Amazing Full Weekend Together

SO update on Wednesday: I couldnt have asked for a more perfect outcome. it went 100% my way. he actually ended up askin me to go over there THAT NIGHT so i did. first we watched movie with Chris for 3 hours. then we went in his room. i didnt stay i left at like 3 something. meh. but anyway so yea we did end up having sex. even though i was ratchet cuz i didnt shave ANYTHING lol i couldnt help it. but yea. so i asked him why he was freaking out. then i basically told him the only way i was going to leave him alone was if he could swear on his mothers life and chris life that he didnt want me. and of course he couldnt cause its not true. i told em i like him he likes me and we love spending time together. thats what realtionships are to me. i told him he has to learn to ceize the day cause were not given that many days you gotta cherish every one. and that hes going to WORRY about me whether were together or not so theres no point and hes justbeing stiff and uptight. and he agreed. he couldnt really argue with me after that. he didnt try. then he kissed me and we started kissing and there was a lot of teasing before we finally had sex. but when we did it was good. slower than it used to be. everything is more intimate now. but like yea, at one point it was just like my favorite part he was on top of me and we were kissing and in between kissses i said "dont leave me" and he just laughed and looked at me and then i was like ok? just let me have you and i was like ok and he just kept smiling and looking down and i was like what what r u thinking about me hes like nothing just..good.im feeling good. and he kept smiling and then we started kissing again, this was before sex. but yea it was a good time. when i left i told em that i was off saturday if he wanted to invite me over friday lol so like friday came around i didnt know if he would. we talked all day thursday. toward the end i stopped the convo and told em i was going to bed but that id love to come see him friday but i know i was just over there and if he wants to have guy time id understand. he didnt say anything and i went to sleep. then friday i said i wouldnt text em but i texted him an ass pic in the morning saying " #offseasonass" lmao and he said it looked good etc and that i could come over tn for sure so i went right after work. we watched key and peele which is hilarious and blah blah then went to his room. both friday andd saturday there was a lot of assholery,. but friday we smoked and went to the bed then it was like everything was amazing, at one point in passing after he said something crazy (rude probably) he did say "love youu" but i know it slipped and he was high. so i didnt even go there lol i know he doesnt mean it. but yea so the kissing was amazing the sex was amazing the only thing was freaking i had cotton mouth like a bitch and my vagina was dry as shit lol from being dehydrated and high lol so that was an issue but yea. then i woke up, left at like 1030 didnt feel amazing when i left. i had a weird feeling all day that i thought was because of him. ended up being because of dustyn we ended up not going out after all that hype i didnt even want to tell him cause i hate looking like i have no life etc. but he actually was like what r u doing at this moment and i told em nothing and he said was i off tmrw i told em yes then he said if my plans didnt work out i could come over but i politely declined cause i said i know you dont want to spend all that time with me but i was expecting him to like.,.ya know, insist a little bit. which apparently will never happen. but yea so like 930 rolls around i keep texting em hinting and i finally said i wanna come over i just dont wanna be annoying. but he didnt say anyhing and i knew it would end up being to late so i just left praying hed say something. but i was halfway there and eh hadnt said shit so i said youre taking too long im leaving and i called but he didnt answer and i just hoped hed be there and that hed check the text messages so i wouldnt have to just show up at the door. but he called me back when i was almost there. and i told em how close i was. then i went to the grocery store and spent effing $75 on him like a dumb ass., totally unecessary. but anyway he was grateful. and i folded his clothes this morning. but yea so we smoked. chilled. he showed me the condoms all over his room which pissed me off and ended up being a conversation. but i guess they were old. he says he hasnt been with anyone else since me so i really just have to trust him until hje gives me a reason not to. but it was a good night. i put moistrriaer so i wasnt so dry. same as always we watched tv, kissed, had sex, talked. wokeup somewhat late. had morning sex, got breakfast. took a long nap then when i woke up i was going to leave and he was like well what r u gunna do today and i was like..just going home..and he wa slike well we were gunna go to the shack if you wanted to come...i told em he has to learn to tell people what he wants instead of saying they can if they want to. hes not so good with words when it comes to me. i told em he doesnt say anything nice. he just..looks at me. i mean i can tell by his body language that he has feelings for me. always wants to be close to me and always wants me with em. i just wish he was nicer verbally. hes actually always picking on me which is annoying so im gunna have to figure out a way for him to stop. but yea, left at like 730 and he still like..idk didnt necessarily act like he wanted me to leave though i bet he did. i met a lot of his friends. well mostly chris friends