I told him I didnt want to go back to this

And I was serious. Last night I went to bed furiously crying. soooo mad. he made me so fucking mad. like ever since I told him how I felt..i thought we were gunna break up yday and I gave him the choice and he said let it go cause he was just being retarded. and like then It was somewhat normal. but he hasn't been flirting with me or anything like he normally does. I legitimately feel like hes so in love with himself he doest even notice me anymore and its making me feel super shitty. still like he had a shitty morning and I was there for him. but he hasn't said one nice thing to me in days and when I woke up I was so ready to just let this go. I wasn't going to talk to him for a couple days and give him a taste of his own medicine. im attempting to talk to him about it one last time now in case im wrong and hes not completely over me but that's what it feels like. like he just doesn't care about me at all. I mean he talks about himself. like...I just feel shitty and I have since I left last Thursday. I think spending all that time together was bad for us but it shouldn't be this bad. it feels like things are basically back to how they were. and I don't want it. like I have no positive feelings associated with him anymore. in just a week things have gone to shit. I used to know he would text me back and not trip. I knew he wanted to talk to me. today he didn't even text me I had to text him. like im screaming for attention here. I just told him like im glad he had fun at the show and like that he got all that positive attention and motivation and that hes focused I guess but I said can you not forget about the person that has been with you through everything and WILL be with you whether its off season or in season. and I said thanks in caps. like im not happy. and im sick of it. I don't want like one week of happiness then him just go bak to the old him. maybe that's the real him idk but I don't want to be with this person. he didn't reassure me at all so I still have all that crap in my head. I want to have a onversation and talk about it so I can get past it. now im waiting. I think we will probably break up today. I hate to say it but it doesn't even feel like were together im not getting any benefit from this at this point. it was him that brought me into his home and his life with his mom like..idk why at this point because hes acting like I don't matter to him at all. I think he is most likely just going to end it and I think I will just not say anything. cause what is there to say I don't want to fight for him anymore I don't want to like be...nothing. I just...if im not good enough for him hes retarded I have a future and my own goals. I paid kim today. ill be starting my program in 2 weeks. and all ill need from him is drugs I have a professional to help me with everything like I don't need him. if all I have is me and my cats im fine. I like my life how it is. his life is a clusterfuck and it gives me axiety and I don't want to deal with it if hes not going to make it worth it. hes being an asshole and im ready to go. I feel like hes just been holding back from saying something smartass and mean and im just like whatever. say it. hurry up. I have tonight to cry and be upset. and then i'll start working on being okay tomorrow. im sick of this crap. everyones texting me but him. I was there for him and his bad morning I wish he would just wakeup and realize hes been being an asshole and stip. but I realize its much more likely that instead he will choose to let me go and honestly im fine with that cause this is not enough. I liked how we were. close. reliable. TOGETHER. idk wtf this is. but I feel like im single. like... we can be cordial. but I don't want to be in another shitty relationship where im not being treated fairly or valued and I will not because ive fought my way out of two this year im not getting back into another. just do it already. I don't want to refer to the past and go down the list of all the signs that he does care I shouldn't have to do that.  don't want to anymore I do not care. I don't want the shoulda couldas im looking at what is happening right now and its bullshit and im unhappy and im sick of being unhappy. he was off today. didn't even give a shit. when I felt crappy about myself AS USUAL I had to pull myself out of the damn hole and just pray he is not help. he is nowhere aroud when its not all sunshine and roses and that's not what I need at all. I don't need him. so im just waiting for him to end it. and im ready to close this chapter and move forward.