spring break wasnt what i thought it would be

And he cant love me til I do. Im getting better. this week wasn't like what I thought it would be at all but im glad I got to spendtime with him. and im glad its going to be at least a week before I get to see him again. idk. his life is an onstacle. but we talked about it. I told him I hate his life how hes always running around how people are always coming over and how I wish he could just be legit. I mean also everyone fawning over him all the fucking time gets old as hell too. thomas' obsession with him is annoying its like I have to share. I mean hes not a pro yet but hes just all his time is spent running around doing different things to like..idk....make a big deal of himself. im jealous. I cant help it. I bust my ass like and I have forever. I should've been busting my ass in the gym though. I see now I have to dip off for a bit honestly and just focus on getting lean and in amazing shape because as always popularity is not my thing. im not smoothe im not a badass im not just going to fit in. im going to have to go above and beyond and win and be freaking amazing. better than everyone. its just hard cause hes already there. hes already so well known and he fitns in everywhere and looks so good and hes never shy never afraid. I hate it honestly and I shouldn't. I don't wan tto be like garrison I want to be happy for him but im jealous of him I really am and I feel so bad but everything is just handed to this kid. I know ill never be as big of a deal in THAT way because im not a guy and bodybuulding is a mans sport. im trying to take this as a positive thing. as a challenge. and just use it to motivate me. im so intimidated by everyone and everything. his ex. this cute little girl at freaking iron city. every girl he looks at. I guess cause im not happy with myself. now that I want long hair again that's a problem. I want extensions. but I cant afford them unless I make 20 people for this challenge and right now I only have one. I think im about to start my period. I hope so. because I am just extremely insecure. I need to just spend time by myself I wish I made more so I didn't have to worry about the damn challenges. I keep praying. ive paid for facebook ads. im working on getting an assistant. but like its cutting it SO CLOSE. and I just feel like the people who have done the challenge aren't helping me. but I don't want to give up. im going to keep going. but im not going to lie right now my self esteem is low cause im comparing myself to every girl I see. my body is alright but its not enough. me and corey are done with cheat days though. so far I haven't cheated. its been....um..tomorrow will be a week. I see a difference. I just have to be more consistent with my cardio and I know ill see bigger differences all the time. it just sucks cause right now im libing in the shadows of him. and ill be happy when this weekend is over this is the last show in Houston maybe hell go to the Europa but that's in may. im hoping hell just stay his ass here and lay low for a while. I want to do a photoshoot maybe in early june. to scare people. that's when I would get my extensions if I did cause I need that much time to grow my hair out a little more. he texted me. hes going to the show at 4. I don't want to talk to him the rest of the day really. like he can enjoy his day. go be fawned over by everyone. looking perfect and feeling awesome and fitting in 100% everywhere he goes. hanging out with phil heath and honnie rambod im so glad I didn't go. dating him is honestly no fun when it comes to that and idk if I can hang to be honest. but its like now that I know him I will always have anxiety. yea its back. and its because I just...I hate that ive half assed all this time and im not where I want to be and I have time but hes already there so everyday is just a reminder. hes everything im not. and I hate feeling like this. maybe its just a low maybe I need a couple days. it would make sense to not be with someone who makes me feel like this but I wont be here forever. idk. I hate it. being over there we were constantly surrounded by people. I never got to sleep in or just chill really. I was aleways really tired and having to put on a face. surrounded by strangers. this is my first day of spring break where im going to get to relax and I woke up at like 12 so its already flying by and im just like...I want to crawl into a hole. I wish I didn't need the money from the challenge honestly so I could just get off freaking facebook. cause I feel like everyones staring at me and no one is honestly. im still invisible still a nobody and my body still looks just slightly above average. I feel just....second class. I don't want to hear about this show im sick of pretending to be happy for him. when in reality I feel like dog shit. hes always looking at himself admiring. he doesn't even look at me. and I feel like I need all this attention. him just being him just naturaly makes me see all my flaws and they seem huge. here I am getting into a depression. now my eyes are tearing up. while hes having this big exciting day. this week was so different from last week. nothing like I thought it would be and I feel so defeated right now im going to have to stop my challenge. I have 2 more people to interview but I think ill cry and pray first. this is so stupid. he probably never feels insecure a day in his life. I don't thin k I can be with someone this popular and it makes me not want to compete.