When it comes to you honestly I feel like a fly on the wall. Like I am invisible. No matter what I do, just invisible and I'd take it ALL back if I could. If I had known that the more I was there, the more I did, the less you'd see me until I literally fade into invisibility. I blame myself but thats just me I always take responsibility bc I'm the only thing I can control. It's like...how dare I talk about Dustyn. Something must be wrong with me to even be able to be so obsessed with someone who would really only feel any kind of emotion if I got very sick or died. Its the most confusing thing. And its not your fault its not directly anyones fault. Im the cause and you just reacted. Its just like...5 months of like .dedication hard work and commitment and I have less than when I started! in fact, all I have is like old ass pics and one new one to prove that it even happened. You felt more when you barely knew me! At least then you found me attractive. Everything I did..I guess treating you how a GIRL wants to b treated even though im the girl...made me so unattractive to you that while most relationships go FORWARD with time I literally did the opposite. I am like flabbergasted. You TOLD ME why the FUCK didnt I just LISTEN?! WHO does that. And you know honestly this whole time I did it bc your words said one thing but your actions said another now I find the WHOLE THING was a lie. And I try to b so strong and I think I am cause I go on and I deal with it. And I make the best of it. But it hurts. I wont lie. My feelings are hurt my pride is hurt and my heart never really healed from the first time you broke it in october. Cause I wouldnt like...give it a rest. I was too busy trying to hold us together. I was just..I knew if I let you go you would just b gone. I shouldve just done it!! I feel like the twilight zone! Like I was delusional. All of a sudden there were so many red flags and now youre finally being honest and I appreciate that. But it doesnt..absolve. like. Now the consequences have to happen. I think honestly though at firsr the reason I wanted to b friends was because I figured eventually if you ever liked me the feelings would come back but how could they? If you did it was A LONG time ago. But this is all I got. Every single one of my cards is on the table and youre not impressed by any of them. I think I could take all my cards and walk away with the table and you wouldn't blink. I feel like I just woke up into a nightmare and I'm fucking embarrassed. And ASHAMED. 23 years old bout to turn 24 and after everything I been through and smart as I may be I was THAT GIRL? I want to crawl under a freaking rock. I mean I guess boys are different from girls I can't have sex with someone I have no feelings for. Especially someone I know has super strong feelings for me. I remeber what that was like. Not fun at all. I mean I don't like initiate intimacy with anyone I don't REALLY like. Definitely don't like hang out with them and do all of the above. The reality is I barely talk to any of my friends. I dont know if you noticed that. You are the only person I was really close to. My friends WISH id see them as much as I saw you but I won't make the drive cause I don't care. I'm there for them when they need me but friends are disposable to me I know it sounds bad. All I really care about is my family. I only have a few friends who I deem loyal and useful enough to even keep around. And it'll always b that way I am so 100% in relationships including friendships so I can't afford to have that many and most people don't equal it.n friendship though it should be equal. The only way for me and you to be equal is for me to basically take away everything. Me and my guy friends though it may not seem that c way we BARELY speak. And NO ONE besides dustyn and garrisen (rarely bc he is willing to make the drive) sees me. I don't do anything for them im there if they need me but that's about it. I have to b honest like everuthing I've ever done for you I did out of love. From my heart. But I feel like I've had it. I don't feel anything anymore. From you telling me you were happy I had a date I guess that was the slap in the face I needed because I have not been the same since. It's in my nature to be sweet and its habit when it comes to you. But like... now when I look at you I see....dishonesty. ..and pain. It's hard for me to imagine you caring about me. When I think that this whole time meant nothing to you. You were THE ONLY person I ever even looked at and the only person I would even dream of letting touch me. And you were 100% cool with someone else doing the same thing. Referred to it as "hooking up" when it meant so much more to me than it seemed like damn you can "hook up" with anybody. But not me. I don't hook up. I don't do fuck buddies or fwbs. I can't. You know I'm super traditional that's my thing with relationships Im just a monogamous person I don't think you should just fool around. Hell well you can I won't judge anyone else. I just can't live with myself doing that. And before it was ok bc we were at least exclusive. The way we have been since declaring ourselves "friends" has been what was missing when we were more. It's what I wanted from you from the beginning. I just thought a relationship was what caused it but what I wanted was trust and to be close to you. to talk to you and be the one you turned to. Didn't know it til I got it recently. But what is missing now that I didn't realize then was EMOTION and exclusivity.
Anyway basically though on my part the trust isn't fully there. Idk if you noticed but I kept giving you like. ..verbal situations where you could correct me and say what you used to say "of course I like you I just don't want a relationship" which NOW fast forwarded a few months later and now that all the kinks had been worked out, wouldve been 100% permissable. But like... you being HAPPY to have me go on a DATE with someone else. Me saying I know you'll find someone else one day and you being like thanks. And time after time after time you just confirming that we can act like were together just without any verbal affection and you dont give a shit what I do, like. I dont feel rhe same. I feel...stupid. and I feel like I been selling myself short and doing the MOST and like I said im embarrassed. But essentially like we can be friends. No reason to be enemies. But after the lie basically was revealed ..I just...I feel like I dont know you ya know? I feel like I thought I did but I dont. So I just figure instead of sitting here dealing with this and battling and trying to handle it on my own trying not to look a certain way when I know in my heart I dont care how I look to you anymore. I just...am what I am. Theres nothing left to show. You can know everything about me within 5 minutes of meeting me im just that kind of person. There is no mystery. If I actually like you there isnt a chase. Im point blank period. But im honest. I may say too much but im honest. And I always tried to put you first. I tried to let youbgo and be happy and im sorry I didnt. But the reason was from the heart. I dont know what your reasons were. But...I dont believe that you care about me. That you can kiss me like you mean it and sleep with me and be super sweet and still say you have no feelings for me. Still let me carry on even though I pour my heart out to to you and tell you im not over you.
