running in place

i might as well put this song on replay forever. its always playing in my head
& i sing it when im in the care
it just really captures my situation
so i texted his cousin
secretly hoping i could go over there
idk if i even want him. i dont think i do
i want him to want me
damn i feel so fuckin undesireable ya know?
the drought is in full effect
foreal. i cant get the time of day
i know everyones gotta be lonely sometimes
youd think id get used to it
i feel like im running in place
dk where im goin
or if im getting closer
& for some reason i cant stop looking back
why did i go on his fb & look at his pics?
i cant really just..see us together like i could before
& i can look @ him happy w/ her w/o crying
i dont feel a sense of possession anymore
i just..have trouble getting close to ppl
& i got close to him. & his roomies.
then abruptly, you gotta change it all
still adjusting to the new situation.
living by myself, sleeping by myself every night
knowing if something super duper fun came up to do tomorrow that involved having a date..i wouldnt have one
absolutely no prospects no hope
just so so super single. which i hate. but w/e.
what can ya do. but listen to this song over & over
until my brain stops.
til im so far away when i look back all i see isthe trail i leave behind
these nights suck. feels wierd. but im not crying. guess ill study.
its crazy, when i got the idea i guess i thoughtid text his cousin
& somehow get him to invite me over
then id go over & just act like i came to see him
& ignore the other one'& like..chill
idk, show him im not crazy? blah. hes probably caking with her.
idk. i did my hair & shit. knowing he wont see it he wont care
he knows im attractive.
i think he sees me every morning. it doesnt phase him.
hes faithful now & he thinks hes too good for me,
we cant be friends
we cant just chill.
my mind annoys me when it works like this
like im so desperate for approval. attention. company of a male.
but theres only a few ppl i like, that i feel comfortable with
& its all a bust now. im gunna surprise antoinette for her bday tomorrow
shes really upset right now i hope it helps
im upset too. guess im just, tired of it.
but i know..even though it has been like this for a long long long long time,
it cant stay like this forever.