anxiety levels are high lately

not quite sure why, i thought id be happy if me and corey were okay but im moreso just NOT depressed. idk if hes why my anxie so high lately but it is. today i had this horrible feeling my stomach was in knots i thought something was up with him or the cats or work. everything is apparently fine. but yea im only going to be able to go on like this for idk maybe a little while longer like a month. if we havent made any progress by christmas and we're not talking about presents then im going to have to end it. idk im starting to feel like we are just friends with benefits. which is just not what i fucking want. he seems to b coming around.
heres an article helping disprove the whole he could be using me theory http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-when-a-Guy-Is-Using-You-for-Sex

hes just confusing and idk. im going to have to be patient i think the way i kind of took control and was very adament about this was like...idk its affecting how things are. i really have to just see how things turn out if i just dont talk about anything serious for a while and just focus on like being with him and creating fun memories. i mean cause what he needs is freedom and support I THINK. just....mostly freedom. and what i need is consistency. affection. he gives me the affection mostly when im with him but what i want more than anything is for him to be mine. to commit. to know for SURE. cause its up in the air right now im walking on tippy toes and i dont trust him cause i feel like at any minute he might just change his mind and i dont know the strength of his feelings for me anymore at all i dont feel like he needs me or would suffer at sll if i wasnt there. i want that to change im used to things just happening i always just fall into things. but hes very guarded and...idk maybe things take him time. idk. im trying to relax. i dont want to embarrass myself or feel how i felt before. he wants me to do butthole things with him and im gunna say no because were not officially in a relationship for all io know, were not friends on fb, were not fb official and he doesnt want to be so he cant just have all the privileges and me always telling him yes when so often he tells me no ya know. if he doesnt want to do something he just wont and as much as i want to make him happy hes not that concerned with making me happy and i dont want to do that. so yea. i want to talk to him about everything that bothers me i just have to be like...idk its like do i want to keep him yes. i like how we are for the most part. his friends are weird and not that nice. and right now..i dont feel that great about me which is reflecting on him so im working on it. i feel like he treated his other gfs better. sometimes i feel like he just doesnt see me that way. i feel kinda guy ish. but idk...maybe he does. at this point sometimes i feel like i took the easy way out by re contacting him. like i might not have dropped my class. but honestly like.. there was a reason. i was miserable. for a reason. i did get attached and im in a better place as far as that goes now. me and him. idk we got stuff to work through its like starting over like we dont really trust eachother. the things he says...idk he says stuff and the stuff he doesnt say...make me feel like... idk but then its like i cant just IGNORE the good. before its like i only saw the good now its like i only see the bad. this boy spent SO MUCH TIME WITH ME. and a lot of it was just hanging out. we spend a LOT of time just being in eachothers presence and yes we have a lot of sex but one of the signs on that article was if kisses always lead to sex. he kisses me a lot. and no it doesnt always lead to sex i get little pecks all the time everywhere. he just looks at me and kisses me. i mean i was over there wednesday then he had me over friday and invited me to come back saturday i mean ... idk. he coonfuses me and idk whats going on but maybe this is just how things are in the beginning and you work your way UP to knowing. in the past its been like oh three weeks i love you you love me lets be together forever. maybe hes one of the things that is worth waiting for idk. idk but im not just going to throw it all away. i havbe learned though to only argue in person. cause in person i win. so ill hold my tongue til i see him thursday. hes coming out with us halloween i gtg get him a shirt to be a lumberjack right now. i know its going to be fun. OMG SIMBA IS FINALLY PLAYING WITH THE OTHER CATS. anyway. yea, idk. we talk like best friends and argue like brother and sister. i wish things were more romantic between us but maybe they will be. we've both got our walls up right now. maybe with time theyll come down. i mean he has gone back to texting me a lot. he texted me goodmorning this morning. and just now texted me immediately after he got off usually he goes home and like gets situated etc. i mean things are getting better. the thing is we dont have to like get to know eachother's bad sides yet. cause for the most part weve seen em. ive never seen him mad really. and he hasnt seen me cry. so not ALL of it. but we have seen the unattractive sides of eachother. at this point we're just getting to know everything else. he does like to spend time with me which is THE most important thing to me. i guess i could just...let the other stuff go. for the time