Eventually I know I have to let him go

They say if you love something let it go but if he doesnt love me which he doesnt then...hes just going to be gone. i can deal with time apart. i can deal with patience, waiting. i can deal. but like..letting him go knowing that i will never get all the amazingness and sweetness and lovingness that boy holds in his heart and that someone else will.....the thought...is horrible. i know...ive known along he didnt feel how i felt i just hoped that maybe he could. hell now im back to thinking he faked it. im down with being friends but mostly because i want to still be able to talk to him and hang out with him and i want him to like..trust me and let me in. i want to hang out with him but i feel like he never wants to see me again. whether i like it or not even if we have agreed to be friends im going to have to back off. the first hardest part is knowing if its up to him we will never speak let alone hangout. he's already over me. he doesnt think about me anymore. and the second hardest part is knowing that even if i do get to hangout with him i wont be able to touch him. if he tries to touch me or kiss me i'll have to say no. and worse, he may not even try. then i'll know he's really over me if he's not even physically attracted to me anymore. then i definitely am garrsen. man i dont want this to get dragged out for two years. i have to back off. i need to stick to the bloody rules. not to manipulate or anything the initial reason i made them was to protect my heart and thats wat i need to do. i need to take it away from him and back into my own hands where its safe. i need to not harbor any hope or feelings for the boy and i might as well start entertaining thoughts of me with someone else and him with someone else. gah its just unbarable. this whole situation crushes me but i feel like there is no hope. we're too far apart now he's too far gone. i feel like there is no chance available here. we won't see eachother. we won't talk, and everything will be a fading memory. it hurts. it really does. i guess i thought if i stayed true and fought hard enough and kept faith that somehow we could end up together. but i know hes got to be happy to and i dont make him happy. all those times we were kissing and i felt like i could fly he was just enjoying a casual makeout session. all the times i thought we were making love and just savoring every drop for the passionate experience that it was...he was just fucking....like. it kills me. and i know i should be mad at him. i shouldnt want him i should hate him but i dont. i cant. i just want him but not even that i dont just wat him at all costs. i want him to want me, need me, want me to stay with him and be proud of me like i am of him and if he doesnt and never will feel that way, like if i care about him i have to let him go. and no he wont come back. yes i know ill be okay. i just dont wan t to go through the time and the heartache i know it takes to get back to okay. i feel like i will nver get over him. but from here on out i have to completely shut up about feelings and relationships. honestly....i really need to back off completely. i might as well goo ahead and let em go. there may be no hope for me. it will take forever to give up hope and my heart will break as time goes on and my greatest fear is confirmed: that he has no feelings for me and feels no loss without me in his life. it just feels like twisting the knife into my soul. i knew it. thats what he meant when he said when we were together it wasnt right. because i wanted it and he didnt. i was happy and he wasnt not completely. i was SURE and he wasnt. ive always been sure ive always chosen him. i wanted him to be my last. but he doesnt want that. i could deal with the lack of commitment if the feelings were there....but theyre not. i just wanted to stick around and be available in case he changed his mind. and i know it isnt right or fair to me i know i deserve better than that. but at his best, thats what i deserve. man. he was perfect. he was beautiful. everything ive ever wanted. i wanted THAT. but i mean. yea theres nothing positive i can say. it tears me apart to let that go. to know ill never see it again. words cant explain how much that hurts. but i mean....i just....hav to do it. he wants to be let go. all this time ive been worried about what i wanted and never really cared what he wanted. he doesnt want me. he wants to be without me. and it kills me but i mean thats not what i want. forcibly being with someone who has no feelings for me i cant be happy with that. he texted me back. cause i was giving him crap about not being willing to go to a movie with me. and he said i still feel bad about that i never said i wouldnt go to a movie with you. and my first instinct was to say something funny like youre right youre right what you said was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for like four days. but i mean...idk i just keep deleting it cause whats the point. why not just end the conversation. i cant stop bringing up the past and the wrong