I choose Peace

We didn't talk today. I was hoping id say that, hed say some mean shit. and then id cry and be furious and struggle. fall asleep and wakeup determined and able to set forth on the path to recovery. instead, nothing. I got to sleep at a decent time. like 1130 probably. tossed and turned a bit but not too bad. I think I did the majority of my crying the night before. but yea..soooo this morning he texts me at 10am? saying " I hope you have a good day today" THE FUCK IS THAT. I mean did he do that to infuriate me. did he sincerely hope I had a good day. I wasn't going to text him but I did at the end of the day saying I had a great day today thanks. but yea. I mean..im just happy with where I am mentally as compared to in the past. now I guess I can officially say we broke up on march 18th. 4 days after our... um..like yea 6 month anniversary from when we started dating the first time. its like an identical situation honestly. he starts avoiding me randomly. then like just doesn't talk to me until I break up with him.i guess we haven't come as far as I thought we had. to be back at legit square one. but I am SO PROUD. because like I think people around me who have watched me can say that they literally witnessed me get so much sstronger in 6 months. from being dysfunctional. crying several times throughout the day in the bathroom at work. like..being antisocial. getting complaints. making angry instagram and fb posts. telling everyone. to literally not just not telling anyone but them not even being able to tell! to going to work, to school, not losing my motivation to workout. self esteem not suffering whatsoever in fact getting better. like never 6 months ago could I say I ever had peace. but now, like I am sad don't get me wrong. this isn't what I wanted at all. I think about him. and I do miss him. but im not like resisting it. I have peace. and I value that over all now. and I think that's worth this whole journey for me to seriously see whats important. and realize im happy with my life just how it is and I value peace and stability. I do still check for the block symbol but today I left my phone off and in my bag until close. only checking it sometimes every few hours when I went to the bathroom. and like I wasn't dying I think ill continue to do that. deactivating my f was like a really huge weight lifted and like detaching from my phone a bit helps too just to show me like what my life is really like. what is HERE RIGHT NOW is not bad at all. its me acting like im somewhere else. in a scary jungle or something and my stress goes through the roof. I have grown just in this week because of this situation and ive learned. im not necessarily happy. it hurts a little. but I mean I really do feel like..a peace. I have no anxiety. im chillin. I did think he would text me more than that today. maybe it really is over. I mean at the end of the day if things end right now neither of us will suffer a huge loss. I definitely wont. as the weeks go by im going to get better and better and then start executing my plan of becoming an instalebrity lol and like blow him out of the water. everyday I get physically and mentally better. and just ill be focused on my life and so at peace that the past will leave my mind and hell be a memory I rarely refer to. and he..he can live off hype. which is retarded but whatever he can keep surfing this imaginary wave feeling likes hes a somebody when in the grand scheme of things outside of cypress hes really not. and if we went to the Olympia or the Arnold I would have more people to talk to who actually knew me but its whatever. its not about that. I don't care about any of that. right now like..i feel good. I had a good day. I laughed. genuinely. I just..im excited to work with kim. this is my time. and im not letting him ruin it. he did the right thing letting me go because I deserve beter and right now im going to focus on me but one day his trash will be another mans treasure. and I am not fucking trash. I know I can do better. I just loved how it felt when we were together but its too conditional and im sick of him acting like hes retarded. like tyree. I know he wont just snap his fingers and get over me like I will him. cause I didn't do anything wrong so it wont be easy. as time goes on I start to forgt about him cause life is so care free without him and he was such a piece of shit. but he is only going to start to feel bad and I will look better and better to him in time and he will feel stupid. I can guarantee that. we talked everyday. right now he may be fine and it may seem like nothing but it will bother him at some point. cause hype cant last forever. and his life is not easy. so whatever. I have to be strong and try my best to ignore him if he does reach out. I decided that if he wants to plead his case and like talk about things and makes it clear he is sorry and wants me back THEN I will listen. because he has always listened to me. but I mean... other than that. I don't think hell say anything to me. not along those lines. he might like in a few days say he thinks he did the right thing LOL because I deserve better and things just weren't right between us blah blah. and if iget the chance (in person) I will definitely be speaking my mind in its entirety. and it would feel awesome. I mean I wonder if he even thought of me today. its actually really nice cause like I didn't think of him like I used to. it really wasn't a painful day. it went by fast. I kept myself busy. I wasn't tempted to text him this and that all day. like im so thankful thank you God cause I am in a wonderful mental place. I feel like..hes a trigger. I feel like if I let him go my life is going to transform into a really positive thing and I am going to transcend into a really positive individual and my time is really coming. but like if having him costs me my peace im not willing to pay that and he doesn't care about peace. he cares about all the wrong things and I cant save him. instead of being a good influence and bringing him into the light he brings me into his darkness and hes not worth it. like I have gotten over so many people. he reminds me of trey. I mean he introduced me to his family and I thought we were gunna be something but like I let that go and didn't look back and focused on my show. and that's what im going to do now. ill hit him up in 2 weeks when I need drugs. but that's about it. and I don't doubt myself I know I can do it. im not at my full potential now without my hair and my body isn't where it will be. but im still beautiful.. I like being pale. I like having dark hair and being kind of edgy and different I don't want to be like everybody else I don't want to like feel pressured to be tan or have big fake boobs or super long hair or be white. like I want someone who likes me as I am. hes right to let me go if he does. and if he doesn't im going to encourage him to. im too far ahead I don't wan tto backtrack. so God please just keep me on this positive path and help me not look back. im curious if he will talk to me tomorrow or Friday because he knows im off on Friday. I mean. if hes off on Friday I will consider going over there tomorrow. but im off frday and then go in at 11 on Saturday so it would also be fine for me to go over on Friday night. and I don't really want him coming over here. idk why. I like to be able to come and go as I please. but I can see this being the end. I can see us seeing eachother at the show and there being a spark but I mean. he had his chance. something in him doesn't want me. and I give up. im ready to embrace loving myself and being by myself and succeeding by myself and then making a life later with someone who wants to share it with me. not someone who just...doesn't even see me. im over this. like finally im not bitter im not depressed. there is slight sadness. but mostly..im proud and happy that I have peace for once :)