day 1 so far so good

well. wokeup with anxiety. had a really hard time getting up. eft so late I skipped my first class and missed my second by pretty much an hour. im in good spirits though. I mean I did cry a little bit while doing my makeup in the car today (did my makeup and hair so I could take a pretty selfie at school today among the crazy selection of backgrounds lol it turned out really really good) obviously everytime I hope he'll like it. hes pretty much stopped doing that. which sucks. but whatever. yea I know he'll see it though. at least he'll be constantly reminded that im gorgeous with an amazing personality through instagram and im sure when his mom catches on to all this she will give him shit. the people at the gym might even. the main reason im crying is cause I was so close and now we're back to square one. where we always end up and hes made it so that I can never be with him and not even that. its not like he messed up and is begging for my forgiveness right now, no that would be too kind. instead he messed up, didn't even like acknowledge it whatsoever no im sorry for the way ive been treating you no attempt to stop. complete silence. hes just letting me go completely. one thing that makes me feel good is that I let there be silence for two days and then instead of begging him to talk to me or trying to work it out I told the truth. and ended it. and normally within a few days I would reach out again. tell him how much he hurt me. or try to see if we could talk and work it out. ask if this was what he really wanted. this time im not. it doesn't matter. so the max ive gone is 4 days before doing that. this time it wont be 5. it will be 10. and on th 10th day im still not going to give him anything. im going to tell him what I need and ask him when I can come get it. and that's it. I mean...idk im thinking 2 full weeks without us speaking or seeing eachother which is hands down the absolute longest. weve gone two weeks without seeing eachother again and again but we never truly don't speak. I know ive lost my creidibility. he doesn't believe me I always say this. I hope he didn't block me on his phone. whatever he may have. he didn't block chris. so idk what the deal is. that situation is so unfair. if they had not stayed friends it probably would've been better. I like chris he is so nice to me but seriously I hate the influence he has on him. I hate this whole situation. why did I have to lose my boyfriend to freaking weed and ..narcissim. like why cant he just try to be a decent human being why doesn't he care I really really didn't want to believe there was no hope for him. it hurts me a lot that he never apologized or reached out. if I hadn't made him talk to me last week we probably wouldn't have even seen eachother this past weekend. I wanted to tell the story ya know of how we overcame and how he actually got better. HE DID. I SAW IT. AGAIN. but I guess that's the phase. im the phase. all this negative shit. this is who he is this is how hell stay and it sucks big donkey balls. I want that person back so bad. I looked back at the texts today omg we were so happy. all the convos were so damn positive we were always laughing and flirting and wanting to be together. 2 freaking weeks ago. now we don't even speak. this is not what I want. I know its the right thing so im going to do it. but I hate it. with a passion. I want to talk to him. I have to turn my phone off everyday just so I don't check it every five seconds and mostly so I do not text him cause it is so hard. I want to talk to him. I don't want this. I don't want 2 more weeks of silence. even then hes gunna have to get the stuff. like I wont talk to him til NEXT Friday and it could take him a week to get what I need so I might not see him til the second week of april. or what if kim doesn't prescribe me anything yet. I don't want this. im doing what I have to but I hate it and im so scared its going to be permanent. I would say it never it but that's because of me. he has never come back to me ever ever ever. I want to see him tonight ya know? like im over my anger I remember how he was I miss that person I miss when he gave a shit and it breaks my heart that he doesn't anymore. im okay. I get it. I see the light. and ill be fine but now that my heart has caught on its fighting this. its fighting me. and im beginning to hate the damn thing. I think about him all the time im constantly writing these memos. and like..i mean its been 4 days already since weve spoken. yday I said ALL THAT and he said nothing! nothing mean nothing nice, just nothing, I mean it cuts like a knife. and now I have to do the same thing which im sure has more power than I think but in the mean time it hurts me too. he runs from his problems. he runs from me. and insodoing he gets to not think about it, no worry about it, act like its not happening. me, it haunts. I think about it everyday I know hes off today. bet he just got done working out. probably eating and showering. he might posed today idk. he'll be off today and Friday just like me but i'll have to act like idk. it wouldn't matter. its not like oh give me what I had I should've appreciated it. no. I do not. it was bad. never texting me. having an attitude when he did. being a dick to me in person. no hug whether im coming or going. no cuddling at night. not walking me to the car. not wanting to spend any time with me spending the ENTIRE TIME selling weed. and running fucking errands. constantly. CONSTANTLY. he didn't even look at me the whole time. all he did was look in the mirror and count his damn money. its like heres your prince oh wait nevermind heres an ugly beast. I mean. idk. I don't know if he even read what I said. if he did how can he not think about it how can it not get to him? really? how can he live with himself its so horrible. I miss cuddling and snuggling and any kind of affection or sweetness whatsoever. I miss him focusing on ME. and hell no I don't feel bad I spent half a year of my life focusing on that boy. I wanted us to focus on eachother sometimes. at leats once a week that's all I wanted. I want him to sotp fucking selling weed. SO BAD. I want when I go over there for him to just leave his damn phone alone. tell people hes busy and he can see them ANY OTHER FUCKING TIME. itwould be fine if he just didn't answer. I miss the quality time. I hated being alone in his fucking presence its like I was invisible. and im over that. I wish he would call me. and just..say he was sorry. and that he misses me and hes going to stop selling weed. and spend more time with me. and that were going to be okay gah would it ever kill him to tell me things will be okay. instead my phone is off and if I turn it back on there will be nothing from him. I miss him. I wont say it but I do. terribly. I just want to go over there walk in the door and us both hug like...im tired of letting him go. but I guess if I do it for good now I wont ever have to again. I just don't wan tthis. I was so good. so true. I had my insecurities but that's houldnt be the end of a relationship he mustve just never wanted me. cuts like a knife. like A KNIFE I say. I want to believe he thinks about me. that he misses me and has been slightly sad these past couple days but I know he hasn't he would tlak to me if he was. hes avoidingme cause he thinks im annoying and is sick of me nagging so instead of changing he just cuts me off. I hate who hes become and im mad that he has hidden my prince from me I deserve that person. we could work through anything and figure out a way to make it freaking work. :( God help me. this is just. not what I expected and its not what I want and as many times as ive done it it still sucks. I still love him. I still believe and I feel like its going to be a long two days. please help me in Jesus name amen.