better

wow..looking at blogs from the past i was really delusional
i hate it when im like that
anyway long story short it got to the point i made em talk on 'day 5" and he said he thought it would "better us" if we were just friends & he wanted to go back to how we were. which is what i wanted too. things have gotten better
but he hasnt changed much
i have
ive just loosened up
i dont make lovey statuses anymore
even though if i wanna write on his wall or like a pic or comment i just do it now
& most the time if i wanna text em i just do
sometimes he texts me
which is an improvement
its better than when we were officially talking i can say that
i dont sit around paranoid anymore but its more God has given me the strength to just not let myself do it
i try to focus on other things
& since were not..wll idk if we are, but if were not which i dont think we are
talking,
i have no right to do a lot of the things i used to. so i just chill & pretend not to care
finally got to go over there after the plex
we didnt talk about "us"
it was really just like old times but after a while he did get like..idk on me
i cant say it was the most affectionate thing in the world
i get his humor now so i dont find him as rude as i used to though hes definitely never just out right sweet
we just fought (play fight) & fake argued
he did bring up me dancing on the other void prospect (he doesnt know hes a void prospect) but he brought it up twice in a reproachful tone which made me think he might have cared
i did see him watching me several times
i wanted to b around him & i did want him there im not gunna lie
BUT i went about my own thing i ddint talk to em once we got in the party
i talked to em after though
told em to tell me when he got back & he did
so i went over there
we were just looking up his classes & watching tv at first
then we were fighting
then we were just talking about whos friends with who & this & that
i remember now thats how we got to know e/o
hes a good listener
we talked about how i never go out & how im not that close to some peeople
and how i used to be when i first came
& he was like 'thats good you grew up though' i was like 'i changed a lot" and he was like 'for the better though" and it was cool after that we were just laying there kinda cuddled up. at first he told me to come here and i wouldnt then he turned over & i waited but he was going to sleep so i made em wakeup and i was like "wutcha doin" lol and he was like" what..layin down..haha what you doin" lol i was like ';dont go to sleep" he was like 'well shit since u over there chillin" lol so..idk i felt a little like he might want to take advantage of the time with me idk i feel mixed emotions about the whole thing. but yea we were just hugged up & he was rubbing the small of my back & i was rubbing the back of his neck while we were talking. then idk how we got past talking. oh yea idk i turned over & i wasnt facing him. & he was like feeling my face & then my lips thats how it went on haah
i still feel chills when he touches me. but we didnt get into the usual cuddle position from the git. i was laying on top of the covers at first. and he had to kind of playfully force his way into usbeing in a more intimate position.
i mean the way i feel is different from how i normally feel. im not all lovey dovey like i was thank you Lord that is a 100% miracle. I still like him. a lot. & if i could choose someone to be with it would be him, but i still want us to get closer. i still feel like we should naturally be closer than we are now by this point & i do get the feeling sometimes that there is no opportunity for advancement, ive just never seen it happen. i didnt do the "were just friends" thing. probably shouldve. but like, as friends, hes not allowed to say anything about who i dance with or anything i do. that made me think he does somewhat associate himself with me im not quite sure. idk if he was just sayin whatever. but he brought it up. and afterwards like outside the party he hugged me and felt my back and was like "dang youre sweaty u musta been working." so it was a good 2-3 times he brought it up i didnt defend myself (thank you God for helping me be cool) cause i dont have to. & i didnt chop him up about anything. but he was sayin he was just chillin (the usual thirsty drunk freshman wasnt there) so i was like just cause your normal groupies werent there and he was like 'there were girls there" so he acted like he made it a point that i was dancing and he wasnt. like it was a personal choice. i mean these are just things that if i thought he still liked and wanted to talk to me, would serve as confirmation. but i guess i could assume that theres still something just from the fact that i was over there. he told me two girls slept in his bed the night before randomly. & he slept on the couch? lol but yea. oh and when i told em where randall lived (that it was a boy) he got quiet. idk. he never struck me as the jealous type so im like blah whatever lol idk what it is im not assuming anything he doesnt tell me. it surprised me tho when i went over there he was all in bed & shirtless watchin tv super comfortable like he expected me to spend the night and i actually wasnt planning on it. so i guess hes kinda used to me too. at this point thats my only concern. im over the trust issues. i know he could do whatever and i either wouldnt know or would have to find out the hard way, i mean theres a chance. theres no proof for good or bad. so im not like "oh he would never" do anything. but im over that paranoia stuff cuz if he decides to do me wrong it wont be because of me. ive been on my best behavior ive been nothing but nice. & i never trip on him about anything.
