this is actually from 10/15 just want it to be like it was. trying to be patient

Ugh I never know whats going on. I'm just going to in my mind act like we're not together. like wrap my mind around that. because unless we are physically in eachothers presence i cant really tell if he likes me. he's getting back to texting me. not as much but he usually texts me back. i just dont feel 100% comfortable to be myself ya know and it bothers me that we're at this stage again two months later i felt like he was more likely to text me back in the beginning. its so crazy when im with him hes got this dreamy look and he cant keep his hands off me and i FEEL how he feels when he kisses me BUT when we're apart its like hes fine. and i mean technically im fine too. im fine too. i guess...i mean i just want to be sure but i guess it might be a long time until that happens. i still think he's worth it. i mean even on our worst day id rather be with him than without. i just miss when we used to text ALL DAY. and he would say nice things to me and tell me he missed me. today i threw in the convo that i was off tomorrow and didnt have school friday JUST IN CASE he might invite me over but he didnt. all day i been saying im not gunna text him back but i keep forgetting. i get tired of waiting for him to text back and knowing that he might not. i mean....idk what i gotta do to get some collateral. i guess it has only been two months he's just slow. and non e of my relationships that have gone fast have ended well. i can be patient. idk. i know he likes me he was so good this weekend. and he did JUST see me. im just curious how long its going to be befpre he asks me over. im used to seeing him twice a week AW I SENT HIM A PIC OF ME WITH THOR AND HE SAID SO CUTE! lol thank you motherfucker damn. i just sent em a smiley face and now im REALLY not going to answer him til 2. i think the only thing i CAN do at this point is pretend to be really busy. i mean i can find stuff to do i can study, hang with dustyn or just watch tv. but im going to have to become the one thats hard to get a hold of. texting him back RARELY. and eventually hes gotta miss me. he has no common sense so i know i wont see him tomorrow or thursday which would be most convenient. i could also do saturday. i think ill even stop the pet names. i mean everyone values something they dont get very often. next semester i actually WILL be busy. but right now i mean i know for sure he'll be with me at the show. worst case scenario i could b busy til then. im not bringing it up im not saying i miss him. he has GOT to come to me and he can just work for it. i just gotta be myself, have my own shit going, and when we see eachother be confident and easygoing and look amazing and keep looking more amazing. i have to show him that i am the catch period and i think he knows that but i dont really think that he like..idk really realizes like that he needs to keep me and he hasnt had to work to do so. i mean if he wants a chase i can give him one. my guard is definitely up i feel actually better since he showed me i can live without him. i just dont want to but i can. but he is 100% positive he can live without me and would be fine without me. the only way hes nnot going to feel that way is if i give him something he doesnt already have. chris takes care of him financially and so does his mom as far as buying him stuff and he is given a lot of stuff. people clearly compliment him all the time hes fairly confident. idk if hes missing anything i cant see what he doesnt have. except publicity i can give him that but i mean.. trhat wont make you fall for someone. i guess i just have to be myself and see if being with me makes him happy...he wont want to be without me. i think i just need to be a positive thing in his life and when hes with me it has to be carefree and fun like it always is. its a thrill and clearly he does love a thrill. idk i cant make him need me if he doesnt but we will see what cutting it back to once a week does and when i leave i have to leave on time and not cling at ALL and not let him cling and never text him never call just not give him anything make him work for everything until he finally values me and starts to give me what i need. which is just...attention and affection and to be SURE. so ill test him. show him if he cares or not. cause i think he thinks he doesnt. i mean i value him so much ive never met anyone like him and i want to keep him in my life. he doesnt realize like hes never met anyone like me and his life would not be AS awesome without me. i think its kind of like with me and anthony like..i felt kind of interested and then i felt like he was too serious too soon and it pushed me away but i did come back because of the intial connection and also cause i had to see him all the time ya know? eventually his low self esteem is really what pushed me away and just generasl horribleness. so i have to keep high self esteem and if i want him to love me i have to love myself. which i do i just cant let it slip. he was there for me when i was weak and had low self esteem. i just want to get to a point where we can both let our walls down and trust eachother and COMMIT. cause i know all i want is him. i just want him to be OKAY with feeling the same. he makes me so happy. i have never in my life had somebody be there for me like him. yes i can see myself marrying him. and hed be an amazing baby daddy he is SO SWEET. i feel safe and protected and amazing when im with him. if i can give him the same blissful feeling and be that happiness in his life then we belong together and i will cherish him. just like i do now. and if time goes on and its not progressing and he doesnt feel it then i mean...itll kill me but i have to let em go i know what its loike when you try but you cant make yourself feel that passion and i dont want him to be trappedf like me. i mean it may seem a little odd. but..idk i pray im not just feeling this and its not there but i swear he feels it too i know he does. i just want to be sure for once right now like its always on the fence all i have is hope and memories but i remember when he used to tell me to my face i like you and i know that it means something that he came this weekend and everything he did for me he cares about me. he thinks about me and to make sure im not worried. i will NEVER forget how he treated me this weekend i want this person by my side for everything i only wish i could repay him but he doesnt need me. i remember when he told me the truth that his walls were up and would he ever let them down I HAVE THAT TEXT. i remember when he told me he liked me more every time we saw eachother. i remember. and im not going to pretend i dont and i know it didnt change. maybe he just got complacent. and i know ive always said when youre meant to be it just happens. this did kind of just happen.its taking some work...but omg hes so worth it. just looking at him makes me so happy. ill do whatever i freaking have to to keep him. even if it means i have to stop trying to control, stop being aggressive, stop everything and just let him do it i have to like...just...let it happen and its hard especially to keep in what i feel but its at a healthy place now. i know i can do it i feel like hes not going anywhere but now i know not to dump everythin g on him and suffocate him and im just trying to be better. since hes come around i thought he was the reason i fell into bad habits and was doing better before him. but now i see that i wouldnt be where i am i wouldnt have done the show i wouldnt be doing this show, had he not been there. hes made me better hes made me stronger without even realizing it. and i know i cant tell him now because hes going to freak out bhu8t one day i will definitely tell him and i hope it will make him feel good not trapped. i hope somehow i can be a positive effect on him as well and help him be better. he seems to have trouble having someone think highly of him even when he does wrong and to have someone really have his back like that besides chris but hipefully he'll let me be that person. hes such a good guy its ridiculous. idk. i dont want to9 get to into it. right now i just hate feeling like im not in control and it kind of sucks but i think this is the constructive way to produce the kind of relationship i want. technically we are in a relationship even though we dont act like it when we're not tiogether i think once he realizes he has the reigns he'll drive us closer. he doesn't quite see the change yet. my biggest thing is that i freaking love physically being with him and its hard to not do that and then obviously when we're not together i want to be caking like we used to but we dont now :( he used to like all my pics and all my statuses things were good i miss how they were he did so much i just hope we can get back there cause i just miss us being like a couple. but i mean the stuff that counts, he's on top of it. im happy we were able to work things out. he hasnt texted bacvk to my smiley but i thought it would be rude to not say anything when he gave me a compliment. but yea, idk, i gotta start having even MORE restraint. and really juust focusing on ME. what i want to do. spend time with myself doing things i enjoy that are important to me and putting my all into things that pay off. i definitely think obviously since were both into fitness the more serious i am about that the more he trusts me and its also attractive to him. i just want to go back to working on me. being stronger, having a better attitutde, not complaining so much or getting angry. just being a strong, confident, individual.