being. try to work my way in there a little deeper. ill give the facebook official thing til christmas because i mean that will have been...4 months. ive met his friends now almost all of them. hung out with his best friend a LOT. he brought me a long with the guys to go eat lunch. he always pays for everything. deep down he's a sweet heart and he does do the stuff that matters and i know he can be very sweet. just maybe if i dont pressure him. cause in the beginning i didnt pressure him at all. and he was just SO sweet. so. as hard as it is HELL lets see what happens. lets act like i dont care if we're friends on fb. ill post pics and just maybe not tag him. and only take pics at memorable events. act like i dont care if we're official. never bring up the facebook thing again and just HOPE that at some point he'll wake up and go man, i have the best girl in the world i want to do something for her. im going to plant seeds as to what i want for christmas though by lying lol and telling stories about ppl nthat dont exist haha all i want is a commitment and just like something romantic im not huge on presents. but yea. i can't picture him falling in love with me. as of right now im happy to say i dont love him. and i dont want to. i want us to fall in love WITH EACHOTHER. at the same time. i think we're in a similar boat right now. all i havent done is meet his family thats gunna be a huge step. at least since i know hes scared of commitment then i know if and when he does commit its going to be a big deal. and mean a LOT to me and him. i mean...idk. its hard to picture now. but i mean in the beginning i could never picture us being romantic. i just have to try to be better. not be possessive and demanding. just be...idk..unselfish and make him happy and maybe he'll return the favor. i think i am getting a little bit more collateral little by little. i think he can feel me NOT melting into him every time he's around. i'm not nearly as clingy. ill turn away from him and hell make me turn around. the other night i was laying on him and i cant remember which mean thing it was that he said but i wouldnt kiss him. and he was like give me a kiss! and i was like NO and he's like why and i told em cause he was an asshole but he kept trying and i wouldn't. and hes like fine im not touching you for the rest of the night so i said fine and turned over and it took like five seconds and he was like can you just like come lay on me or something. lol so i did and he was like give me a kiss and i was like just one and he was like ugh well if im limited lol and then of course he kissed me. and then it turned into several. lol still having the dryness issue. i think until i get rid of this yeast infection what im going to do is buy a yeast infection kit and just take the inserters and use those to shoot the moisturizer up there before i go and maybe like once while im there while hes not looking. or start now just to like keep it moisturized. i might get that tonight and start tonight. but yea, so....idk. things are progressing. let me just be positive. theres a voice in my head that says he doesnt appreciate you. hes trying to milk you. hes friends with brooke on fb and not you hes hiding something. he'll never see you as you see him. but something led me back to him. i never had a bad feeling about him. so im following my heart and how it felt at one point and hoping this is our second chance and itll be great. i want to be the love of his loife even more than britt. i want him to think of our relationship as the best hes ever had and feel like he couldnt live without me. i hope we can get to that point but we'll see. right now its just a lot a lot a lot of fun. and now that i only have one class the rest of this year we can get closer and the christmas break. so that when school starts next year we'll already have a foundation cause im going to be BUSY as hell! anyway saw pics of myself from a week ago. my body was looking good! my midsection was. and the day before the show i looked amazing. i want to get back there and go even furhter. i think iut woulod be safe to set the photoshoot for like mid november and train/eat for it. then do the sodium etc diuretics water stuff like i did for the show and it should be a good time ! i just want to improve even more. i want to be a sexy beast i want him to be so proud of my body like look at fitness models and others peoples bodies and be like man my girl looks so much better than that. but also just for me. I WANT TO GET RID OF MY STOMACH and be 100% confident in my body. but one highlight from today then i gtg. i did tell him like i wanna be a big swole sexy monster like you. i want you to be proud of me like i am of you. and he was like i am proud of you why wouldnt i be and what do you mean about looks and i told em im not just proud of him cause of how he looks i just generally think hes awesome and hes like yea youre hard working like me and always up for improvement and thank you youre pretty awesome yourself. :) so. that was sweet. i guess i just gotta relax. see the good and that theres nothing really to worry about. focus on things that are happening now and right now things are good. i gotta trust him that hes not doing anything behind my back and in the future ya know maybe hell initiate all the things because he knows they matter to me. IM PUMPED ABOUT HALLOWEEN THOUGH