So its finally over

Because Im not fighting it. ill paraphrase what he said. oh by the way...IN A TEXT...IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WORKOUT...WITH A FRIEND.. basically he starts out by saying that he cant say this without hurting me and hes tried. but the last couple times hes tried to do this have failed because he has worded it wrong by saying that he couldnt make me happy but the truth is he isnt making himself happy because he is sacrificing himself so as not to hurt me? [really now?] anyway yea and that i didnt do anything wrong hes just "not wanting to go further with this" and he cant beat around the bush he has to be straight forward because then ill try to fix it and i cant. hes sorry he thinks the world of me but hes not where he wants to be yet and hes not content with himself and no matter what i say i cant make it better like i think i can. and he cant keep prolonging this because he can see it getting more serious and being a whole lot worse than it will be now. hes all "there's no one else i want you to know that" [ok cool because i have been actively entertaining the thought that he has been talking to brooke] and he cant ask me to understand because he doesnt know how or what hes feeling. he just knows its not right because im too awesome of a person to let him fuck me over like this,. "i need my space to focus on me and what i need to do" and he wants to support me etc but he knows its going to bring me closer to him and its been killing him to see me happy knowing hes going to have to destroy it at some time? he hopes i can forgive him but hes not trying to be selfish this time hes been selfish by hiding his feeling and hes sorry. and my response was " its fine. if its what you want i wont fight you on it. good luck with everything i hope all your dreams come true aand i know they will". im really good at being sweet about breakups. lol anyway so orf course he didn't respond. what would he say? we cant be friends. i dont want to be his friend. i feel like ...fuck this is stupid as shit. idk if he likes me or not cause his texts had so many holes but it really appears as if he just doesn't want me to he was pretending HARD this weekend. HARD. i mean. dub tee eff. why did you come i told you you didn't have to dumb ass. why. you fucking met my aunt. my pride and joy. my family. spent the weekend with me and my best friend then introduced me to your best friend and hung with me all day sunday. i mean...are you,...that nice of a person that you would go out of your way like that to make ME happy? drive over in the middle of the night. sleep with me. pull my face into a kiss when ive been stand offish all night and then have sex with me. take pics with me. walk around with me all day holding my hand arm around me kissing me. for like 15 HOURS. then sleep with me again buy me a pizza let me smoke your weed wakeup with me have sex with me twice eat breakfast with me. part ways then when i come to get my card and act like i wanna leave make me stay, pull me on your lap cuddling me in front of your friends. just.... ALL THAT for ME? and i mean im happy? we never talk we never hang out what are you sacrificing? this WHOLE situation is in his head. the whole thing. i do think me going off on him randomly changed things cause thats the only thing i can see being different like when he started to act different. things had peaked around the 25th he was wanting to spend MORE time with me. i mean. idk dude i told em if youre coming this weeken d you can come and leave it wont hurt my feelings and he wanted to come. if you ask me, idc what he says. if i were to listen to my heart which IM NOT CAUSE ITS TOO DANGEROUS AT THIS POINT ITS ALWAYS FUCKING WRONG he has feelings for me. strong ones. that hes fighting like hell. when hes around he i can fucking feel the shit. he didnt kiss me because it made him happy he did it because he wanted to. he held my hand cause he wanted to and hung out with me the whole time because he wanted to be with me he wants me around. i dont buy it. theres too many holes and i know what i saw and what i felt. i been the girl with the guy who doesnt like her as much as she likes him. SO MANY TIMES. this was not that. none of them ever went out of their way for me. not like him. i mean the way he kissed me the way it felt when we had sex it felt like he was falling. i mean there is sometimes like this...sadness in his eyes. but he also has this dreamy look. like....feelings like that dont just fade i was reading the text he told me he liked me more every time he saw me said i was wife material told me to be patient he planned on keeping me around,. thats why he said hed drive me to this next show. all the things we could do. i mean..he was down. IN MY OPINION its because for two seconds he actually listened to his heart. he thinks he has to choose and he doesnt idk why he cant see that you can have both. but im done