe says omg. youre difficult. WILL YOU? and i say, if youre serious, yes. and he says THANK YOU. geez. and i just turn over so i can cheeeeese so hard and almost cry and just thank the LORD because i cannot believe this is happening and 2011 is the best year ever and this is the best night of my life! & after that he turns over too and says wuchu smilin about and i say dang im happy can i be happy shit! and he says yea im glad you finally are. if youre happy im happy then he kisses me on my neck and then like idk it goes from there. he comes closer to me and i push my hips back on em. and he starts rubbin on my sides and pullin my hips against him and kissin on my neck and were both breathing hard and he turns me over and we start kissing and its like..better than ever and i feel like i dont even deserve to be this happy. i wrap my arms completely around his neck and he pulls my legs around his back and were just rollin around kissin and stuff and im like you better not change your mind in the morning and he looks at me like psh and he says i wont and goes about whatever. and you know it goes from there lol..
i had SO many dreams about us. just..being best friends. being well known for being together and being that couple that like when someone says they like brandon whoever they told is gon tell em bout me and basically say good luck with that one. takin pics everywhere we go. him asking me if i wanna come with him to freaking whataburger just to have me in the car. allll his friends knowin who i am. everyone bein able to tell when we have problems cause he gets all upset and his friends ask me michelle what is goin on with you and brandon. to be able to put a whole album dedicated to us and lovey statuses gallore. valentines day is coming up. then theres my bday. birthday dinner him sitting next to me meeting my family and stuff. he doesnt have to come to my competition but if he did hed ride with me and if he didnt come hed be texting me all day and make a status like good luck to my girl in her competition today shes gunna win. and like his friends be able to make fun of him like nigga you sprung. and for us to be the last one standing. when everyone breaks up, we gon make it. cause no matter what we go thru our feelings get deeper everyday and we cannotlive regular happy lives without eachother. til i know everrything about this man and he knows everything about me. when im mad about something i text him and he says smh what happened now and i tell em and hes like ugh but he listens. i go workout and then watch him play basketball. bring em food home from work. then theres padre. relays. it would be so fun. we could be in the same place but not have to be all on eachothers tips. i could loosen up if he would TIGHTEN up. but thats just me, im always willing to be better for him. i care enough to try to keep him.
it sounds nice doesnt it? anyone reading would smile and be like ahh its like a dream! too bad it is. too too bad. cause we really could be so perfect.
im trying.
to force myself to accept reality
instead of trying to mold it into my little fantasies
i know my daydreams have destroyed relationships
but my mind only creates stimulus where there is none
my delusions only happen when reality is not doing the trick
whenever we were closer, i just reinacted real life in my brain
let me make it clear he was MORE than enough
all i wanted was more of what we already had
ill still always wonder why. if he liked me then why did he neglect me why ignore me and put everything under the sun before me
but if he didnt like me, why stay? is that what he does with all girls
i thought about it last night what it would be like for him
if this time of me not speaking to him would make him like me more or less
if he would compare girls to me or not
like i know im a good kisser. among other things.
i know my physical-stuff style is different and usual tends to be more advanced than the average guirl my age. feels like most other girls if it gets to that point would surely be boring they dont participate as much
(still keep checking the phone)
anyway. and i wonder if he has good chemistry with everyone. like does he chill with everyone like he chilled with me? he talked to taylor apparently for a good montha and a half maybe more so its like..they lasted longer than us. it is 100% possible that he liked her more. or maybe she just wasnt as "needy"
idk. it takes me a while to come down from the fairy tales
but today was cool.
i think im still a little buzzed because he texted me yday
i try not to think about it but im probably only less miserable because i thought he didnt care at ALL. and the fact that he texted me shows i at least crossed his mind
i commented on maliks pic today and mikes status (his friends) so i feel like its only a matter of time til he notices im never on his timeline or clicks on my picture. to see if i have my phone maybe after a couple days pass and i still havent texted back
i cant imagine him texting me again after i ignored him yesterday especially if he knows i deliberately ignored him
too proud. he aint beggin for shit
i know he cares when ppl r mad at him but i think if he sees i deleted him hell probably just be mad at me. at least at first. and be like okay its beef. now that i think about it, it was a little crucial. but im sorry ive felt so much better since i did it if im supposed to b getting over him why does it matter.
its gunna define "us" really. its gunna show if he ever cared. if he can just let me go without so much as a plea, then as insulting as that is, ill just be gone and eventually ill be over him. little by little every day my image of him gets lower. and i accept his heartlessness. little by little.
obviously i still like him.
i still daydream. its still hard to separate it. but..im trying
didnt cry today
didnt even have the urge
im not sad. right now.
i feel like it could get ugly.
when he sees that i deleted him it could get ugly.
and if he ever does decide to fight me on it ...which honestly, id probably love but not if hes just gunna stay the same. i wanna get close to him not further and i dont wanna like get close just long enough to keep me on board then go back to neglect. id freaking LOVE for him to feel bad and wanna make it up to me. duh.
im trying to adjust to the idea that thats not going to happen. because there is a HUGE majority percentage possibility that this is it. that hes not gunna fall for some hissy fit and hes not gunna chase me down the road. i guess we'll find out how he thought of me. i feel like it had been over for a minute. his actions are so effing loud his words are pretty much silent now. ugh girl stop chekcing the phone.
but yea. day 2. was a success. i didnt eat AWESOME but i made myself workout and i didnt eat bad. it was a day of procrastination. i dont wanna sleep late anymore. wasted a whole day lol.
if were gunna be honest. yes i do miss old Brandon.
terribly. but not as much as i really just feel like the whole thing was a lie. hes basically a stranger. i still go to his page. im glad i cant see his wall but i do look at his pictures. he is adorable. honestly, and especially compared to his friends, his style is questionable BUT idk. i guess i jsut miss the idea. its embarrassing what i let myself think. it gets a little less shameful everyday.
and little by little im starting to except that i have ZERO control over the situation. annnnd that.. he really is gone.