not gon cry

cant find another song that helps.
feel so damn dumb.
i prayed. had a good talk with God.
i know ill be okay. its a matter of time now.
i know my scars will heal. my hair will grow.
all the damage theyve done will be invisible.
& i wont let this happen again.
it just fuckin sucks. damn.
so damn dumb.
but fuck it. gotta get thru it somehow.
changing the number gives u a brief sense of control
im still sick though
no damn appetite. [actually, not trippin on that]
i need to study. as always its hard to focus
but its been like this all this month
i still manage somehow.
i wanna die almost everyday. yet i still get up.
still go to class. still go to work. still smile sometimes.
still try to live. even though i wanna crawl into a hole
& sleep til i feel better.
nothing reall makes it better.
the boys did for a while. had to let them go though.
i gotta let everyone go. cause they do not help.
im just like..at least i accept it.
its like getting kicked repeatedly in the balls
but everyone gets their heartbroken
especially me. how many times have i done this
guess i just, wanted to be over it
but i hold onto shit so thats my fault.
i never wanna give uop. i do now though.
i dont want him back. dont wanna work it out.
just wanna wash the regret off.
get as far from the situation as possible.
so i can...feel...unburdened.
i said i wanted to disappear. these bdays are bout to be over.
so im doin it now. ill fake it every day.
& find a way to make it through & be strong.
praying that every new day that comes will be that day
when i finally feel better
but im takin this time to do some work on myself
i do too much for ppl
if they need me, the boys at least, i hope God lets them know my spirit is still with them
& maybe ill come back
but right now, this is the closest i can get to a break
& i just hope the ppl i do have to come in contact with can let up a little bit
i dont wanna talk about it
i dont expect their sympathy
i just wanna get thru the day
so i guess ill just take it one day at a time
its kinda like diary of a mad black woman.
which i probably need to watch..one day at a time
thank God for every day. sometimes one minute at a time
little by little you get used to being alone
its not so hard to get outa bed
you start to forgive yourself
& love yourself again
you start to want to live again
the joy slowly reenters. & u find peace
i spent the last 3 wks just trying to accept
now that i have, & i see this person is not nor was he ever my friend
it hurts. im not gunna lie. i could compare it to so many painful things
a stab in the kidneys
lazeration of a limb
someone dying.
you dying.
pain. pain you wish you didnt feel
victimization that you cant fight & cant defend
just..constant nagging pain that wont go away
i realize every day will be hard
i wont want to get up i just gotta do it
gotta go to class gotta pay attention
dont gotta worry about pretendin to be happy for ppl tho
pretendin to be strong
pretend smiling
hopefully i wont see no one.
so i can just let it hurt,. thats the only way itll heal
lying about it & trying to pretend the wounds arent there wont help
so ill try to just toughen up & deal with it
but i dont want nobodys help i dont want their input
just wanna get thru the days
patiently awaiting a break. im gunna try not to spend any $ that i dont have to
so that when my hours decrease at work ill have money & wont be tryna get a 2nd job again. dont want to. wanna rest.
eventually i wont need to write.
its like..going into a coccoon.
maybe when i come out ill be a pretty butterfly.
maybe people wont recognize me
i dont want them to worry
im not doing this for attention. screw attention i dont want it
screw popularity screw ppls approval i do not care
i only want Gods approval & im not stayin in places that annoy me just to stay liked. they offer me nothing
i need a break. thats it. period. to recooperate from all the bullshit that has dragged me down & all the stupid stuff ive done & just let God wash away my sins & build me back up
i want to disappear. & thats what i plan to do.
im not going out halloween screw it i dont wanna go out.i dont want to look sexy i dont wanna be around ppl i dont wanna socialize i do not care.
i do not care i do not care i do not care
thats not who i am i am not that person
i dont wanna be
im waiting for God to shape me into who he wants to be
and im separating myself from people, food, boys, sex..all my little quick fixes to make me feel something
so he can fix whats broken once and for all and i wont need those things
mental spiritual emotional transformation thats what i need
ill probably cry
eventually ill stop
then i just wont anymore. i have a headache and im sick
and i wanna wakeup from this horrible ass dream.
but its real. i get it now. its real.