Mental Progress

So I decided, well I realized that what I need to focus on is focusing on the current moment. I dont have to read the power of now. Hes aggressive. Maybe reading something else will help BUT [just ordered A Course in Miracles randomly online. its supposed to be amazing and I think it will really help me reach more peace.] yea Idk i feel like for a long time ive not wanted to be more at peace because i feel like it will pull me away from people but how close to anyone am i now? i mean how could it possibly hurt. Anyway just in general because life changes a LOT and can be hard...i just want to be at peace and have access to my logical mind in situations where its needed so i dont make horrible stupid impulsive decisons with consequences i cant undo. i want to be just...okay. with everything i want to accept life as it comes. im awesome for the world as a whole when im in good mental states. so i want to be that more often. i dont want to be bored. i dont want to be resisting everything. i dont want to be searching and i dont want to be looking for myself or salvation in other human beings. i want to be closer to God but Im not really drawn to church or the bible right now. I need something deeper. So Im just trying to become more present. talk less, listen more. just..you know. GROW. when i woke up i had anxiety anyway even though we hadnt talked since last night and it took like an hour and a half for me to calm down and for it to go away. i just didnt feel good. and in the shower was when i realized i needed to focus on just accepting things and not being so attached and labeling everything. that i am who i am without anything i have or what people think of me and that wont change. i need to stop thinking. like the majority of the time cause it just causes me pain. and im ready to get past it. i think itll change my life for the better and i can really finally start living. as far as him. i got $150 worth of free stuff at work today with my rewards nd i was so proud so i told him about it. at first he came off kind of jealous but maybe i was reading too far into it. then i sent him a pic and asked him how his day was. idk. i mean i said i wouldnt talk to him but...theres always unfinished business like...when im mad whats the point of that. doesnt affect him whatsoever. only hurts me. and theres no reason for me to walk around or like idk for us to ever be enemies after all weve been through. we need a break and this morning i was mad at him but like i just needed to forgive him for my own peace of mind. were just people we do our best. and i mean he accepts me for who i am and how i am. i have to either accept him or dont cause i cant change him. i needto change me and people will all treat me better. but i decided like yes we need a break. we been going at it for two long we dont trust eachother theres a lot of negative energy and holding onto the past and the only thing that can heal it and kind of ... just give it the best chance is time. and space. he made i clear to me the other day he doesnt want a relationship but it was really like ...everything was better before feelings came in. at the end of the day regardless we are where we are because i pressured him. i cant undo it. cant take it back. and talking wont fix it. hes messed up a lot and its hard to think of why this ever started in the first place. it feels like we were different people then. better people. hes right, feelings did destroy everything. i was wrong to get comfortable and jump into things. we did have something good and i ruined it. and there was nothing i could do to fix it everything i tried to do made it worse so its time to stop trying but thats not even enough. i never wanted to have any space or distance because i thought he would forget about me but he told me he wasnt looking and i believe him. one thing we are is loyal to eachother. he admitted that he would be upset if he saw me with someone else so i know he still partially considers us in a relationship even though its not "official." idk how i feel about him right now. i need to give myself time to see how much of this is really real. i dont love him which is good. but i also dont think its just lust. its like i wanna talk to him too. but i think it might be egoic attachment which sucks but at least im aware. i need to detach. and start fresh. get to the point im happy and no longer need him then i can decide with a logical mind if i would like to...idk try again. i tried the one week thing. didnt work. things are best when i take the pressure off. honestly we are really like...we're friends. we're attracted to eachother and it throws things off. but like...thats how i need to treat him. a friend. i can be nice. and positive but not like reaching and trying too hard or fishing for compliments and always have an ulterior motive. i always have an ulterior motive. i have to just. let go. and accept life. as what it is not what i want it to be or think it should be and stop trying to mind fuck everybody and like hope things into existence. trying