pep talking him these things are common sense. i feel like he has very strong feelings for me but he feels like im a distraction and he needs to focus all his attention on obsessing over bodybuilding. do it then ya know. i mean in my mind..id be okay with just him. he can be the bodybuilder he can have all the goals i just want us. hes like trapped and unhappy i feel like i could set him free but this is probably just me daydreaming, in my mind i dont see him being happy with this decision. i mean....he thinks he is being smart but i dont think he can be pleased. i been there i did it with him when i broke up with him i got so used to him wanting to make it work i didnt realize how horrible it was going to be not talking to him at all and not being able to. it hurt really bad. so as much as i fear that he will be happy and feel so free i dont feel thats the case. cause im not going to say anything to him whatsoever and the longest weve gone without back and forth conversation is two0 days. never ever has neither one of us said anythying to the other. hes ignored me plenty of times and avoided me trying to make his decisions. like IM the plague IM the problem. like hed be so much better without me. but i send him text after text. i resist, i send him paragraphs good and bad just begging him,. pep talking him. this time nothing. twenty words. they were nice but there was no hope in them no if you decide to come back ill be here. no this isnt what i want BUT. no I WISH no nothing. i didnt resist what so ever. tld em what he wanted to hear and let it go. theres two options. well three. option A is that he read it and was relieved to see that i was just going along with it and now feels free to focus and all his problems are solved. i do not hear from him again, if he remembers only because of all my posts, he'll maybe say good luck right before the show. MAYBE. otherwise, we never speak. until sometime next year at a show or something. option B is that he feels relieved at first. feeling like he did the right thing and now he can focus. then he tries to focus and its not so easy. he ends up surprised at himself that he misses me after some days go by and we havent spoken at all he feels like he wants to talk to me. then something might happen from there. or he could want to talk to me but just fight it. and ill never know. option C is that he expectd long paragraphs and kinda felt relieved when he saw my short response and then also felt kind of stupid because im so sweet. then as days go on he cant focus, misses me like crazy, and while im over here thinking we're done and will never speak hes trying to figure out a way to get me back. option C being the least likely, i dont have a lot of faith in option A either, i can see option B in the version that he ends up regrettting it. but we never know if he;ll tell me or not. honeslty. i dont know. in my dreams clearly its option c. just to make myself feel better briefly ill entertain the thought that option C is a possibility and ill elaborate. IN MY VERSION OF THIS CLASSIC FAIRYTALE. he sees what i responded, is scared to read it, finally does and is very surprised. but still like..okay that was easy. now 9im finally free of this thing that has been causing me issues. ive got my awesome new bachelor pad, living with the bestie, work is going well, getting in my workouts, getting in my meals, feeling bigger. everythings going to be great now. day 2, checks his phone in the morning, nothing. everytime it buzzes that day he finds himself wondering if it might be me. never is. gets slightly disheartened but is still fine. great workout. bored at work. sees something funny, wants to tell me about it, cant. booooored who can i talk to? oop can talk to michelle. day goes by SLOW AND HORRIBLE. which it usually does but he thought hed be fine cause we havent been texting that much but NOT AT ALL and cant even if i want to..different story. feels kinda shitty but hey im fine ill go home and smoke. big nice apartment. watching tv feeling good off for the weekend i can do whatever i want. feeling good. go to sleep around 1 have heard ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from her. for the first time since we started talking. hmmmm. anyway go to sleep. wakeuop when i want get a good workout in, still nothing. scroll up and down facebook no updates since yday nothing interesting. weekend, see some people, do some stuff. cant help but wonder what shes doing. think ill text her and find out. what you doing. no response. end of day absolutely no response. fuck. shes pissed. what do i do. leave her alone. say im sorry. no just leave her alone. weekend passes, still wondering what shes doing. shes probabloy at work i know she has her phone hope shes okay. are you okay. updates facebook status. shes fine just doesnt want to talk to me at all. i wouldnt either. im a dumbass. anyway weekend passes. which is weird cause its officially