So why not now

So i texted him saying "Youre right youre right how rude of me what you said was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for like 4 days. which implies much worse..like I DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ANNOYING ASS STO TEXTING ME lol thanks for clearing that up" and he laughed and was like thats not true why do you try to make me feel so horrible and i said so you can be aware of how your actions affect me and change it so their wont be so many misunderstandings :) and then a little later i said "i dont want to be the friend that you dont want to hand around but you do cause you feel bad :( if you dont want to see or be around me just tell me and i wont try. obviously that will hurt my feelings but its better than being around you and being able to tell you dont want me there. the truth will set you free lol" im going to stop deleting what i say so i can go back and read it cause what i said yday morning was gold. lol i deleted this one too but i think i remember it word for word cause it wasnt as long. anyway i think this was around.....9 ish? 930. something like that. he had responded at like 8:10 and i woke up at 8:30 and responded (really proud of myself i was so tired i thought id go to sleep but i got up at 830 to eat and then went to the gym. didnt end up working out til like 11 cause i left the house at 1015 after talking to myself pretending i was talking to him for like an hour. im just over the whole thing. i guess i wasnt fully aware. cause of november all this time i was sure he still had feelings for me. and that idk...i guess i thought it was just a phase. i didnt realize that he never really had feelings for me. and the reason everything was always effed up and no one was happy was because we both knew it. now im convinced to him i am garrisen and that means basically there is no hope ever. only difference is i never did anything wrong garrisen was controlling and abusive. sooo...there is a huge difference but feelingwise its the same. i did try. but i dont want this to get dragged out for two years. it feels horrible to know someone doesnt feel the same and now that i know. i mean i dont even really want him as a friend. whats the point. i still cant rely on him to even text me back. i dont trust him enough to be myself and in the back of my mind i think im always going to want him back. but i mean i have accepted the reality. i cant lie and say i cant see him changing his mind in the future. but the point is right now...theres nothing. we dont talk. we dont see eachother. and he's fine with that. i dont need anymore friends honestly. if its going to be all me all the time i dont want it im sick of that ya know? really. like....f it dude im not desperate i dont need you to be my friend if you dont want me to. he prefers his asshole friends. i barely know him anymore cause we are so far apart. i cant ever see us being close if im real it looks and feels like a lost cause. i cant..i mean theres nothing to say anymore. theres no fate here. theres noo...potential. we're beating a dead horse. well im beating a dead horse. and honestly i dont want him to be unhappy. i know how garrisen made me feel. he just wouldnt let me go. so i want to be different. i mean theres nothing to even hold onto. so im going to let him go. and he can do what he pleases. ill follow the rules. if i think about him ill pray and try to focus on something else but everyday i have to accept and come to terms with the fact that he doesnt have feelings for me anymore and nothing is going to change that. not me, not time, not anything. and if its not in Gods will i need to stop fighting it nayway. truth is im tired and i dont want to fight anymore. i know what im worth. if he doesnt even want to be my FRIEND. i need to let that go. its ridiculous the things he values and hes never seen me in the light that he should. and he wont. its just...not even worth holding onto. if he were a girl id cut him off in a minute. my feelings have made me blind but they fade everyday and i need to let them. i see clearly now. and i dont WANT to hurt. it doesnt change anything. i mean he hasnt even responded. i dont need that kind of friend. he could respond with the same bs. or actually admitting he doesnt want to be around me right now or maybe he thinks he doesnt have time that hes too focused. best case scenario he apologizes and says he does want to see me. absolute best he says like lets go to a movie this weekend. that he knows its been a long time and he does miss me and hes sorry for making me feel that way. worst case scenario he tells me theres someone else. i mean i dont want to hear that ever but its something i need to realize is a possibility. i have no collateral no piece of them. being with someone else wont bring him back to me chances are itll just ..idk hell like the person and i will get hurt even more. its not what i want. at all. but what can i do. i do want him to be happy though the whole situation seems unfair. if you love something let it go. he wont come back. but i have to let him go for me and for him. so i can focus and not be anxious or hurt all the time. cause hes not being the kind of friend i want him to be and i cant believe a word he says anymore. the person i knew is gone. as far as the person he is now...i dont want that. so im ready to let go. ill just focus on my goals and school and just trying to excel. and i know ill be okay. one day it will all make sense even though it seems like a waste right now i have to assume that God is emptying my hands for something better and i'll be happy when that happens. i do think the only way ill get over him is if someone im more attracted to comes along. equal or better. it has to be. anyway regardless of what he says im ready to let go. and he may not say anything. he could have not checked his phone again and fallen asleep. he could have seen it and not known what to say. and that means when he does say something it wont be good. or he could do what he normally does and never say anything. regardless i dont plan on talking to him anymore after this. its not inconsiderate he doesnt think of me now and he wont think of me then. so i dont have to worry about hurting him ever. i just have to think about me and do the right thing which is to let this go. i need to never text him again or initiate anything ever and instead focus my energy on moving on. thank you God for giving me the strength and the piece to do this. in Jesus name amen.