Being the wrong one sucks

Well I'm not the ONLY wrong one. Hell maybe I'm wrong for really apologizing. cause what I said wasn't lies. he isn't that great of a person and needs to listen to his conscience a lot more. but I did go off for the wrong reason. like the stuff I said was uncalled for. he was mean first for the most part, but I took it too far. I need to STOP doing that. and just not be mean ever really ok be assertive prove your point but I need to stop going off on people and making them feel like dog shit. I mean. idk. I cancelled the party. and yea I will be okay spending tomorrow by myself. and sunday. but if theres a chance I might not have to...like even I don't want to come out publicly with a relationship. now I realize you shouldn't do that unless its stable. cause it is a commitment. and things need to start going better. we need to like..hang out. get to know eachother. and focus on ourselves not what anyone thinks. like I mean if the feelings are still there ...it depends. I know after everything I said like after he blocked me EVEN ON INSTAGRAM. and when you block someone on an Iphone you don't see anything they say. so I texted him from sandras phone saying I was so sorry and would he please just unblock me on his phone so I could explain myself and apologize. and he texted me almost immediately saying ok. that was about 4 hours ago. and I sent an apology. I sent one when I woke up this morning that I have a feeling he never got cause I was blocked. but yea I just woke up crying rolling around depressed and I was like im going to just have to let this be a mess but honestly like I wasn't happy with how I handled the situation I really wish that like..i could just go back and have been honest. idk how we could recover from this but weve recovered from a lot. im hoping the fact that it is my bday coming up will compel him ...his original plan was to be with me tomorrow so im just hoping he will like..idk. come over tomorrow? I will apologize again to his face and hopefully we can talk things out. if hes tired and doesn't want to do this anymore I understand. this reminds me of me and tyree. we try but we jut don't work well together and with like different kinds of lives..idk.i guess I at least wanted to apologize. walking away as the bad guy sucks I didn't want that I know he texted me because I said im hoping that me being so forgiving and understanding with you in the past can you just like pay it forward this time and I think that's what got em. that's the truth. like if he cant let this go his feelings for me aren't strong. idk. idk why im holding on. I guess that's just what I do. I probably wont hear from him tonight. its most likely I will hear from him tomorrow. we have seen so much bad stuff from eachother. I think...like it would be nice to see some good. im not a total train wreck right now. I just was irritated yday and honestly I am happy to be out of a relationship and not have to worry about what people think. I think we should work on ourseves privately and keep ourselves out of the public so that cant fuck things up and then once were doing good and are stable we can present ourselves. and just act like we made our statuses visibe. I don't want to be in a relationship on facebook when its like this and honestly idk if me and corey will ever be in a relationship. this might be on its last leg. im tired too. and I want things to just...flow..and they don't...and I think we could use some time apart honestly because im judging him a lot lately and he is not looking that good to me. I guess I should just expect to leave work and go workout tomorrow. and be by myself or with my family on my bday. but at least I apologized. if he ever really cared about me he wouldn't be able to stay mad. hes too good at that. and needs to learn to let stuff go. but people don't change over night. not in a good way. I guess I ought to start prepping myself for how things are going to be. tomorrow will be starting over as day 1. idk. I know eventually he will say something. I hoped my sincere apology would...disarm him a little bit. and ive prayed. but I want Gods will and I just think all this drama couldn't possibly be his will. its like I cant help but eff things up. idk. I feel like hes sick of me and im kind of sick of him too. maybe we do need time apart. maybe even permanently. sigh. but today got better because of Sandra. thank you God for her. I do feel a lot better. I wish I hadn't told Jen about it. I don't want to like wear my heart on my sleeves anymore and my life isn't what people think it is. it isn't what it looks like. its what it actually is. and ive been living through pictures and appearances for so long. telling everyone my story. but relationships are meant to be a personal thing im not a celebrity. I can have a private life. and if I want to be professional I need to keep my private life private. unless its serious. if things do ..like if he decides he wants to try. which I have a feeling he wont. but we have to take it very slow. and just...I have to take the pressure completely off and know I cant rely on him but im ok by myself and as time goes on we can get to know eachother and start to tell eachother more. but its dating. its not a relationship. its deciding if you want one. and even if we do want one I think we should be in one for a little while before we decide to put it out there. like literally I think we should hang out for a while by ourselves and get to know eachother and build the relationship between us, keeping other people out of it. then maybe just tell close friends if they ask. and like...if I want to be pursued just let him pursue me. plan to be alone unless he initiates. and then like meet eachothers familys and see how that goes and if that goes well THEN change facebook statuses and add pics and stuff. talk about what we want and don't want and how we want things to be and focus on communication and leaving everyone else out of it because thinking about what other people think is what kills it. now that I see how freaking horrible things can turn out. I will be more cautious. I had to learnt hese things. I cant just get away with being impulsive and deal with the consequences later. im praying somehow good can come from this. but it might just have to be left a mess and like..i move on ya know?