REALLY CANT BELIEVE IM BACK HERE

So last night I sent em about three text messages saying how I felt. basically like..yea jut everything. and I expected him to text me this morning but he didn't. I had to like really plead for him to text me and he did around 330. like saying that me saying he didn't make me feel special really stood out to him and he feels like he cant truly from the heart. and that im gunna always be runnin shit and hed just be wasting my time. and of course I started like don't be like that etc...but then I reread and realized it sounded like hes saying he doesn't like me that much. and im sick of that. like I cant just go with it again you did this. you introduced me to your mom. he didn't have to do that. I don't have to go down the list anymore of all the signs that he likes me. I do need to like get the word love out of there. and just realize I said the same thing to athony. like ive "loved" many people. I cant love him if he doesn't love me. not truly. if I truly loved him I wouldn't be as jealous as I am of him. I just...I look up to him I put him on a pedestal hes like the popular boy I never got that I still feel like im not good enough for. I feel like im back in highschool and I don't want to. I really have to get my thoughts right. but anyway so I mean I just told him he was taking too long (as I was in the car driving around for like an hour crying trying to pull myself together for work) like...I told him were not breaking up right now. cause hes retarded and im retarded and when we put our two stupid heads together we do dumb shit. so were going to take a break. and not speak at all for the whole week. and then like at the end of the week if he misses me and thinks this is stupid he can text me and I will come over Thursday or Friday night cause im off Friday. and if he feels better and like a weight has been lifted then we can break up and just be cordial but thas it. idk I guess im buying myself time. im not going to go over these past two weeks and how IT KINDA SEEMED LIKE YA LIKED ME THEN. I started thinking too much and I became unconscious and it ruined things. I cannot keep doing this. like finding a way to be unhappy even when I get what I want. theres lots of ways I could pick it apart. but I mean like I told him he does make me feel special. I just..feel shitty about myself and my body right now and he doesn't help talking about other girls. but he really like I wanted him to say anything to reassure me but he didn't. like idk. I don't want to feel this strongly for him anymore because I feel more for him than I do for myself. I don't want to beg him to stay with me. I don't want to like... get mad when he looks at anyone or be jealous all the freaking time. I don't want to be that insecure I want to be happy with myself so I can be happy with him. basically I have a week now to pull my crap together and like build myself back up. try my best not to think about him and just readjust and realize im my own person without him and he is not the center of my life and his opinion of me is not the end all be all and his world is not my world and it doesn't have to be right now. idk. I just want to enjoy my freaking life im tired of being so stressed and miserable all the time. im o depressed I wont get up to do cardio. and I am not motivated to workout anymore. I gotta get my crap together. back in the day my confidence was so much higher and my body was way worse the only difference was my skin was pretty and I had long hair. but like ive had short hair before a long time ago before it got long and I wasn't constantly stressing over it. like...its just ridiculous. I just want to stop this madness. my mind is ruining my life I want to free myself from it once and for all and just be okay. im sick of being heart broken or stressed or sick or the victim all the time. I want to transcend this negative state of mind. and enjoy life and be aware and awake for all of it. theres such a huge difference between the week after my bday and spring break mentally. I need to relax. and realize like heaven forbid I say it but if Corey doesn't want me IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. there is so much...so many people...so many things I can do and WANT TO DO. I want to be free. and experience new things and go new places. I have no IDEA what God has planned for me but I know its big and exciting. and I am free no matter what. my bills are paid. I can compete whenever I will be tight but I can compete this year and do what I wanna do. I went last week without cheating I really didn't eat anything but nuts that wasn't on my plan so everyday im one step closer to an amazing body, in a few weeks ill be working with my dream trainer. putting the down payment on my suit. ill be graduating this summer. like okay so I cant afford 1000 extensions. a few weeks ago I liked my short hair. I flipped the switch like over night and my confidence has steadily gone down since. I have to just accept where I am. and know that where im going is going to be awesome but theres no rush! I like my apartment. I like living with my cats. I am okay with coming home and watching a movie. I don't mind not going out or not being seen and I like my gym where theres more people and it doesn't feel like im going to a new school. my job is pretty cool too and im almost done with school. like...I like my life just how it is and if it stays this way for a while ill be fine. I just wan tto compete because I want to take my body to the next level and gain credibility and also get my pro card so adding to that. Its just a goal ive had that im ready to finally pursue. and with or without him ill be doing that im hiring professionals to help me. im sure I can stil get my drugs from him when I need it. like I haven't been home very much I think yea once a week is good for now and we can up it to more once weve been together longer even if we stay together. but hes right in a relationship it is two ways and hes got to decide if he wants to be with me or not. I didn't describe here in depth the good parts of spring break. but I mean....when I was upset I talked to him about it and he came and like fixed it and he wanted me there. and like he cancelled his plans with Thomas to be with me. so I mean....how could I not feel special? I just don't want to hear him always talking about other girls. and honestly yea he is kind of full of himself. and no I don't like it. I mean....I like how he treats me I just wish I meant more to him than this but hell if I don't like.....I was so happy with him but when it starts to get back to the point I don't feel valued and im having this anxiety all the time its time to call it quits. I don't want to do this without him. I love talking to him and having him with me but I don't want to feel left out or like hes better than me. idk. idk what to do. im still really depressed I just need God to help me I will keep praying. one of the biggest stressors on my back right now is the challenge. I really really eally want to cancel it and deactivate my fb. because I need a break from worrying about what ppl think and always posting and trying to keep up this freaking façade when in reality im not where I want to be and I don't want to be scene. gah I just wish this all didn't happen. I wish my mind didn't randomly turn against me and that it didn't have this power over me. I literally like I just want to go to sleep. that's just what I want to do I don't want to be awake. its leg day I don't want to do it. I didn't workout yday or Friday. like im burnt out momentarily. im so tired. and im sad as hell. I wish things hadn't gone like this. I wanted to go to that show with him. like...idk. I just feel super shitty and im sick of it I want it to go away and stay away I want to be  happy person. and not so painfully insecure. I need just some soul searching me time. to stay away from everyone. if he wants to be in my life ill let him but I mean. I don't want to feel like im nothing to him. I hope this week he thinks about it and does some soul searching himself and that when he looks inside himself he finds me there. or a place for me. if not like...I gotta let it go. it may hurt me but im ready to let go of pain. if I have to feel this pain to like be free of pain later down the road then oky, ill admit it I don't freaking know like what is meant to be. I don't know what im supposed to do. I kinda feel like im meant to be freaking alone and im kind of ok with that. I want to disappear and reemerge later. nd right now I feel like that's fine for me to do. im waiting on Sandra to tell me what I should do. I hate quitting but this is a pain. I need to focus on building right now. maybe I can bring the challenge back later like..after I win a show. and have my degree. maybe even after I go pro. idk. this is going to be so hard without that extra money. maybe the wraps can help me get that extra or maybe I can get like little gigs here and there or sell my butt workout who knows. im lost. God help me. Im too depressed to do like anything right now. I just feel super negative aboiut everything. I feel like everyone hates me. or is judging me when in reality these people probably never ever think about me. I feel like...things with me and corey just randomly fell apart. and that just sucks. but I do know that all of this is happening or feels like its happening because of my mental state right now. and I have to relax and nurture myself and partake in things that better me and make me happy and bring my soul peace so I can pull out of this darkness. I hope that me and him aren't over but we might be. im hoping this week. I mean im trying something new with the break thing. I hope that he does miss me and will say hey do you want to come over and I can present a happy onfident me. and that all ym relationships and everything in my life will here forth be more positive because of it.