Once a Good Girl Really Goes Bad

today was a loooottt better than yday.
it was hump day.
a day i usually love.
cause i get to go socialize and let everyone see me
have everyone callin my name and feel popular
dance a little.
the UC, a place to congregate. where you almost always see someone you know
i heard my song blaring
i walked as fast as i could into the caf i knew no one would b there
i ate my lunch & wrote in a book about the things i was grateful for
i need some me time
some extended me time
i realize now..ive spent my life tryna belong.
tryna make ppl like me. make em see the good in me i knew was there,
but it wasnt good enough for me
i never fully acknowledged the good in MYSELF
always seeing it in others
all ive ever cared about, whether id admit it or not
is how others saw me
always thinking, no matter how many ppl absolutely hate me,
most ppl who meet me think im purpose
having this wierd pseudo-celebrity status
where ppl think so highly of you
they wont really get close to you
they think you dont have feelings
& when they see a weakness they jump on it like rabies squirrels on a nut
[that was a fantastic simile]
but anyway. ive been obsessed with having friends
being loved
earning approving
fitting in
always tryna find someone who cared as much as i do
actin like a little kid,
no. i CHOOSE not to be nieve anymore
believing something doesnt make it true
ppl r evil.
seeing the good in them will get you killed
i leave myself as open pray by being this bleeding heart
in a see full of sharks
seriously. who am i helping?
im making bad people into monsters
turning everyone into greedy horders.
its not acceptable.
ive always had this sense of respnsibility
every since 11th grade..to save the world
to use my gifts to save the world.but not just the world
teenagers. but ive been "saving" the wrong ones
the spoiled brats who need punishment
giving them a shoulder to lean on
absorbing everyones pain. so im ALWAYS in pain. trying to prevent others from ever having to go thru what i do
always giving ppl what they want.
treating the world like my child
all sacrificing
anything to feel loved. no,
not anymore.
ive always know there was a compromise
either i learn to accept that they dont care and stop doign what im doing
or keep doing what im doing & just be more understanding of the fact that they dont care
now im seeing both sides. i never though id break.
thought id keep taking shit forever,
forever doomed to be this martar, this victim. no.
cause im not helping anyone in a way that they really need it.
the part of me helping ppl, God will send them to me
& put me in a place where the ppl that NEED me can be reached.
here...these are the regular, guilty, evil selfish hearted people
they dont need to be given MORE
they dont need anyone to feel sorry for them and
politely lie down so they can walk their dirty feet across me.
i am allowed to look out for myself. maybe my calling is not RIGHT NOW.
maybe this is a stage where im allowed to grow & develop into that person
& i need to protect the heart thats going to help THOSE ppl one day.
i gotta make it there first.
i mean i understand trying to be all i can be
but I dont think God wants me to be a pansy
I asked him to harden my heart & i think thats what hes doing
i wouldnt intentionally hurt someone.
im still not evil. not one bit.
just a little more apathetic & less blind.
less romantic THANK GOD!
now i see that these are children foreal. ungrateful children that have to grow on their own i cant expect them to think and behave like decent people that some of them will never evn become
i dont have to give away my milk for free the world has no shortage of milk
& people mooch enough they take enough they dont need to be given anymore
so im sucking up every last drop of milk into the deepest trenches of my being
God has the key to a double vaulted safe that its in
someone will have to seriously look for Him & then show EFFORT to get in now
i mean im going to be celibate. foreal.
i never wanted to do half the shit i did. i did it cause i thought ppl would stay
i thought ppl would c me going against my will for them
i thought sleeping in that hospital bed would make him see that i was oging to be there for him, something a normal GOOD person would value.
i thought beiong the only one to be their for my friends bday would b good..
thought she deserved it. no one deserves shit.
seriously., i see no good in anyone now. theyre going to have to show me
that theyre not like everyone else.
im not gunna walk around talking about how one deep i am
im not gunna walk around at all
im not gunna make boys jump thru hoops to make myself feel good when i have absolutely no intention of them ever winning
im not gunna make statuses and develop this identity as this person
thoough i am going to become strong & i will hold onto that.
this is a battle inside me., im thru talking
im gunna just live what i believe & ppl will either see or they wont
but it wont matter. because in my heart ill b happy with myself
& know that God is with me and what else matters?>
too long ive looked to people for the answer.
they cant undo my childhood neglect. they cant make my parents love me
or make up for that
no one can undo the hurt ppl have caused me except God
& then once its all better, i can protect myself from further injury
by not putting myself in dangerous situations anymore
i gotta see signs and be real with myself
i dont want to fall in love
dont want a click
dont want to be popular
i dont give a damn who likes me or doesnt
cause what do i get out of friendships with these ppl?
birthdays to remember only for mine to be forgotten
whining to listen to
a tired as shoulder from crying faces slobbering all over it
lowkey jealous ass comments tryna make me feel bad
demands and no thank yous
texts and calls to wait for
hopes to get up and be let down?
no fucking thank you im done chasing
peopple make me feel more & more empty
ive yet to find someone to be able to hold out the pleasant surprise
foreal.
what do they geT?
anything & everything they want
someone they can call on 24-7
that will defend them no matter what
& walk on tippy toes as not to hurt them
all my time money energy love
eff that
i have no love
the only love i feel besides my family & like..a few other ppl
is for God. that is IT.
i love school too. kind of.
& im starting to love myself.
starting to find out who that person is.
whats HER worth.
i will never be BAD because i love God & i will do whats right.
but this whole..sweetheart getting stomped on...no.
absolutely not.
the next boy...will be my slave. or he will be ignored.
he will pay every fucking cent for the first DROP of milk.before he even gets to hear about it. because i dont want to give it. at all. never did. & im taking it back. for the sins of the previous, the following will work. period.
im not God. no way. but he blessed me with SO much to give. im not blessing devils anymore. no way. im not attracting myself to people that pull me further from God ANY-MORE. im done trying to fit in how can you be like GOD and not stand out and theres no one else i want to be like.
heartless. i might be. cause He has my heart now. its safe.
right now im mad as hell cause im still hurt but im healing.
& now i feel pretty good knowing that I warned the perpetrator.
I warned him. i told him id never hurt him. but that God protects the innocent.
& he takes it upon himself. his hands were already dirty. and he touched me.
but i am cleansed because i prayed & repented. he did not.
he gloated. & i gave him i think3 chances to redeem himself thru me.
thru compassion to show he wasnt evil but he didnt and he is.
NOW, that everyone he is close to, and he himself KNOWS. even though he doesnt believe i do.
when it comes back to him now, maybe for the first time
hell know why,.
i always hated how ppl could do me wrong, then when their karma came they just got to feel more like victims becayse they had no idea why.
this one will know.
because i was not untrue.
i did not bring it upon myself i tried to do right.
& he rewarded my good with evil.
i dont have to touch him i wouldnt.
God will. & he will show him what happens to people who mess with his children.
he is no son of God. im allowed to hate enemies of God.
i dont hate him. but pay, he will.
these words i believe with all ym heart & for the way they come to me i know theyre true God hasnever ever not come through on this.
i asked him to defend me where i cannot defend myself and he does.
im back safe in his arms and im not leavbing anymore.
people...can kiss my ass.
God...is my home. i no longer need to search.
im safe inside resting while my heart heels.
& when i am once again free to roam among the people...
ill be different.
im different now.
but only i know why.& thats the only persont that needs to know.
my requests have been granted my weakness have been relinquished.
i no longer long for love
i no longer seek the approval of thew majority
i no longer hate myself
i no longer hold my head down
im no longer searching
PEOPLE will no longer control me
im no longer their slave.
im free.
life can start now.