Youll never know what its like to be inivisible to someone you would take a bullet for. to give EVERYTHING you have mentally and physically and to walk away with NOTHING. I have been beating myself up...and you let me. Since november you just...let me..do everything. You never asked for it. I know it was all me. But you let me. You tried to tell me. I know. But your actions said different than your words. You KNOW my beliefs. Now I feel like a cheap whore. And very very stupid. I made a lot of mistakes. But...I tried. I always gave you 100% and I do it with everyone I care about. I just..I really tried to do right and it went so wrong. I know you would never do all of this on purpose. But part of you I think did. I hold my shit together. But I really think you hurt me more than my bf sleeping with my best friend. Bc he made a miatake. He felt SO BAD. and he did everything he could to make up for it and make sure I was ok. You.. just let me hurt.
I think I owe it to myself not to keep people like that around. You did help me in a lot of ways and I do appreciate those. But you knownin your heart that you only ever gave me about 5%. Im so sorry I shouldve listened. You tried to tell me I know I couldve listened. but I was blinded by my feelings. TRUE feelings. For you. What were you blinded by?
We cant be close like we were. I need time away from you to heal. Who knows how long usually not very. But ive never felt like this. Ive always been too caught up in emotion but I see now. And it hurts but I want to just deal with it and get through it and move forward instead of living in delusion. I know you dont care so this probably means nothing. Means something to me though. I need to forget. And forgive myself and feel good again and kind of just do some soul searching. I cant be friends with someone I dont trust and I dont think a broken heart can heal while still engaging with the one who broke it. You dont have to explain yourself! Theres nothing left to do. Nothing you can say can make it better. I dont want to make you feel bad. But if you ever felt how I feel right now I would feel horrible. I would not be okay until you were. I always want you to be happy. Seeing you happy makes me happy. I cant think of the last time you did something to make me happy. You say you want that but..idk what youre talking about. Idk. Idk what to think. All I know is what I see.
I cant keep like...hiding my pain so you dont feel bad. Ive taken on the brundt of EVERYTHING this whole time and I was wrong to do it. So im going to stop. Im being honest now. And im sorry. But I cant pretend. Last night I was crying in the car apologizing to God for making this mistake and not listening and also for what I did to garrisen and thinking I deserve to feel how I do. And then I prayed that he would let it skip you. That I dont want when you finally have someone you care about for them to hurt you like this. Like break the cycle just let him be happy it doesnt help me to hurt anyone else. And that just made me see like as usual im thinking bout you. Youre in my freaking bedtime prayers. This whole time I wanted to believe things would work out cause my intentions were pure and innocent. Really? What am I 5? Is this a disney movie? Im an idiot. And I want to stop. Talking to you and even knowing that you think we're friends feels wrong. I have to take back what I said. That id always be here no matter what you do. It's not true. You havent changed. You said you wouldnt and that wasnt a lie. But I have. Something in my mind has switched. I can't be the same person I was to you cause I never shouldve been. you never wanted or needed anything I did and it just doesn't feel good to be the fool. Its not all your fault. Im not perfect either. I can be a real bitch. And emotional and stupid. But I was honest. And I really did care about you. It is a big deal. Very rarely do you find someone who is just THAT loyal and whose feelings are TRUE and unconditional and a broken heart is always painful. WE ..feels wrong to even say we now. ..anyway WE were not a big deal. I was wrong to make it one. So many things i did wrong that i regret so much. All I wanna do is set things right.
I never know what to say. I akways sound crazy. I don't care. And I am akways scared of what you'll say or that you won't say anything. But it just. .. doesn't even matter. I am immune at this point. Ive been hurt si many times for so long and its my own damn fault but I mean what could possibly be any different? Theres nothing you can say that will hurt more than you saying you are happy that I have a date. Everything hurts. There's nothing different. You can't say anything to make me happy or sad its all the same and I honestly don't know what's true or what's a lie cause I don't know YOU. Idk. Idk anymore. I'm completely lost and just.... blank. I just needed to b 100% real for a minute. That's all i know to do..anyway it doesn't matter regardless. But at least I can say I told you.
I don't hate you. And I'm not mad. I don't think you're scum. I just don't KNOW you. And you may not know me. Maybe we weren't meant to know eachother. Deep deep down part of me still just...whatever you are whoever you are part of me still wants it. And I hate that part of me. I want it to go away. Cant do that if I keep giving it reasons.
I don't hate you. And I'm not mad. I don't think you're scum. I just don't KNOW you. And you may not know me. Maybe we weren't meant to know eachother. Deep deep down part of me still just...whatever you are whoever you are part of me still wants it. And I hate that part of me. I want it to go away. Cant do that if I keep giving it reasons.
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