who i like better than coreys friends theyre nicer. but they dont fawn over me like i was used to in the past. garrisens friends werent super nice either though. i havent just clicked super well with a guys friends for a minute., Simba is straight getting comfortable with his butt in my face right now. its so fluffy, hes noisy and adorable and super loving. so sad how they treated him. everyone is ok with him now except cheetara who still violently hates him. hes friggin precious., but anyway with me and corey. idk what im doing. just enjoying it i guess. the sooner i get back working out and working on my own shit again i think my confidence will go up and our relationship will improve. today he acted more like we were in a relationship he keeps asking me why i put up with him but today he was like then why r u with me. its like hes trying to push me away. im going to have to put my foot down or like ignore him when he says dumb shit cause it makes me feel..bad about the situation. but i mean, idk, im confused now myself about why i was so obsessed with this. i think some of the passion on my part faded cause it doesnt feel like it didnt but im happy cause i feel freer now like i have more perspective and can control myself. im just... losing faith as far as his feelings deepending ya know? how could that possibly happen. i just cant see it. not for me. we're getting closer but at this point im more on the same page as him when it comes to us. im not sure where its going to lead at all. its not a romantic fairytale. idk if he'll let it be. whatever the weirdness is its him. my walls are up now and i think thats kind of why but still like...idk we'll see. i truly dont understand why he acts the way he doesn with me. like..im a friend. i hate how hepicks on me constantly he makes me feel like im not a girl ya know. like he doesnt respect me. ill tell em. just i dont want to argue over texts anymore. i dont want to argue at all. pointless. i did tell him if he really wants me to go away messing with another girl would do it. i do think hes a little comfortable and a little overconfident. it devaLUES me in my opinion. once im in there a little bit more ill say something. he just doesnt make me feel good like he used to and its getting annoying. but i do like being with em and just being around him. he wont add me back on fb. still working on it. idk. we're recovering. neither of us, less so me, is fully comfortable or confident in this. hes not committed. so its hard for me to relax. idk. it doesnt feel....100% ya know. and i know he knows hes wrong for how hes acting. i want him to stop. like i dont want to leave him, but i dont want him thinking theres no reason i ever would. but when i left he was like "soo...next week...or weekend"? i think us spending time together is good cause we're getting to know each other. i asked em if he would care if i worked at a place like redneck heaven and he was like...yea i think id let you work there. I was like hmmmm LET. idk. there's a possibility through us spending more time together he could like me more and want me around more and start to get attached to me and care more about me. but i cant see it. idk the dynamic. im weird. but like..idk what i want is for us to be nice to each other at least the majority of the time i dont want someone that picks on me all the time that doesnt make me feel good. i know he's capable of being really sweet depending on how he feels about someone. idk i need to wake up a little bit too. my confidence is down and im feeling a little weird i think its showing. whether he realizes it or not, and it attracts negative treatment. so i gotta build myself up. which should be his job but hey i wanted this. i dont feel all lovey dovey like i used to. ive grown up and chilled out a little bit. i dont like em nearly as much as i did. which is good. now we're much more even. im just committed and he's not. but i dont wanna fee; like im not being myself. or being confident or that im trying to impress him. but i guess as time goes on...i dont trust him right now. he could bounce at any moment. i dont know how he feels about me so i dont want to tell him how i feel and right now i dont know as much. it doesnt feel as strong. his arrogance etc is pushing me away. we'll see. im not obsessed. but it was a good weekend i had fun and wasnt bored. the thing that sucks now is this test in the morning and im so tired i want to go to sleep but i HAVE to wakeup early to study. and i did not cook today like i was supposed to. tomorrow can be prep day. i was living this weekend. but yea. learned a little bit about each other. had fun. not quite as sure how i feel. now sure where this is going. but for now...it appears to have SOME potential. kinda feels like friends with benefits : / we'll see. it is progress though that he WANTED to spend this much time with me. and like kept wanting to be close to me. showed a liiiitle bit every now and then that he cared. when hes high idk if its just him being high or if the truth comes out but he is definitely like more affectionate. brutally honest but definitely affectionate. the sex was like much much slower unless we do it from behind its a lot slower and more passionate. the fact that he brought up when i was coming back....progress might be being made. and he did text me on my way home when he was making the cookies i bought them. thanked me for getting them and folding his clothes and for being so nice to him lol idk man. idk what im doing. thought i did, but now i dont. lets just hope that i was right cause at one point i really believed in this. and him.