abra kadabra

i want to disappear. so bad.
sometimes i want to die, just for a little while
long enough to see God & then come back. i know id be better.
people dont know what goes on in this head
they only see the outside. the fakest smile in the WORLD
it used to be real. & thats what kills me.
i was happy. i was a spirit at one point.
that spirit is gone. & i cant seem to get it back
& i want to disappear.
but i cant.
i have so much to maintain. life is a job
i work two jobs to keep my money. way too many hours. & so much stress
5 classes. not enough time in the day to stay ahead in all
plus i want an A in all of them.
no time for anything i enjoy
& i dont remember what i enjoy
cant remember the last time something made me happy
OH YEA, i can.
but i had to let that thing go.
he treated me bad. but i brought that out
what you feel inside manifests itself in your life
i couldnt have kept him
let her have him.
but the only times i remember feeling like life was worth living
were when we were alone
which is what makes me so mad.
when we were alone, we had no problems.
but we never got to be alone
& now we never will
so ill continue to sit here.
struggling to maintain.
a clown juggling bowling pins.
til they all just fall.
and the sad thing is. i know they wont.
this will go on forever. sigh.
i dont KNOW anything anymore. i live like a machine.
& i dread everything. today was so bad.
yesterday i felt okay was today was a fucking tragedy.
no progress. idk wtf im gunna do.
but i WANT to disappear.