This is ending..and I'm okay with it

So I basically just left the house cause he was taking too long and I just called him and told him I was coming. he said he was going to tell me to come over but im pretty sure he lied. got there at the same time as me and wasn't that welcoming. I cleaned his room for him and he got nicer. seemed like he wanted to just jump to the physical stuf but I made him talk to me. then chris came over but I made him finish the convo. he said he didn't know why he was being like that he couldn't remember? and that he was sorry for being a dick and promised not to do that again. that if he had a problem hed just say something. I left the next day pissed off so he called me. apologized for being inconsiderate and said he did want me to come back. I did. we went to the gym. took it upon myself to introduce myselfto everyone and make friends. so that was just me overthinking cause the ppl in his life are super nice. but anyway yea had a great time couldn't wait to go back. then the rest of the day was running errands. I mean. idk I ended up leaving at the end of the night cause we went to the store aand he wouldn't buy his mom sleeping meds so I couldn't sleep and he had to wake up early for work which I didn't know. he didn't walk me to the car. I cried furiously all the way home cause I frealized he just didn't give a shit about me and I was screwed whether I stayed or went. as far as the relationship goes. hes a bad person. isn't going to change I can tell by how he treats his mom hes not gunna be a good man. and hes gotten so arrogant all he does is stare at himself all day and like talk shit and just be cocky and ugly. the better he looks physically the less inwardly attractive he gets. I cant even at this point remember why iw as so obsessed or what I saw in him which is probably a great thing. but yea so I mean I decided whatever he said I was going to ignore him. so he texted me morning and I ignored him. an hour and a half later hes like hello and I said hey and he was like whats wrong with you and I was like wow really youre rude and he said I was rude and was being weird and then I said you texted me when you knew I would be asleep and now an hour and a half later youre texting me when I just walked into work whos being rude and weird and hes like lol sorry my bad have a nice day? and I sent him question marks and he sent me the angry face and I just told him like damn can we just not like its early can we be nice to eachother and blah blah and then I was like and angry face right back at you. and I told him he could really stand to treat the women in his life better. and I knew he wouldn't reply. and he didn't. that was yday at like 1130. it is now 1030 pm the next day. and I have no apology. no hope you have a good day. no nothing. like...it turns out he Is a frog. once again hes going down the wrong road. becoming a really really ugly person. and I mean my confidence has gone up I had to get my shit together because he wasn't giving me any help. so now I know im awesome I know im worth it and I know like I cant be replaced. but he can. and its all good honestly becaue like I said he is very ugly to me now. who wants to be with someone like that. today Bradley martyn liked one of my pics and it just made me realize there are so much beter dudes out there theyre just not here now. one day ill have maybe a new scene and new prospects. but like this isn't working. really. and I haven't cried since the night I left. because what I there to miss. I cant think of one positive thing to say about this kid right now. he finally succeeded in making me see who he really is. he is an asshole. I was wrong but hey my intentions were sincere. I have seen good. but it is gone now. hes thrown it away he likes being this snot nosed brat and that's fine but I want nothing to do with it. like all he does is suck the life out of me I hate his attitude. yes like I do have SOME interest idk like if he were to come after me sincerely. but I don't believe he actually gives a shit I cant believe anymore that he could love anyone but himself it would have to be someone who cared less about him. cause he shits on people who love him so im screwed in that aspect. but I feel no love right now. im disguted with his behavior idc how he looks I liked him when he was fat. I never cared. it was his personality. his sweetness that I loved. now he is absolutely hideous. and I don't want it. so we haven't spoken. and I don't plan on speaking to him. I mean he acts like he doesn't give a shit whether I stay or go so im not wasting my energy trying to make this work. im not wasting gas going over there which will only happen now if I initiate. and im not. cause I deserve better tan this bullshit and I am happier without him. I wanted to make it work. but its impossible. I feel no connection no bond not drawn to him at all because his soul is blackening and its repulsive. I never thought he could do anything to make me think less of him but he has. I have nothing positive to say anout him whatsoever I don't even remember the positive I have to try and itshard to picture us ever beng together. I mean I guess technically we are. but I guess its going to just end like me and Anthony where we just randomly stop talking. and I know his mom is going to ask him about me. and hes going to catch shit for fucking it up. and people at the gym will probably ask him about me. he may not catch shit but I wont be so easily forgotten. I plan on ignoring him even if he does talk to me. I mean I wonder if he has thought about me or thought about texting me. or if he even knows he fucked up or how. most likely he just doesn't care which is crazy. cause just 10 days ago he did. just a week ago. he did. I tried to break up with him and he didn't want it. but now hes just over it and its fine because like I said. hes UGLY inside. truly. bleh. but yea I mean I left my phone in my car for like 8 hours today and didn't have anything when I got in it. nothing from him. hes an ass. maybe he thinks I will eventually text him but I know I wont. at all. not even a chance. im not feeding that ego. that monster. not one bit. I wont even compliment him now I wont make him feel good AT ALL. groooossssssssssss. seriously I HATE THAT HE HAS BECOME THIS. I prayed and prayed and encouraged and tried and I have had no good effect on this kid hes a lost damn cause. some other bitch may be able to change him but it aint me. I don't even care to try anymore. hes a monster. seriously. I mean without him I have close to no stress. and just I feel so damn good about myself now. I hate how he treats me how he talks to me how he talks to everyone I hate his morals and his behavior I hate the road hes going down and I prayed for God to keep him off it but this just must