"transfer of emotion"...whatever. progress= giving up

It's a concept from Two Can Play That Game. I guess the idea is..when someone dumps you..theyre chillin because theyre the one that did the dumping. but if you can lure them in, by seeming to have nice intentions, you can start an argument and "transfer your emotion" to them so they're the ones that feel like shit instead of you. i will say, the only reason in the world i would ever want Corey to feel like shit is because 1)I feel like I deserve an apology but what I really want more than anything is for him to regret what he's done. That would give me peace at least. between the last couple days I have come to the conclusion that I actually lo9ve this fool which is HORRIBLE because i actually had myself fooled by this weekend thinking that he loved me! which is crazy. impossible. people who dont like you may not act how he did, but people who love you dont act how hes acting. i wanted to believe that he was scared that he was running away but..talking to him last night...his feelings are gone. hes not hiding anything. he doesnt want me. i mean...i may have transferred a little bit. i probably did make him feel like shit...but i dont know if he ever cared enough for one conversation to make him re-want to be with me. i mean...little by little im starting to not want him back. because im realizing i wasnt happy with him. in the past, before october, i was. but i cant defend him anymore. he created the distance. purposely. he screwed me BAD. the week before peak week when i needed him most and peak week was just horrible. and the truth is he was happier then. what sucks is that by the time thursday came around i believed that he didnt want me anymore. enough time had gone by that i was losing hope and giving up on him. then this mofo wants to come on the weekend WHEN I TOLD HIM HE DIDNT HAVE TO. thats what threw me off. last weekend. so at this point i know that if we lived closer things wouldnt be like this, i mean...from the list of ways to see if he loves you...he did SO MANY just this weekend! So i was way confused and still am because you absolutely do not act like that toward someone you dont want to be with. i didnt even hug him when he came to the door. he initiated everything. and everything was super romantic all the kisses all the hand holding kisses during sex even the sex felt better. i have to forget about this weekend if i want to get over him. the truth is i am okay. i can get back to a routine and find things to do. i just...idk. im starting to accept it. its just hard because things were great then they got bad and then right when i was giving up he swoops in and reignites the flame then puts it out again. he clearly doesnt know what he wants. as time goes on hes going to forget the bad things and im going to forget the good things that i been holding onto cause they were so old. i mean..everything is his fault. all of it. i meant to not contact him at all....but it was a full moon and it was saturday night and im so used to spending saturday nights with him. and i thought maybe hed invite me over :( fuck., but the way he talked to me..so politically correct...even said he wanted to be my friend. im beginning to think theres someone else. idk. but today im one step closer to losing hope. i gotta let this weekend go cause as much as it felt real and was amazing and i was happy and thought he was too....idk. my theory is it took him out of his routine and gave him anxiety but damn theres only one molre and thatll be the last for like 6 months. and he suggested it and wanted to drive me! im SO CONFUSED. i just wanted to be right this one time. for him to come forward and confirm that he felt the same but you know what i can feel it now....he doesnt miss me. hes chillin. this was just a fling for him. and a mistake for me. i have nothing to show for it. my motivation is a little better now that he pissed me off. but i mean last night was good because it brought me back to reality. it wasnt as serious for him he didnt value me and hes no0t losing sleep. last night made me mad too cause i dreampt of him. torture. i didnt cry today though and i had a good day at work thogh this is like my 3rd day in a row eating bad. probably fourth. ever since he broke up with me again. whatever that was this weekend definitely shouldnt have happened and he was wrong. but i dont believe that he wants to be with me. it hurts like hell but its out of my control. theres nothing i can do but go on with life and appear to be okay. and in a few weeks i will be, but id be doing myself a big favor if i accepted this and stopped giving him the benefit of the doubt. my doubts have always been right andd he has shown very little benefit. im mad at him and i just...i do love him thats why i know this is going to take a while but everyday gets better. tomorrow will be better and by the end of this week ill be happy again. i cant wait til i forget all about him. which will be easier since we wont see eachother and i know hes not gunna talk to me. he didnt respond to my going off last night im actually still proud o0f what i said because i spoke my mind and i spoke the truth and i told him i didnt need him as a friend that i have lots of friends and support and i just hope i made him feel like the scum of the earth and that he regrets it. but theres really i mean...i been reading these lists on how to get your bf back. according to the lists i shouldnt have texted him last night cause he expected me to but fuck it. i mean i could do what it says..dont talk to him..dont talk ABOUT him, though its so hard...cause every freaking thing reminds me of him. and i mean....i know he doesnt feel the same. he probably thought about me today if he wore his jersey that I GOT HIM. and his wallet will still be with him everyday. idk he just never valued us the way i did so these lists probably wont help me because the REASON we broke up is stupid and its not gunna change in three weeks. i mean ill do what i can, ill post pics everyday like im having the time of my life i'll do my photoshoot and workout and try to look my best, ill train for my show and post my progress....you know, dont talk to him or look sad ever or like i care and appear to be having the time of my life cause i know he still scrolls down his feed and will see my stuff. i always check to see if he'll like it like he used to. but...he never does. ever since i re added him on fb he hasnt liked anything hes just over me...and i need to do the same. :( its like a different person. what happened. one minute he was telling his mom about me and calling me babe. the next minute... hes just gone. and its like nothing ever happened. but i can adjust. ive done this a gazillion times but this is the first time there were no red flags to ignore....ive never gotten that close to anyone and had this happen,. i mean like i9ve said in previous entries...if this is what it takes for him to like truly value me...and he actually does come back and i actually get his heart it would be worth every tear shed. but i have a feeling this is going to be just another L. and it really is sad. because its unecessary. b ut hey, you cant helpp what you feel or dont feel. i have to let him go for good.