been a full week since weve seen eachother. last weekend i was with her the whole time. memories. i miss her. oh well moving forward. maybe ill text her. i miss you. nothing. man i fucked up. this is bad. monday comes around. in a bad mood. havent seen her in a week this is my own fault. not really having awesome workouts cause idk what shes doing and she wont talk to me. all of a sudden all of this doesnt seem SO important. i mean being with her was more fun. just focus. this is your life. bored at work. still in bad mood. friends are starting to notice. i talk abo0ut her. friends say if i want her i better talk to her cause if shes that mad she might just cut me off. and theyre sick of seeing me mope. a day or so goes by. what do i say i cant function. we were on this couch together. she wore my hat. the texasns are playing this girl bought me a fuckiing jersey. i want to go to a game. but no0t without her. i bet sandras at the game. man shes three weeks out i wonder how her prep is going. awesome i broke up with her like four weeks out. nice going BROOKE. man i really am an asshole no wonder she wont talk to me. i wonder what shes doing. i want to talk to her. what do i say. all she wanted was for me to be happy. all she ever was was sweet to me and perfect what the fuck did i do. every girl looks ugly now. i dont even want to go to the gym or eat it all seems so stupid this is what i just threw her away for. whats the point now. she might be with someone else. fuck. okay let me try to word this. Michelle I am so sorry. I really don't even know what to say so I'm just going to be honest and tell you how I feel. it took days to write this. I know you don't want to talk to me and I understand that if I was you I wouldnt talk to me either. I don't know why you put up with me for as long as you did. Probably cause you're just a badass and sweet like that and I'm just an asshole. I really never meant to hurt you that was the last thing I wanted. I thought I was doing the right thing. i wanted to protect you and I just knew eventuallythings wouldnt work out and I thought it would be better to just end it now. but i was being stupid. i do miss you. i think about you all the time. i worry about you and what and how youre doing.i cant even focus on my workouts i cant even sleep. even chris noticed and he's getting sick of me. i guess i just have to live with my mistake because i know you wont want to talk to me. you did everything to try to make things better and i tore them apart and for that i truly am sorry michelle. the truth is you did make me happy. i thought you were a distraction but you werent. i was lucky to have you,. you made everything better. now i feel like shit for letting you go. everything you said was true we were good together and you did do a lot for me. the only thing you were ever wrong about was saying i deserve you because i dont. and i know that. i always did. i just want to be with you i miss you like crazy i think it took you actually saying okay and letting me be myself and :focused" to realize that wasnt what i wanted. you werent the problem i was and im not getting better without you. i do want this to be our life i do want you to be my girlfriend ill even chnge my facebook status i was stupid about that in the past. but you did everything in your power to be there for me and make me happy and i want to do the same for you if youll let me. i know you probably dont want me back now, but if theres any chance you do im so sorry and i take back everything i said. i was terribly wrong. and i would hit my knees and cry. cause i mean...hes worth more to me than any trophey in this world i dont want to do shit without him and if hed let himself feel what he feels...wed be so happy. but hes never said anything like that. hes tried over and over to do this and its never happened. it may be new and different but this bodybuilding shit really is important to him. i will be terribly surprised if i dont hear from him by the end of the weekend and by the end of next week ill have to just accept it really is over but i should be okay by then. tomorrow will be the first day ofus not talking at all. if this is what he wants he should be happy cause hes never had that before since we got close. but i will get completely out of his hair. i do think hes being stupid. and i think if he would stop being a puss and give in hed be in love with me by christmas but hey, shit in life doesnt work out sometimes no matter how bad you want it to. if someone doesnt want you, thats it. and if he really doesnt then he will feel better after this. and it could be option a. that as im thinking hes getting closer and closer to caving hes actually adjusting more and more to not having me to worry about an d starting to forget day by day. the only reminder he has is texts and that jersey. its not enough. he's got his nice place and he does love bodybuilding maybe hes just not that