be his destiny. I cant do it. drug dealing. just general soul slacking. I cant. man I don't want to study or cook or wash clothes or stay up as late as I planned to. but I guess I will. boo. don't be lazy. anyway good news is I reached my goal of 12% bodyfat. so I had taco cabana. everything else normal. then yday I ate like bad for every meal. today I paid for it. dabbled a little but my appetite has expanded but im ready to get back on my strict clean eating im used to it now and I want to get even leaner. but yea so basically my plan riht now is to walk and just keep walking further everyday. if he comes after me I mean ill listen to my gut. idk if I will turn him away. I do plan on ignoring him for at least a week cause I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. im not caving. so we just may not speak until I need drugs. then ill get my stuff. ill miss his mom and the gym but I wont miss him. hes changed. and I don't want this person. apparently this was who he always really was. I felt it happening last week. but anyway yea SO. my original plan was that even if we do talk we cant see eachother until april 4th. that's 2 weeks since 1 week doesn't seem to be enough. I know ive made myself too available and too easy. theres really no going back from that I cant undo it he doesn't respect me or value me. all I can do is leave. and I don't have the heart to say it again so I wont say anything. he can end it or it can just be assumed. I figured he would text me this morning or at some point today. guess not. that really shows even more his poor character but its all good. I had a very good day. and a good workout. did interval training. excited for the future feeling very positive and stress free and focused and I don't want to ruin it with him. I don't plan on texting him until I need my drugs. I do wish he would apologize sincerely. and yea I would prefer to work it out. but I cant change who he is or that I don't like it. I knew he wouldn't be able to partake in this lifestyle without it dragging him down with it. but I cant say or do anything to change it. I really don't want him to go to freaking jail. but anyway. idk. maybe that would help him. maybe it would change him but hes been to jail in the past. hes not scared of it. at this point...idk it keeps coming back to like the same thing. worse and worse things I feel are going to have to happen to him for him to like learn. I want him to stop selling weed. he doesn't have to he can just save up I mean he lives with his mom for Christs sake. it may take longer but I would so love for him to be legit. its going to be so hard for him to quit this. its just...really making him so ugly though he cant resist. hes supposed to cut people off and stop smoking in april but like...I don't even believe it. I mean. I want good for him. I still care abou him deeply. but damn the kid is a freaking hazard. hes BAD FOR ME. hes mean to me now. gives me attitude and disrespect he doesn't say anything nice to me ever all he cares about in this world is himself. hes selfish and greedy and honestly narcissistic at this point. its horrible : / I wish he would stop dealing. and just.....wake up and WANT to also be a good person. I wish he would wakeup one day and dislike what he saw. I wish he could see how ugly he is. like..idk if he can succeed and be a good person. I honestly don't think he can. I want him to just have a good safe life but hes just in the damn hole. I don't want him to get hurt. it would be horrible if he couldn't compete this year. but asfar as just...saving his soul I feel like its the only way. but I hate that bad things have to happen to change us. I hate that we have to get hurt to save us. I hate it. I wish he could do better without that but he cant. and he may just keep on this road and be fine. and that means that he will get worse and worse and just be an asshole which is so sad because he WAS humble. and sweet. and caring. and a good person. but now, hes dark. and devious. and poisionous. so I have to stay away and I cant express how stress free and positive my life is without him. I don't wish him ill :( I just wish...idk. God himself would have to intervene to save him now. but what happened last time I thought it would humble him but it didn't. getting back friends wit chris was bad for him cause now he is worse. if he doesn't stop dealing and stop smoking and focus on being a better human being we can never ever be together. and as of now that is my verdict. im going to avoid him like the plague. I do want to talk to him now that im not as mad. but not this version of him. this is so ugly. but hey, im done worrying for him. I'll say one last prayer. God if you can save him and stop him from becoming this person, even if it means he cant compete this year, then I think it would be worth it. he has so much potential to be a good person and to not be this ugly. If its in your will can you please intervene. and save him from himself. hes just going down the complete wrong road. and becoming uglier and uglier everyday and I mean I know hes not the guy for me. and we will probably never get to  be together. but if you will please just believe me when I say this is not all there is to him. he can be more. he can be a good person. hes just LOST and SO MISLED. and super...arrogant and going down an evil evil path. if you don't have a better plan for him and hes going to be just another a hole bodybuilder using everyone and everything and being greedy and horrible then okay. but my heart and my intentions are true. I know this isn't how you want him to be. and I believe you can save people from themselves and make them better even if it causes them pain at the time its worth it cause you can be proud of who you are down the road and to have a relationship with you that is strong and good is always worth it. if you can, please save him. please don't make it so he cant walk or do anything. I don't want him to get hurt God I just want you to...intervene do SOMETHING before he permanently turns into the monster he has become. if you can. if you will. In Jesus Name amen.
it drives me nuts to look at my phone and see nothing. ive given up on him though. I care not to be a part of this life.
I personally am excited because im getting closer and closer to working with KIm. closer to my dreams coming true :) and im seeing awesome results and I am proud of who I have become. for the first time ever im alone and happy and not lonely and I just am thankful that I am where I am. Thank you God. you did save ME from him so that's all I can ask for. ive prayed for him sp much. there seems to be no hoope he just attracts to that life. maybe some people aren't meant to be saved. and I know me and him were just never meant to be so its not even worth worrying about.