Damn near a month later... moving on

its been almost a month since we first met. that first amazing day I thought would save my life.
but it didnt.
I still think about him all the time
i still find myself imagining ways to fx it in my head
but after all this time, im starting to accept
i mean do want to let em go? no
but shit, what choice do i have?
what is all this rebellion in my head REALLY doing to improve the situation
when i cry, i cry alone
when i hurt, i hurt alone
he has no clue unless i tell him
& i dont tell anyone but this stupid blog
sorry blog, youre not stupid. that was the anger talking
im not even..angry anymore
its just...boredom now i think.
im lonely. yea yea we know, but its becoming the norm now.
& i think ive just gotten over the whole thing
i cant stay mad
i cant hold it aqgainst him
so me developing this "im right, hes wrong" attitude is a fail
i cant do it.
i dont think my reality is distorted.
he does have good in him, ive seen it.
& we COULD b good together. the potential is there.
its just what i emphasize in my mind & what i ignore that is detrimental to the goal of getting over or letting go.
i tend to emphasize this suspended world of imaginary could-should-bes
and ignore the facts
the facts i emphasize are only facts in terms of the past
they are currently untrue.
the current facts are that we dont speak
he doesnt make an effort to contact me or be close to me
and if he is close to me he will not interact with me
he is with another girl
the girl he was with before me
& not only that theyre "engaged".
this has been the case for a good 2 weeks now
it would be a logical conclusion to draw that they are happy
or he wouldnt be with her
that hes not missing me TOO much or hed act on it
& that if he doesnt see or talk to me, as convenient as it would be
its because he chooses not to.
does this hurt? um, not really. not anymore. Thank you God for that.
its..not what i would choose, but its not pain i feel because of it
it is what it is.
seeing him does it kill me now? no. in fact, id rather be around him than not
if im honest i could have found somewhere else to put my friends bday surprise
but i saw it as an opportunity to be around him
& he slept the whole time. everyone in the room spoke and we all had fun while he slept. so these are things that i am doing, maipulating the situation to be near to him even if he dont speak. the best way i can put it is,
he has my heart. why would one not want to be where there heart is?
the most favorable situation would be an return or exchange.
clearly id prefer he either give my heart back, or keep it & give me his as collateral.
but he isnt holding it captive, he doesnt want it.
me resisting the situation keeps it with him. in time, it would naturally float back to me realizing it is where it isnt wanted.
so its a mental thing. but alas, he does have it. so i seek to be as near to it as possible. to feel like im whole even if just for a while.
while he slept, i could pretend that if he woke up we'd speak. but its a lie.
so i see why id want to be around him.
& i dont care what ppl think. if he came back & made me happy id still date him f what they say BUT thats not the case
what are my issues/.? why did i leave?
1)he doesnt appreciate me 2)he loves himself more than me 3) he treats me bad 4)he wasnt affectionate enough & we didnt spean enough time together 5)***he didnt care if i stayed or left [i had lost my value to him]. so i had to go.
i went, he didnt tell me to. so we know there was soemthing wrong.
but alas, he wins out if we look at it that way,
he has my heart, hers, and his. so he wins.
me, um, im pursuing my own inner victory at least. i think.
either way it doesnt hurt anymore. i miss em. whatever.
cause my suffering is unproductive.
but i see that, if he came back, i have conditions
i want an apology. i want him to SHARE the blame with me not put it all on me. i want him to humble himself & value me. i want an exchange.
but whats looking more likely is a return
so i mean if were going to look at what would be the more profitable transaction. the return, or for me to just take it back.
i could take a passive approach. i could pray every, keep faith in him, and wait patiently for him to return all the while believing they wont workout and its only a matter of time til he comes back to me. believing he still has feelings for me. a belief that would not be supported by evidence. this is a risky transaction. its letting him keep my heart while he has hers, waiting for him to make a choice, unaware that he has both options, hoping that he will magestically just happen to pick me and decide to give me his heart to keep mine,,,which he doesnt realize he has? yea, not too logical.
i could take the active a;pproach, which i wont. cause it fails everytime. actively chasing someone who is running from you..not too cool.
plus both these options further devalue me which is counterproductive.
the only win-win situation to be created is if i take my heart back, and let time mend it back together [mentally let him go, since i already have physically, and go on with my life without pursuing this imaginary reunion in my thoughts]. this way, i get to grow up and keep my sanity while being happy and eventually moving on and he gets to keep her and not be taunted by my ..stalking. just forget about me, and enjoy what he has. and she gets him. eventually ill get someone too. so thats what im choosing.
if his roomies talk to me, ill talk back. i do like them. & if his cousin wants me to come over, if i want to, and if i am not busy, and i can convince myself that i would still b inclined to go were he not there, then i can choose to go. they ARE fun & i DO love their company. BUT i should not try to keep the bond with them just to keep tabs on him or keep myself in his life. i gotta remove all evidence. this means i cannot initiate contact with him, even indirectly. i have to go to class in all my regular routes. sit in the front of class, nowhere near him & not look for him. & not try to make it so he sees me. if i dress up, it should be because i want to not just in case he sees me because hes made it clear my looks are not enough to impress him. thats really it.
i have to consciously and fully accept the facts. and stop resisting them through thought and through deed. i have to remove him as a motivation for anything i do in my life. there is no con to this choice. either way, we both win. If i get over him, and go on with my life and he comes back
a) if he comes back with remorse, an open heart and open mind, seeking peace and forgiveness..then i can call back the feelings & choose to take him back. or start over with more perspective this time. knowing if he stays great but i dont NEED him.
b)if he comes back thinking oh shes crazy but ill give her another chance, like hes doing me a favor and i see that nothing has changed, the only purpose served being to show that it was not all me to blame, then i can opt out of re-entering the relationship or choose to be just friends.
part 2, if he doesnt come back, i wont notice. i wont be sad ill just go on with life and itll be a thing of the past like so many other relationships that didnt work. i will be free from pressure or guilt and stronger for all i went through. he wins if he comes back CORRECTLY he gets me. if he doesnt he gets her. & either way i win. so this is clearly the best choice.
at least im still smart enough to verbalize all this so well and structurize it so..perfectly. im growing. i feel wierd. but im growing.
the songs i listen to are different.
for once i dont WANT to cry. i dont WANT to b sad.
i need not worry about looking strong or "winnin". how could you win when you lose someone you care about? in that sense, obviously HE won. but thats ego. i can still live. once i find something to live for.
i plan to get a freaking life now.
everyone has one/. i think its the key to being able to have a successful relationship. cause you have soemthing going for you besides it.
so im on to the trail of personal growth.
i just had a vision of sand
cant wait to see some.[read treading water if you dont get the metaphor]