to have like this fairy tale. but i mean idk. he is my fairy tale. i can take as much as he can give if i end up with that boys heart til this day it would be 100% worth it. i bought a freaking dildo and i couldnt even like picture someone else to use it i got it so i wouldnt need him. but i mean. i dont want anyone else. i just dont. thats not the solution. i want to get over him enough to think clearly and make good decisions. but like, idk. i still see my future with him in it. that can change and im open to all the possibilities. i know its a long shot that this works out and even moreso that it turns into something that will continue to be in my future. i mean hes free to do as he pleases. and i dont want to do everything with him in mind thats something i will practice in this time. and im not going to tell him. im just going to....focus on me. and try to spend some time away from him. the hardest part will be like not wanting to hang out with him everytime i close at work the next day. like every tuesday and friday or saturday everytime i have an off day. and hes available normally i do get to go over there but we're beating a dead horse here. it was a really nice little ember and i through a blanket over it. then i tried to fan it to death with the same blanket idk. the only thing i can do is let it breathe. and possibly the wind will catch it and bring it back to life but thats when things were good. when it was new. and fresh. and exciting. time apart would give us time to work on ourselves to improve. time to...have more stuff to talk about. now we feel like we know eachother so well i feel like we need to un-know eachother and give ourselves a chance to get to know the non horrible sides of eachother. idk. to see if it really is anything ya know. i can undo the past, but i really would like to just....almost pretend it never happened. i need time to just forget all the shit and all the disappointment and pain. and like not expect anything from him but also not be so angry and not be so obsessed. i mean...as long as i need him ill never have him. i do want him. just not right now. i need to start my period and get that back non track. and get things settled with school and the challenge, etc. the thing i just....idk. if he talks to me thats great like...be positive and just light conversation. but like its probably best not to initiate so i can get used to just going about my day. and focusing on what im doing. and not like staring at the phone. just let him talk to me when he wants to. and eventually im sure he'll want to see me. normally id be over there tmrw but im going to be with sarena which helps cause i wont be so like..waiting around and fighting the urge. but in the future honestly i think three weeks at least..would be good cause one wasnt enough. until then if he tries to hang out i just have to act busy. i mean it really could be good. but i have to do this for me. but yea i do see like...good possibilities. itll give me time to get in great shape which will make me feel good cause im not full of crap being lazy and never working out cause of him. doing that for me. knowing my body is where i want it to be. and being confident and proud of that. thats only physical but its a sign of hard work and makes me feel good and strong mentally. also like time to do stuff and have more to talk about and catch up on. just like best friends..let things blow over and after a while you forget what you were mad about. that usually happens within a week. but to forget completely and realize like hey are we completely better off without each other or not. and to also learn that im 100% okay without him and literally and truly be happy on my own and not need him. that will be best. my hair will grow a little bit. my face can freaking clear up. i can keep my apartment clean and save up for a tv so the next time we hangout he can come over here. and he'll be impressed and i'll be more confident in it and he'll feel more comfortable coming over because it'll be nice and clean and not a mess dominated by cats and have to take my trash out etc cause i can do it myself. i'll have more pride in my place cause it'll be nice. and we can actually watch tv not in my room lol. if i save $75 a week it'll only take me like 3 to be able to buy the tv. i'll just have to be tight elsewhere. keep eating the same stuff. and i got my supplements. but over time it cant just all be because of him. these are just the benefits. its not even about him though i know he'll be somewhat impressed. hell he may not but im done trying to earn him i dont need to impress him. and at the base level what he feels for me is there at my ugliest and with the least to offer possible so i dont have to. but i mean im excited on improving myself. sometimes i get so like feeling like im busy and dont care that i dont like care about how i look and dont take as good of care of myself. but this year i want it to be different. i want to look in the mirror and like what i see and keep myself up as best i can. paint my nails