deep and will be satisfied. maybe he doesnt want company on his journey. and we;ll just be done.. thats the sad part. that he wont miss me. i mean i dont have it working in my favor all i have is last weekend at the show for him to remember because before that we'd been barely speaking for two weeks. hes probably getting used to being without me. and this might be his liberation, its sad. very sad, but theres nothing i can do honestly. i can think all i want in my head that the lights wont shine the same way that they used to and his apt will seem lonely and he'll be reminded of me at every turn and checking his phone every five seconds. but he probably will just be happy that hes free. and ill never know. i wont get my closure. unless he says, michelle i want to see you there is 99.9% CHANCE that i will not see him for like six months. so....i just gotta try to adjust. i mean. hes amazing. im not imagining it. and im not stupid for wanting to keep him. and i wasnt stupid isaw what isaw but people change their minds. in my heart i feel like hes scared of a good thing and is sabotaging right now and maybe if i give him space hell come back but i feel like hes had so much space and still doesnt feel like its enough. i mean...if he felt how i thought he did or how i feel like he does ... he wouldnt be doing this., he wouldnt make it through the night. by the end of the weekend i should hear from him. if i dont maybe it hasnt been enough time, just by the fact of how he acted this weekend i still have hope. stupid girl. i hope its killing hime right now but its probably not.this will have been 100% worth it if it makes him realize what he had. but if it doesnt then it wasnt meant to be. if it was, hell be back for sure. i feel like he'll be back it could be wishful thinking but im just not blind. i know what i felt and what i saw. all i know is that if he does text me, when, unless he pours his heart out i need to ignore him. he gave up his bf card which means im not available for his everybeck and call. fuck. i thought he might invite me over tonight! ive mad progress though. cause i gave up on that and didnt go back to it. and i didnt let myself believe hed come knocking on the door lmao this just sucks., stupid boy. really. stupid ass boy. this is stupid. he was happy and little by little he let thought destroy it. now you just deal with what youve done. we're through -__- and meanwhile i juust want to be alone. dont really want to talk to anyone. dont want to be around people more than i have to. though i dont have another bleeping off day til next wednesday, bleh., im going to enjoy the fact that now theres a guarentee that if i don't contact him, there will actually come a time when i DO NOT THINK ABOUT HIM which is awesoooome cause ive gotten sick of it. other good things: no more trying to plan a visit into my week or hoping that he'll take advantage of my free time. no more missing workouts because im too depressed. no more wondering if he likes me or not cause i already know its a no. no more skipping periods just to take bc so we can have sex. no more pregnancy scares. no more meathead conversations no more pretending im okay with his unhealthy preoccupation with it, no more drug dealer roommate, no more wasting gas, no more having to clean up or spruce up my apt. no more feeling unpretty. no more shaving!! no more waiting all night and him never coming. no more angry texts in the middle of the night. no more planning things i wouldnt do by myself. i can probably now get rid of this ongoing yeast infection and perpetual vaginal dryness. no more listening to him brag about his apt. no more pressure to compete or do things a certain way. no more being so obsessed and infatuated with him and knowing he doesnt feel the same way. no more holding back my feelings cause its unattractive to him. no more spending money on him. no more pretending to care about football. no one to impress. i can do whatever i want when i want and what i want is to be alone. i dont want to take pics and put em on instagram i dont ven want to get on instagram. i dont want to get on fb. no more pisting things just so he'll like it and then checking it and seeing that he didnt. for the next few days ill be checking my phone every five seconds as usual but at least now i know itll go away. thank the Lord. when we were good we were good but i mean he gave up weeks ago and i just been suffering taking what i could get and it wasnt fair then and its not fair now. i dont love him. i couldve. but i feel safer now knowng that i wont get to that point. no more cancellations hetting let down no more trying to impress no more. in time this is going to be just one more liberation. i cant even think of myself with anyone else right now but maybe one day. right now...i just wanna be okay and im not there yet. but i been unhappy for weeks and he was the cause. at least now i know for sure the pain will go away.