Recovery

Apparently My obsessive-structural mind tendencies are effective in some ways
I am able to structurize and systemize almost any process
even processes of the human mind
like getting over heartbreak
this is actually an adaptation of my "getting over a rumor" procedure
that i developed in 9th grade
first the week of torment [turmoil for heartbreak]
-this is a week of hell. if its a rumor, people torment you & u just have to deal with it. if its heartbreak, you torment yourself. you fight it and it hurts. you cry every night and want to die. a full week.
then [like clockwork] you enter the month of silence
-for rumors, this is when no one talks to you. you find out who your friends are. for heartbreak, you dont talk to anyone. all you want to do is disappear. you cant move on you dont want to talk to anyone, youre lonely but ironically you just want to be alone.

then the recovery. slowly, if its a rumor, people start to forget and tlak to you again. for heartbreak, you come out of hiding and slowly reenter the world of the living. the only exceptions are if you speak or try to fight the process. if you retaliate against your tormenters, you prolong the process. the month of silence cant be the month of silence if youre talking. for heartbreak, it can be shorter sometimes. for true broken heartness, its the full month.

its crazy how at the last hour of the week of turmoil, i start to feel better.
not..better completely, i just have a feeling i might be okay. im starting to accept it. i actually got some shit done this weekend. & im getting back on ym structure.
i cooked, packed, washed clothes, cleaned. i felt like it. & i did it instead of going to sleep. so its definitely progress.
one day at a time.
i still want to disappear. after my friends bday i probably will.
so the month of silence is definitely something im looking forward to.
for now. sleep.