and whiten my teeth and take care of my skin and hair. work hard in the gym and eat clean so my body is something i can be proud of. hold myself to a higher standard. i want to get truly confident and accept my life and my circumstances and myself so that i dont have to makeup stuff to make my life sound interesting or to get sympathy or attention. i want to tell the truth. i feel good. theres more work to do and i may not feel good but i feel good now. the day ended well the convos were good. he said his day was good and he was eating dinner with chris and his family and it was his sisters bday. i was just like happy bday to her blah blah more about the supps and i was like well i wont bug you during dinner glad you had a good day and smiley face. then he texted back his supps just came in so hes stocked up too and dinner went well now he was just chillin at the apt with chris and i was like cool cool cool just closed the store now im bout to hop on this workout flow jafeel and he was like niice well hoope you have a great workout exclamation point and idk if it actually came in at 1030 or if it just said it did because i checked it at 1030 but yea i responded. i lied and said i deadlifted way more than i di. gotta stop doing that. guess i just wanted thhe convo to go on tomorrow. he does text me back. he just takes forever. honestly im learning that people arent stupid. they can tell when youre insincere and you shouldnt fish for compliments. i honestly just need to stop being so fake. and be sincere. i kiss a lot of ass to idk sway people in my favor and i dont have a whole lot of integrity i realy want to be more honest i lie a lot and its unecessary. definitely shouldnt lie to impress people. tell the truth or dont say anything. and if th convo ends let it end. guess i just wanted to keep going and then like not text him back? heck idk. but yea. all the times i complimented him...back in the day i did it to make him feel good but it became really just a way to get him to like me more which never works. and also like to get him to reciprocate. i dont give him the chance to say anything nice to me. it wont mea anything anyway cause i try to set him up for it. i act like i have insecurities that i dont actually have just fishing for compliments. i shouldnt need that much reassurance. K I JUST ORDERED MY TV!!! BOO-YAH! $400 but its a big old 42 inch and it's a vizeo fits all the stipulations Matt recommended to me. so Ill have that bad boy by January 14th which is the day school starts. Im putting $75 in my account every week. so by the end of the challenge I will have... idk whats 75 x 8 lol 150 x 4. ...$600. more than enough to get the prize package. which i will probably just go ahead and get as soon as I have the money. Keep the box and ship it to the person myself. I still have to pay Cherika. The deadline is tmrw. I really wish I had more people but Im going to keep a tight watch on the people I do have to make sure they do not quit. 10 awesome trasnformations is better than 30 people and a bunch of quitters. this could be a blessing in disguise! but yea. okay so im really excited to have a super nice fully furnished apt. now i just need a rug, a table, bar stools and decorations. one thing at a time. ill focus on the table and rug next. but anyway. yea. so things are good. me and him are on good terms. and i feel good about me. work is going well. workouts are going well my weight is low and my body looks good. im getting my clen he said at the latest tmrw. i dont really belive him but whatever i better have it by the end of the week. at the end of a two week cycle i ought to be looking pretty good :) im hyper. and i need to go to sleep think ill take an antihistamine. anyway. thank you God for everything. there's ups and downs but Im working on making piece with all of it and just...living the moment. and just...being real. being honest. and not being fake. cause ive been doing it for a long time and it hasnt benefitted me at all. im going to hang out with sarena tomorrow so i'll get my hair stuff so i can have pretty healthy hair yay! i miss my ombre. ugh but it was just not healthy. i like my hair how it is. i'd like my bob to be juuuuust a little bit longer but its' growing really fast and i got silica for my hair so it'll grow even faster and be even healthier. im excited about life right now. and it has nothing to do with him which is good. but yea in a few weeks when we've been apart for a while and are like new and miss eachother but hve forgotten what we look like kind of and have just kind of been friends and can get back to the fun part. i'll be able to invite him over and he'll come into a clean. good smelling, super homey apartment. and i'll be proud. looking good and feeling good and regardless of what it turns into i'll be at peace. it's going to be great to be in a good place mentally again. who knows what will happen in the next three weeks. of course im like..idk wondering about valentines day and march but rule # 1 always plan to be alone. so thats what Im doing.