OMG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH- BEST BDAY IVE EVER HAD

I know I have to stop telling him cause he doesn't say it back. but for some reason it doesn't bother me it feels good to be honest and I know that if It bothered him he wouldn't still be around. and if THAT doesn't bother him, nothing will really. I feel like we might be okay.. ok so long story short. pleading apology fruday night. told em I know he probably never wanted to see me again but if he wanted to come over my bday wouldn't be the same without him. and he texted me Saturday morning saying he would come over. I had a feeling he would/ and he did. and he took me to the cheesecake factory. we were matching. and we took pics at the apt and outside the cheesecake factory. smiling pics. funny pics. kissy face pics. it was amazing. man. I actually had a really good time. I was present and I felt amazing just being with him. I felt like a princess. this is why I love him. when I talked to him at work like Sandra said he texted her at like 1:43 saying he was coming over. 1:43 am. and I was like :( what if he went to see someone else. and then like I texted him about it and he said he was at the rodeo cookoff last night and he got really high and popped Xanax cause he couldn't drink and he mustve texted me on the way home and I just got this dark feeling. almost brought me to tears. I feel it a little bit now talking about it. I wanted to tell him not to come because he just....the truth is he really really isn't that great of a person. and his lifestyle makes me uncomfortable. we're just so different. and like my life is so separate from his im not that exciting I feel like i'll never be like that. or that we cant like combine. and then like... idk anyway I just told em I was jealous and he makes me feel boring and left out and I didn't know what he was going to say but he said we could go if I wanted but yea he came over too late. that got me excited though. but when he got here I was just happy to see him. and he was so sweet like very like he missed me. very close to me and kissing me immediately usually it takes a while. it immediately felt like we were together as soon as we got together. like nothing had ever gone wrong. we've gotten much more comfortable I was like why don't you hate me and he was like I don't hate you in his super sweet reassuring way. gah. like he jut took me to cheesecake factory and it was so pretty and we sat on the same side and he was snuggling me nd just being super cute. he asked me what I wanted and said he buy me shoes but I didn't bring it up today. he said he was going to get me something but then I pissed him off and he didn't think he was ever going to see me again -__- lol but that he intended to buy me something was super sweet. we got in an argument over sam mcguffie over dinner. hes so naive about that. but I just told him i dont want him to cut me out cause im not bullshit. then like we came home and watched tv had sex twice snuggled a lot. and he snuggled me like even when we were sleeping I LOVE that. all the kissing. and the way he looks at me. and smiles. and he'll stop to kiss me in the middle of sex. today he was staring at my boobs which made me feel hot haha I gotta get rid of this pudge which means stop eating like I am currently :( I think all this fat and all the gum the past couple days has wreaked havoc on my GI system my stomach has just been unhappy. anyway so yea today I woke us up to do cardio and he was like we can do some cardio then he started kissing me in between words on the way to the bad and like sat me up on the bed and kept kissing me. took my panties off and like held the back of my head up to him while we were having sex from the side of the bed which is his favorite haha and kinda mine. I like him on top of me cause its more intimate but like the side of the bed is awesome. anyway and like looking me in the eye and I was looking down and watching and it was just super hot. FUCK I love being with him. but anyway so yea I think we ended up doing it twice. today I mean. I think we dd it again after breakfast then he took a nap. but yea that time was great too it was like in the spooning position but my leg was up more than usual and I had put some lube down there cause it was still dry from last night when I went to the bathroom. anyway and he was enjoying that I like it when he makes noises. sex is a great experience. anyway so yea and he kept like throwing me around today and yday lol he is just so hot. but hes getting like his body is becoming more and more amazing every time I see him so I need to get on my ish. its time for me to get leaner and start making progress. ive had good gains but I almost think I can like stop now besides my calves. ill keep lifting to grow but gotta stick to my diet and add in my cardio. I did pretty consistent this week with workouts. had a good back day the other day haven't done arms in 2 weeks. unacceptable -__- anyway but yea so like just had breakfast today etc. he is back talking to chris. I asked him if he could stop smoking he says he does it a lot less but hes going to start cutting his friends out more starting like in april. we agreed on if they want to see him they come over. I just hate that. I don't like his friends and I do feel left out and I want him away from the drugs and the debauchery so bad. this morning he called his stepmom to tell them he was sorry he missed out on church but he feels sick and was so convincing. ive done it. im just like.. and we talked about it. hes mean. he makes fun of like different people. fat people. hes not that great of a person at all. he could be. he does know better. hes just super carless and wreckless everyday he does 50 illegal