day 1 ending well

Had to pep talk myself when I got to the gym. and my self talk has changed since then. and my fake convos with him have too lol now im making videos and posting on IG. my paid shoutouts didn't go AS WELL as I thought they would. guess I need better material. i'll wait to do it again until I look better. once I get down to 8% (im giving myself 6 weeks that's a pound a week) i'll be looking RIGHT and ready to go. that'll be about 4 weeks into working with kim so it'll be good. anyway so yea I really just had to say like I need to give myself credit. cause what im doing is hard but its right. he never does the right thing he always does the easy thing. the easy thing would be to beg him to talk to me but I haven't. I stood up to him on Saturday and didn't let him talk to me all crazy. then when he broke his promise and went silent again instead of begging him or trying to convince him or make him talk to me I ended it. he had his chance and he blew it. and it wasn't easy I love this person. its never easy to walk away from someone you love even when they treat you bad or when they walk away from you. I guess that's what happened. he slammed the door in my face and I went home. instead of asking to come back in. cause the truth is he was lucky to have me. more than lucky this fool was blessed. I was very good to him. my insecurity last week was more like a premonition and it came true. he has choices everyday and he makes the wrong ones every chance he gets. I was good as hell to him and always there for him and everything you could want in a girl and he acted like he was above me when the truth is im out of his league. by a lot. he blew it. and I am strong to walk away. and I didn't give him any slack I told him the truth 100%. it is true I am happy and free without him. and if he uses that for an excuse to hurt me then its just more poor character. this is HIS fuck up. hes the one that is paying right now not me. he should be missing me what do I have to miss how deep do I have to dig to find those good memories. hes got them all the time. his only chance is to plea with me when I go see him for my drugs. and I will tell him he has to stop selling weed. I checked my phone and he did like the pic. which was a positive sign. means he did read my text. he did not block me. he probably does feel bad and might be starting t miss me. but unless he wants to apologize, own up, and SAY THAT. I don't need to hear from him so I don't expect to cause not once has he ever fought for me. theres no many things I cant live with that he does and unless he takes a big step and chooses that he wants to make every effort to be a better person we cannot be together. its going to hurt like hell and ill probably cry on the way home but I have to get my shit and leave and not ever go back. like I cant stand by and let someone treat me that way, period. ill never love ans respect myself if I do. and right now I hurt a little but I respect myself for being strong and I choose me. if he wanted to work on himself or once and wanted to make us work id be down for that. I will be honest if he asks I do miss him. but I am not going to allow him to just attempt to act as if nothing happened. you don't do me wrong treat me shitty and never apologize and if you care you don't just let me go you fight for me. I hope he does though I don't believe h will. I know I deserve for him to. but I think the only way ill be taken seriously is if I actually go 100% through with this. which is not what I want. but he doesn't recognize urgency, I can see him letting me go. and I mean...its just gunna suck but it is what it is. if he asks me I will give him a choice. to choose me and the right path stop selling weed try to be a better person and stop treating me and his mom shitty. or ill leave and never come back. like. that's it ya know. and if he doesn't bring it up or try to talk to me its going to be really hard for me not  to be like so you have nothing to say to me? but I mean all the times I fought for him. if he wont do it for me why would I want him. it will never be equal if he doesn't value me at least that much. so yea. hes got 10 days to decide before he will hear from me. I don't expect to hear from him. im really hoping I don't get that confirmation text. the I wont change you deserve better text. I want the you deserve better and I want to give it to you text, the im tired of being this person I want to change text. but I don't expect it I have never walked away and stayed away though. maybe itll save us. maybe nothing can. idk. all I know is im not doing shit for that boy anymore and im not fighting for this. its his turn this will be the revelation of like has all my hard work and investment in this really been a waste, but yea. so im going to be building myself up and building my strength and just really getting used to life without him in the mean time. I pray that this wont be forever. that time without me and not speaking to me at all and me not backing down will somehow give him time to think and decide what he wants and that if he looks into his heart he'll find me there. if he still has one. but its ALL up to him. the ball is in his court at this point. im scared to lose him but I trust God and I know hes just doing whats best for me. all I know is im strong and awesome for doing this. I shouldn't feel bad a day in my life I deserve to smile and if he takes my smile away then im going to take my love away. and he thinks he wont miss it. maybe he wont. I truly don't know if he will miss me or not.i know hes never missed me enough to come back. hes surprised me before. but I mean. idk. ill keep being strong. ill stick to my word no matter wht and if I cry I wont let him see. all im gunna post on instagram is positive and fitness related stuff. and im going to try to actually BE positive everyday and just...be a better me. and if he gets left behind fine. I do miss him. I do hope that he comes around. but I know it would take nothing short of a miracle.nd im so far gone. I don't want to go back to hurting. its not worth it.