Update from 1/17

So I didnt get to go over there that night. cried a little in the car. and that got me out of my lusty mood lol but i realized friday wouldve been more convenient anyway so i chilled out and he did text me back and it said "tomorrow or the next day works whichever is best for you." So turns out his schedule isnt impossible lol ANYWAY yea so i said tmrw. i was excited all day to go see him then i texted him to tell him like i was on my way kind of like complaining about traffic and i was so scared cause i got a little bit of anxiety thinking oh wait he never comfirmed what if he made plans and i cant come over today. or whatever. but yea i asked em if he needed anything from the store and he said water and gum or whatever so i went and got my feminine preparations and got him that. then went over. it was really really great honestly. i went over with a good attitude just thankful that i was getting to see him and i was like just think of it like a first date. first we just sat there talking about different stuff having nothing to do with us but like we used to. friends and different people. it was really refreshing to just sit there talking and laughing lol then like we smoked a little. then chris came home and he was like shes not gunna say hey so he came where i was and gave me a hug etc it was nice to see him and a very warm welcome. i felt at home. like nice to be home. but yea so like then we were all on the couch watching something cant remember what and this mofo...omg i dont remember him being THAT funny. i was like WOW. i mean i was crying. cause he was talking about black people clapping at a kevin hart movie and like farting in the movie and weve never talked about him farting before it was fucking hysterical. and i was like going over there it felt so new cause the two weeks felt like a month ya know we had gotten SO far apart. i think its good i went over when i did. but like i was thinking like man maybe ill go over and realize it really is over or like i wont feel the same or itll be obvious that he doesnt. and like yea all he did was remind me why lol by being awesome. and then like he told me his new plan or whatever. and then like he told me he started tanning and of course i was thinking why and which one he was tanning at and i got all like aggressive didnt mean to but i was high lol cause i was like dafuq and he was like cause i wanna look good and im like omg really what the hell. yea but there was that. i was PRETTy good about not pressuring him or talking about emotions relationship etc but when i was high i did start being really weird lol i was like rubing his face up and down in a weird way and kept saying weitrd shit but it apparently wasnt too bad cause weve been good since. but yea like i didnt think he was going to kiss me cause it took him forever too but i could tell he was trying then he finally did. and we had sex and he nutted really quick im thinking cause i was probably super tight. but we did it again. idk it still feels the same to me. it felt kinda new though cause its been so long. but yea like it went really well. when i left i remember thinking he didnt give me any hope. and that things might really be over but at least we were on good terms. said i wouldnt text em but i did just something really nice like something funny that made me hink of him and that i had a good time and hope he had an awesome rest of the weekend and he said he did too it was a good exchange he asked me what i was up to tn and i told em i was at the movies etc and id tell em how it was and yea then today i used it to pick the convo back up. didnt plan to text him but i did and it went really well. i got us matching peyton freaking manning shirts lol. but yea.. idk im really at peace with how things are its been all smiles and piositive and im in a great place mentally and i just think its a much better starting point. im happy and i want us to both be positive additions to eachothers lives. i realize were not together and may never get back together and arent necessarily exclusive were just friends and yes i still have feelings for him but i have a lighter heart now i really just wish i wouldve appreciated what we had and just went with the flow and now im just going to enjoy every moment and live in the present and see where it goes. but the day ended really well. i am going tot ry not to text him for the rest of the week. no w i feel like he MIGHT actually text me eventually. im happy we were able to make amends and things are still good. thank you God for today it was a great day. I been thinking a lot and my perspective has really changed. i guess because i had to ask myself if this is who he is would i still choose him. yea. im no longer in the mindset of like oh that ended up hurting it wasnt worth all the good times. If i had been present and just..not trying to force and change blah blah..i wouldve realized i had it really good. hes a good guy. and he cares about me a LOT. hes got his issues but i mean he spent time with me and tried his best to text me etc always made me feel very loved when i was with him. hes not going to make me feel that great in text messages. hes not a texter. hes not going to be super romantic or thoughtful etc thats just not him. BUT when im with him he is super sweet and he takes care of me and supports me. just like the little things now like almost losing him forever and still there being that possibility has made me see like the things i appreciate. like when he likes my pictures and posts. that is like a highlight of the day for me. when he texts me first or texts me back on a big football day like he did today. how freaking hilarious he is. how he's down for whatever. how he always makes me feel very wanted. how he cuddles me in the middle of the night and keeps me warm. how he kisses me on my head and my neck and just in general for no reason. just the conversations when we talk about life. hanging out with him and chris. those two weeks felt like a MONTH. and everything felt so new that night. i left feeling like he was over me and there wasnt much hope but from today and yday i feel like there is. i dont want to think too far ahead. but i mean if we ever end up even "talking" again i need to just appreciate him for what he does do instead of nagging him for what he doesnt. cause half of him is worth 100 of anyone else to me. everything from him means more to me. i now know i can be patient and its worth it. i care about HIM now and his happiness and comfort. i really want us to be positive additions to eachother lives. im thankful to have this chance even to just be friends. even though we still kiss and have sex im going into this consentually with the knowledge that he hasnt really said we're exclusive. he could b doing whatever and i wouldnt know and neither of us has the right to object to the others behavior. i wont move on because of my feelings for him but im not sure hed do the same. so i mean. this is all just taking a chance. hes worth it. having him would be worth it. and right now im just enjoying his company and getting to talk to him. im going to try not to text him tomorrow. it would just feel so great for the first time in weeks if he would text me first like he used to. it would mean a lot to me cause that would just straight up be him thinking about me. hes been liking my stuff. he liked a pic of my food. and then a pic of me with my curls. when i see his name pop up on instagram it just makes me happy. im trying not to expect anything. i do think about him more than i was. im happy though/. it feels good and fun and new. maybe this is the second chance i wanted idk. took forever to do my food. ill remember that next time. but its done. ready for my new program this week! thank you God. life is good right now and i feel great.