psychosis

i seriously feel like a crackhead tryna come off crack.
i need my meds. let me go ahead & say that im pretty sure that is the root of all this. but while i dont have them let me tell you how it feels
im insane. seriously. stupid thoughts attack you all day long.
reality becomes just like..an idea. a perception
and its so off
so negative
its like mental HIV leaving you freaking susceptible to every psychotic disease imaginible and every mental fatality like wow
i just feel so off
like im suspended in mid air and idk if im gunna fall or not nothing to hold onto
living on this random planet and im the alien
no one speaks my language and im so isolated no matter who im around
they have nothing to offer me
and absolutely nothing can fill this huge imaginary hole
its like i know i need help
but i have no idea what kind
cant think of a single thing in the world that would make me happy
literally.
door #2 could text me right now
& tell me he misses me ask me to come over
i would feel nothing
just fear. like whens it gunna end ok its nice now but whens it gunna hurt cuz i kno it is
if i could use a few words to describe this its like
paranoia solitude hopelessness
the uncertainty is unbearable its like i dont even know my name
and im just constantly looking for a hit from some kind of escape mechanism
i calm down when i think about getting a tattoo
nothing else. has to be something extreme that makes me feel in control
im like..i look in the mirror & i love how i look today i did my makeup perfect
but whats the point of life like this seriously
whats the point of being drop dead gorgeous if youre invisible
if it cant get you love then whats the point
really.
being an awesome person with a good heart whats the point if it cant get you love
being smart, successful, having every freaking blessing known to man
all the friends everyone likes youn wants to be you
but its empty there is no fulfillment to be found
and you feel like the only person in the world who feels how you do
what is the point. when does life start
or where is this mental adjustment i can make right now to start living today
because i feel dead
everythings so freaking BORING
& i just feel like whats the point. i wanna have fun..but nothings fun.
no ones fun. talking to people is like a job.
everyone irritates me i just try to drown them out and pretend im as alone as i feel
make up my own imaginary world where things make sense
& its like the better of a person i am being..closer to what God wants me to be
i feel like it has so much to do with people
but i cant even be around them without becoming them
who the freak am i? this is not it.
all the stuff, all the surroundings, all the embellishment. it has nothing to do with my spirit
which is just being dimmed and contorted by everyone around me
being 20 years old is just not fun at all when youre caught between 5 and 30
there is no one i feel...akin to
at all
the only way i know how to feel ANYTHING is with boys
and without them, now that im trying to let that go,
its like there is nothing
im a freaking zombie
feigning interest
fading away
working for nothing because no matter what i do or achieve...
how did i get back here
dang.
miserable heartbroken
overly social
antisocial
is there a possible way to just be regular?
to just be stable
how long til that happens
i mean... what do i have to do
to feel...stable.
for a while i felt like i wokeup from the nightmare
now i feel like im in a coma
smh. just gunna keep praying. do what im supposed to & pray tomorrow will be better