i just worry that maybe hes so comfortable like..im just..kinda there at this point. like if some new pretty girl comes along for him to get to know, im gunna be left behind because i mean we already know eachother. im not new and exciting to him. i dont think. i feel like on his part theres no passion. when we are kissing & this & that yea theres passion but boys can duplicate that with anyone theyre attracted to. so im just tryin to go about life & not think about it. i dont feel incredibly welcome or wanted at the time..idk. im not trippin. tyG. i mean..if we are 'talking" still, i believe that if i make it past this month we will have been talking longer than him & anyone else at this school. & hes already made it for the longest ive talked to anyone continuously. so..yea. idk. things went down. like i said, i dont distrust em anymore. i feel like we made it through a lot. now i guess i just gotta let it see where it goes. see if it gets better or if it just dies off and either way let it be. i dont wanna be without em. idk. i guess i just dont have anyone else right now. & i do like him. i dont wanna accept that you know its just.. not gunna happen ever. but at the same time im not trippi on a title right now. i just wanna get to the point where we talk every day. tell eachother everything. you know, get some collateral. so that i know im a crucial part of his life and hes a crucial part of mine. i want us to be best friends. i still look at his fb. but not as often. mostly just to see what hes doin. i did text em yday. just to c how his first day was. the convo was cool nothin special. i did tell em he needs to come to MY room one of these days but he aint say nothin. i think im just gunna give up on us ever having a meaningful conversation via text lol. im just getting usedto how he is hes an in person or not at all type person. do i want something more.. MORE.? yes. but like i said. right now, i like him & i think he likes me. im not gunna turn down other options for him. speaking of. today, let another OLD "option" kinda of take its course. nothing to write home about. i did think about him the whole time though & it made me realize if its someone i know right now, i dont want em if its not him. if i meet someone new maybe but like..idk. i just want him more consistently. hes not reliable right now. idont have any collateral & i would really like to have some. i just hope that if someone moves on first its me cause i dont wanna feel that again. i have been thinking about valentines day. i think im gunna wait til like 1 week before & see where things are before i pursue other options lol i already have a friend in mine. if i decide to care. i might now. i mean every year i would love to have someone. i want flowers and a bear and to feel special. at one point i thought maybe wed be official by then. HA. haha i laugh at that now i really do. theres no way. i dont c us doing that..period now. we'll see. things can change drastically overnight who knows what almost a month could do. but im not gunna hint. or hope. or pray about it. i just wanna be at peace with things as they are. however they are at any given time. right now the only thing i would change about us is that id have us talking more. like everyday and more often. but im cool. im not gunna ponder all the ppl he could be talking to or what he could b doing. i know if i wanted to know i could ask and he would tell me. he hasnt been on fb the last thing on his wall is a post from me :) but yea um im just gunna guess he went to class & is playing basketball. the only thing other than that ive even heard of him doing is playing video games with malik. I thank God for the confidence ive gained. im pretty sure im the best he could do. surely im the best option he has credential wise and lookwise and by rating of heart. but its about who youre attracted to. i dont take that away from how i view myself though. i know i have a lot to offer thats not my concern. i just think right now hes not trippin on a girl. i think before i was just remembering like getting swept off your feet by somebody you really like that makes you want to cuff. andi was like man if its not me someones gunna come along, and they still might. i hope they dont but i cant stop em. i just.. hope that if the bug does bite him its with me. i think it already bit me and im recovering now lol but yea im just gunna focus on school & not getting too caught up because if i give school my 100% anyway, im not gunna have time to be how i want us to be. i could make time but i probably wont need to. ugh i wish he was the LEAST bit romantic i really would die if i got a bear and flowers on vday. but were just..not like that. were basically friends with benefits at this point. its not my dream coem true but thats just my interpretation. and i dont wanna be alone and thats what i have right now. its crazy i can literally picture like if i dont text him, us like not talking for a good two weeks. especially not seeing eachother i think thats just about over. ill probably see him friday at lillies pre game. POSSIBLY tomorrow at her bday dinner im not sure. everyones broke right now lol im hoping that on friday if hes there maybe we can have a repeat of monday (except better.) but idk its a long shot. i actually didnt text em today. i wanted to as soon as old prospect left because i was wondering if hed careif he found out. would he be like WHAT and never talk to me again. i think hed care. but yea, we'll see. ill give it a few days and see if he says anything. but as for everything weve been doing a lot better. we dont normally go a full day without talking. its usually me but every now and then its him. or he'll like a facebook status or a pic or something. & im getting close to all his friends. i tried a little in the beginning but its not hard theyre all super cool. especially door # 1 that ish just happens. hes the closest one. him & his gal r so cute man i wish he would be an influence on his friend lol but shrug. who knows. anyway. i just hope things get better and we get closer not further apart as school goes on because if it can be considered cumulative we have almost been talking for two months. & if it matters, he still feels new and exciting to me. :) anyway kbye