its been almost a full week...still nowhere near being okay

I keep backtracking. its like i cannot let this go. I remember when BJ did this to me in HS but i think he had a reason. and he loved me. so there's a difference of course he came back. he had to see me all the time and we had tons of mutual friends to remind him. him and Tyree both would come back to me after time. keyword time. idk why i cant just let this go and give it time man something keeps pulling me right back into this trap. i don't have to see him hear from him. we don't have any mutual friends this is all completely in my head. i could try to find a distraction like i usually would but i don't want to its just going to make me miss him more the thought of someone else is disgusting to me right now. i got another cat from someone. i think it has fleas and was poorly taken care of .idk. it didn't help. i wanted a kitten ., he doesn't like my other cats. and i just feel like i'm biting off more than i can chew so im going to take him to the shelter Friday morning. hes not even neutered so i might as well wait and pay for a cat that is. but anyway, yea so today i woke up basically crying again. decided to start taking clen again ill probably stop cause i don t even have the motivation to workout right now so why bother. i'm just going to try to eat healthy but otherwise take all the pressure off myself for other stuff so i can focus on healing. inside it feels like my world is falling down and i have no control. its been so long since i've been dumped especially by someone i really really liked. i'm trying to not use the l word because maybe if i don't talk about it i wont feel it. i KNOW i need to focus on me. my fucking heart wont let my mind leave me alone i just keep thinking about him. maybe if i dont think of it as forever. maybe if i dont think of it as a breakup but more of a break. i said id give it two weeks and if he didnt text me id text him. but i been texting him a lot lately. i sent him three texts defaming his character then when he sent me three pages back i didnt read it, told him i wasnt gunna read it. and that we shouldn t talk cause were bad for eachother. and then i took it back the next day cause i felt bad and didnt want him to feel bad. i mean..i dont want him to be miserable unless it leads him back to me. i just dont want to be msierable either but i know the more i text him the longer its going to take him to come back if he ever does. i havent really given him any space. and after the stuff i said hes probably mad at me. idk why i keep checking this phone i know im not going to see that little circle with the line though i keep praying one day i will. i told him today that im struggling because we never talk or speak and i miss him and its not fair that hes okay and im no0t. at this point im hurting so bad its hard for me to censor myself. ir eally never thought it would get to this point. i told em i wish we could sit down and talk like we used to. and i asked him if he misses me at all i mean its been like a week and a half he has had some space :( and i told em i was off today. its crazy how something so simple like him asking me to come over so we could talk would is so impossible. but it might as well be me winning the lottery, him never seeing me is his leverage. if we lived closer this wouldnt be happening. he cant be around me and act like he doesnt have feelings for me. but i know he wont let that happen. he doesnt want to see me or talk to me hes probably still mad at me. yea i think ill save the clen for my next comp or cutting or something cause this is random and i hate how it feels in the beginning. anyway i said i was going to let go. accept and move on, stop fighting but I CANT. I CANT MENTALLY LET THIS GO. i need fucking help. im sick of hurting SO MUCH every fucking day i dont want to see his face every time i close my eyes. i dont want too dream about him and miss him and continue to worship the ground he walks on. i miss him SO much i miss his face so much. i miss laying with him and hugging him and just cuddling he was so big and warm with his big old hands. most of all. absolutely most of all i miss how close we would be just talking an inch from eachothers faces and laughing and smiling and he would grab my face and kiss me and in between kisses he would look at me and smile i miss that so much i think whats killing me is the idea of just...never having that again. but time heals all pain and even anger. so maybe...its a long shot but its better than nothing and obviously i cant just accept that things or over. maybe i can at least get myself to leave him alone by just thinking of it as a break. feelings like that cant just go away over night. and they WERE THERE just at my show i saw that they were still there and he admitted that he could see things getting more serious. there's always hope. so if i just...spend my time working on myself doing other things and trying to better myself. get fine and do well in school and get the challenge together basically get my ish together.like i did before i met him. i was doing much better then. i felt good about myself. now my confidence is a little low. and i just am not in that great of a mental place. i cant revolve my whole life around him. thats too much pressure...its hard cause he was so good he was everything i ever needed he made me trust him God i pray i havent lost that forever, im probably stupid and as time goes on I'll probably give up. ok so he answered me. i think i might actually get my conversation. wow ive gotten so used to reading what he says. we need to talk in person and just get this ALL out i dont care how long it takes if it ends up being a huge argument whatever until we get it WORKED OUT. basically he said he feels like he did the right thing because he doesnt want to worry about someone else and he doesnt want to feel like he is the reason someone is unhappy but he set himself up with me and he doesnt necessarily know what hes doing but hes doing the best he can. ugh if we can just get past this. i want to be the one thats there when hes ready to commit. i dont have anything else to do! i can work on being less dependent i can work on being less needy those are things that probably need to be worked on anyway. but i feel like we belong together rather than not or we could just see where things go and not put a label on it. i hope he initiates a convo. after his first text where he said all that he said he does owe it to me to talk to me. so im hoping i can get my face to face convo i think that would REALLY help. ugh idk why i went grocery shopping i really just wanna keep eating crap :( LOL anyway........im just...better with him than without. i want to work through this. idk. we'll see. he hasnt said anything back yet but i told em i was tired of texting and id wait til he was ready to talk to me in person.