hes done and the only regret he has is that he didnt tell me the truth sooner. but he pretended. idk. i ended up replying. but like. when i was in the car i asked God if there was any hope. that he may not feel that way now but that at some point he would. he did respond and if i wannted i could take that as my sign but you know what i dont know anymore. im not drawing any conclusions unless he actually SAYS something. until then i have to go with reality. reality is we havent seen eachother in 2 weeks tmrw and hes still ok. reality is he probably hasnt texted me first in a month and he hasnt initiated seeing me one time this year. he didnt even want to ring in the new year. he has every opportunity to talk to or be with me and he chooses not to. he blatantly came out and said all he ever wanted was friends with benefits and he cant return my affections so whether i like it or not i have to accept that and respect his wishes. i cant be plotting and trying to set him up to fall for me. that was my mistake from the beginning. assuming he even would. it either happens nautrally or it doesnt happen at all and theres no way to take back all the thingsthat have blocked that path and theres no way to know what wouldve been if things had gone differently. what i learned is dont put all your ducks in someone elses basket unless they put theres in yours. their basket might get too full and they might either throw your ducks away or give them back to you. or they might just keep them and youre duckless. regardless. if you know how you feel and the other person doesnt know how they feel you should allow them the choice without you trying to sway them in any direction. you should only give your ducks to someone who offers you theirs in exchange. period. love. relationships. its an exchange. its give and take. cant be all give and no take or all take and no give. in general...it just was never right between us BECAUSE he didnt feel how i felt and i know that. to protect my heart i need to stay away from him. and not talk to him. because thats the only way i can get over him, i mean...idk. i dont want to keep pretending theres hope when theres not. when i know in my heart he doesnt have the feelings it would require to make me happy. theres just...nothing left. ive given everything and theres nothing. i mean i guess its good that we're friends so we're no beefing and if i ever see him we can be cordial. but i mean...im going to get hurt either way because hes going to move on and itll kill me inside. honestly i do not want to see that. so the only thing i can do is just...give him what he wants honestly ive been selfish too. you cant make someone feel something they dont i know how that feels when you stay for someone else and youre not happy. i wont do that to him. hes confirmed it. i am garrisen. so i have to do the right thing and let him go. and it honestly does me no favors to hang around and be his friend. im always going to want more. that doesnt happen naturally either. the only thing that happens naturally now is us not speaking or seeing eachother. he wont notice. i will. but if i have to get hurt either way i migth as well take the path of acceptance which will eventually lead to peace. i knew. in the beginning he felt the same but once we had sex..it was different. and once i said the fb thing...it went downhill from there. there's nothing left to hold onto. he never texts me which makes me think he just doesnt think about me. i have so many regrets but he doesnt. i just want to be okay too. and on the off chance that he does text me. i just need to follow the rules. cause i mean....me and my other guy friends dont talk. so...why should he be different. i cant lie to him and lie to myself and just ACT like i dont have feelings for him. that hurts. and ive already started gaining weight. up like 5 pounds since last week. could be holding water for recovery but idk. i know im pregnant. cant take the test again and trust its accuracy til the end of the month. but i just know. the food cravings have come. and my period hasnt. it really sucks. this whole thing is just a tragedy. i just gotta like get back aware and awake and like...let him go. i have to. if i want to keep the pain of last year out of this year i have to let him go. and i have to do it knowing that he wont come back. i dont want to tell em guess im in the same spot as i was last time. i just dont want to officially tell him that i mean cause there is nothing going on. we're just "friends" so i dont have to. i can just not talk to him. and not bring up hanging out anymore. it kinda sucks but oh well. God give me strength to accept this. cause i cannot change it. and just..help me find peace even with this knowledge of this painful truth. Please help me i dont know what to ask for but it hurts. the whole situation and i feel hopeless. i know you can make me okay and heal me over time but right now all i see is sadness and i just want to pray that you stay with me and keep my broken heart safe and just heal me and help me be happy again. in Jesus name amen.