Death

I am...so different.
That night, when I cried my eyes out like a baby...i havent hurt that much or felt that much betrayal and pain since my ex had sex with my best friend.
So many times Ive lied to myself.
So many times i believed in someone based on the rare occasions
and some of the things they said
instead of their actions
and the most frequent offenses
so many times..every fucking day
i give and give and give
searching for love for so long
taking on the pain of the world
getting a thank you..like...once a month at MOST.
that night..it all came to a head.
ive been a victim too long i cant do it.
something inside me DIED.
& i cant bring it back to life.
i dont want to.
now i just want to be alone.
i see everyone as my enemy i do hope that part faDES
BUT...i dont wanna be who i was.
and i dont wanna hear ppls mouths
cause they didnt appreciate me before
eff them.
cause im not doing anything wrong.
i do not like college kids,.
except for the very rare sweet people
i dont care who l;ikes me, dislikes me
i dont give a damn if they HATE me
i do not care.
and no one will touch me. i dont even want them looking at me
ESPECIALLY boys.
as of now, in my mind, i have like 1 friend.
then i have fans.
and everyone else is just.. another taker with their hand out.
family. school. fitness. work to maintain.
thats it.
its gunna take a miracle to bring back a positive spirit in me
cause im a cinic right now. & a pessimist.
allllll i believe in is God.,
so my miracles coming. but meanwhile, eff faking it.
its about me right now.