treading water

im naked. staring at a closet full of clothes thinkin "i have nothing to wear"
& wondering damn like, who am i?
i felt like i always knew
but now. im naked. im bare.
idk what i like, i know a little of what i dont.
idk where im going, been runnin in place for a minute
its like i fell off a boat & now im just swimmin in the middle of the ocean
so far out i cant even see where ive been
so tired i barely remember
im cold & lonely
& i have NO idea where or IF theres any solid ground
i continue to pray
believing God is there with me. i know He is.
im just tired. very very tired and there is no end in sight. its beyond disheartening
its like okay yea swimming for the rest of my life will make me stronger
but ...how strong do i need to be?
its almost cruel.
youd almost rather drown but its like no that would be too easy.
instead you just keep effing swimming. forever. sigh.
theres GOT to b a lighthouse or a freaking boye [idk how to spell that] around here somewhere i can ask directions or just rest,
i need rest bad. right now im just irritated as fuck
but i just wait, i wish God would send me an angel to pick me up & fly me to dry land
but i know he has a plan
for the first time,truly i cannot IMAGINE what it is.
idk mayeb thats the point
maybe hes letting me swim around in circles so i can finally get lost enough to forget the past & the future & he can recreate me better & take me somewhere ill be able to stay
at some point, i did jump off the boat.
so apparently i wasnt happy there anyway.
idk maybe i was pushed. maybe i fell.
i dont remember shit. its crazy. what is this?
i hate it. i have some ideas, but i dont KNOW anything anymore
idk why i do half the shit i do i just wake up
and repeat.
i wakeup, go to class, go to work, workout.
but the only thing that really is rewarding is my grades
when theyre high that feels good.
working? i dont see any of it really. its mostly just maintanance. to avoid being broke. but i work HARD & i dont see any of it.
then theres working out. im actually starting to see some results from that no lie
but even then. shit idk. i do it because its better than getting fat,
hoping that someday if i fall asleep at the wheel, but somehow manage to keep driving
ill end up somewhere [with a beasty body lol] instead of being fat
so im doing everything to keep up.
i cant wait til this testing period is over so i can get back caught up & start fresh & be a little more relaxed
today at work i was so damn tired & i just didnt wannt be there
itslike being sick would b a blessing just so i could get a damn day off
i am the only one who never takes off. when ppl are sick or they have other engagements they take off. not me. i work all the effing time
& im just hoping one day itll pay off though i cant imagine how
its a preventative thing.
i want like a full week where i can just chill not work not have school not have to worry about NOTHING & do whatever i want!!!! omg
but what i think i really need is a damn life
i need something that makes me feel as good as boys do
so i dont need them
i cant tell you how much i want to not even think about them anymore
idk. i just keep .."living" waiting to really be alive.
I know God sees me. it doesnt necessarily feel like punishment anymore.
its just boring. & i feel purposeless and confused mostn the time
but maybe this is good
maybe he stripped me to rebuild me in his image.
which is what i wanted.
nmow that i think. i remember
half the time idk what i want
idk what i need
i dont even know how to pray i dont know what to ask for
i want to go to church tomorrow & i hope the message gets to me
i hope i feel something
i hope i get what i need to get done tonight so i dont have to worry about it tomorriw
& wakeup ontime. its better than not.
idk. shits got to get better. im changing though
in a big way
idk..what the HECK is going on and i cant lie im not a fan
but God wouldnt do it if it wasnt good
no matter how it seems sometimes i know I have found favor in his eyes
I know the things that happen arent due to him & that he is pulling strings to save me right now
i know better days await me
i know