things still gets weed from chris and sells it that's how he had all the money he spent on me. and it was a lot. ridiculous. and like.. still sells steroids. and works at my fit. but he is aware at some point his parents are going to cut him off. last night though when I said to come work at this my fit and just live with me it was crazy cause he didn't like object haha. he said I would enjoy it. and of course I would. but anyway yea. and like we talked about the future. he said he doesn't want kids for five yrs and I was like omg that's fine Idk why you act like im just crazy and in a rush im not. and I was like don't act like you cant picture yourself having kids with me and you know im going to be an awesome bride. and he didn't object a whole lot. and like when we came back he was like come lay on me I want you close to me. and just the snuggling and kissing and laying up is what I love. and he agreed we can go to schliterbaun over spring break yay! im excited like he was talking about his cats and how its normal to let them outside AS USUAL and like he was saying how his cats love him and what he does to them and like he was like "watch when you come to my house youll see" so like....I got the distinct impression he was like...not planning to run. and I could tell he missed me. idk. I guess I just have to focus. his WHOLE LIFE doesn't affect me right now. at all. his sister and areeb broke up poor thing. he wont even help her I tried to talk to him. but I mean no hes not that great of a person and he knows it. but when it comes to me...the good comes out. his responses to me when im angry, forgiving me for what I said. when he is usually very unforgiving. like..the way he treats me when were together and occasions that are about me (which are pretty much over now) lol but anyway as far as how things are with me he treats me well. ive gotten used to his smartass mouth and hes not like the same as people ive dealt with in the past but like he is just so affectionate and cuddly. I came out and slept on the floor last night cause he wouldn't stop snoring and he came to get me but couldn't find me lol and I went to the bathroom so I got back in the bed. I remember the time he was like "soo..is this it? I mean If you cant sleep with me" like it was a deal breaker and he didn't care. when he was at the apartment. but last night he was like im sad that you left me im sorry don't be mad at me and was like all cuddling me. hes just SO SWEET and like I just...it doesn't bother me that he doesn't say I love you back. because I feel it when we're together. and we're getting closer. we're moving past things and things are starting to flow we're finding our own groove. and it may be awkward and weird at first like meeting people and getting involved with eachothers friends and families, I don't like his friends but eventually he will grow out of them maybe. make new ones. some couples don't hang out with eachothers friends. so its fine ya know theres pressure for that cause we're young but they are his friends not mine. his family other than his sister is sweet. his stepmom I heard her this morning shes a wonderful person. and his mom seems very sweet. I pray he grows out of this lifestyle soon BUT like..i just don't want to think about it. I don't want to feel bad about the things I cant change. I wish he would have a consistent legit job and like...stop being shady. stop breaking the law a gazillion different ways every day and taking chances all the time. but his weaknesses are my strengths and vise versa and maybe in time he can like..idk maybe I will have some kind of effect on him if I stay true just maybe ill inspire him to be better. maybe hell get sick of being how he is idk all I know is I have not enjoyed my bday...probably my whole life. im always disappointed by a boy or my friends and its always just been a day to find out the people I care about don't care about me but today and yday I was legitimately happy. I was present and happy. actually enjoying myself. I loved every second of it and he stayed today until 2 hours before work. and I texted em saying a heartfelt thank you and that I love him more than cookie butter and he didn't scare away he said he wished he could've stayed and didn't have to work but that's life? lol anyway. the thing with me and corey is yes like hes a fuck up and hes been so horrible but things are getting better. NOW we re doing well. we've come very far and we accept eachother for all our faults and I think that is so important. I just LOVE being with him and my mindset has gotten healthier through the different trials. im more confident in me and what I bring to the table. and I love him. but I don't worship him. ive seen his true colors. some of them are ugly. but I love him anyway. I just gotta like...idk. go with the believer. because the believer is me. the doubter is a protection mechanism. I need to use common sense obviously. but like ...im just...the one thatbelieves in the best. and I don't want to be a skeptic even if it is easier. he doesn't love me yet...but he does plan on it. and..idk. if I stop worrying about other people and what they think and how they act. all that matters if how we feel about eachother. and I love him to DEATH like... I cant "see the future with him in it" anymore. but. I just...want him in it. im happier when we're good. I just have to stop worrying about him cause I cant prevent anything or change anything all I can do is encourage him and set a good example and PRAY. God got him out of that apartment Im sure he can do a lot more! Thank you SO MUCH GOD for that. I needed it and IM SO HAPPY IM OFF! I think i'll take a nap I was going to workout like 2 hours ago. but time has flown and im tired haha.