Everytime things seem okay....Youre Still an Asshole

So I went over there last night. I mean it was cool. We talked about everything. I told em the truth was I just really really missed being as close as we were. He said he cant say that he doesnt have feelings for me but he doesnt want a relationship and I tried to tell him I can honestly say I dont either. It wouldnt feel right. I just miss when we were best friends and always there for eachother and when we actually went out in public etc. almost got teary eyed but I didnt cry. He wanted me to stay but I didnt I left at like 130. I was so proud of myself. Because like even though we talked about stuff and I was honest..throughout the whole night I still kept in my head like the reality of things. I really have acceped how things are and being around him isnt going to change that. He did say he wants me to be happy but he would be bothered if I moved on he'd probably be upset if he saw me on fb with someone else. But I did tell him I wasnt going to like tell someone legit no because of him. But i mean i did realize if it wasnt for me we'd probably never talk. he tried to ask me why i was there and i asked him and after everything i pointed out he still said it was all because of me. so basically everything, the fact that we still talk, is cause of me. i do wonder like how long we would go without talking if it was up to him. and how long we would go without seeing eachother. it did give me SLIGHT hope ...well i mean *feeling like I really understood and accepted how things are it gave me peace to relax and not talk about it anymore. and that in time. in the absence of pressure. and with only good times to remember. we might rekindle something. who knows. so i left feeling really good and i slept like a champ. i realize now that it is almost entirely physical. i love his face. and his body. and the sex is good Ive had better but its still really good and I love kissing him and just generally everything physical involving him i love. ive been living without any support from him for a long time. hes never there for me hed be the last person id call if i needed someone. and he doesnt make me feel good sooo...its pretty much just physical. but yea so im off my bc pills and im really really in the mood all the time and i had a dream about sex. first time i can remember actually having sex in a dream usually i just try. but yea so i woke up really in the mood and to be honest i told him about how i been basically in heat lately just so i could possibly go back over there and he could help meout. but of course. out of 3 pages he only sees that im not on bc. and honestly it just pissed me the hell off. like stop worrying about YOU so much. and it made me realize as physically attracted to him as i may be he really is an asshole. he speaks out of term way too much and he ONLY cares about himself. so it ended up being an argument and it took me a minute to get over it cause he pissed me off so bad. i guess cause that morning i was thinking about vday and if i should give him hints or whatever then i realized i should never talk to this mofo about anything and i cant expect anything from him. not even for my bday, hes just not sweet and hes fucking selfish. i need to find someone else i can trust to help me with the physical aspect. or go get one of those fancy dildos. and help myself out and just fantasize honestly because its not worth the bs. i was so happy i left and i told him it was because he was so rude in the mornings. idk. i texted em pics of thestuff i got shopping today and he hasnt said anything. tmrw and from here on im going to be praying for God to decrease my lust and looking for ways to satisfy it without him and without being a harlot. i dont want him to know...idk i think its the only way ill get over him. i mean. idk. whatever was there is gone. i dont trust him. and he doesnt trust me. i mean its not in the way of like cheating. i think we both trust eachother in that aspect. but i dont trust him to like ever care about me he onl cares about his damn self. and he doesnt trust me to not want to like make it all serious. so....i mean. i dont want to lose everything completely but i mean. im literally about to start looking for household onjects. ive even thought of taking morgan up on her offer. ive contemplated hitting up garrisen but i dont like him spending the night over here. i have no one else to turn to. possibly jei paul. i know right? anywway. yea its bad. think im going to look for something that can act as a penis. or go buy a cucumber. something. because im dying and this is the last thing holding me from corey. i mean theres the kissing i will miss that. but like i really really just want to break apart from him. for a MINUTE. i think if i did...this would be completely over. i mean i cant think of the last time..well normally when he initiates me coming over i say no. i trie+d to tell him about this and he was too busy being a dick. i just....i wanna forget ya know. im not really scared of him moving on now or anything. im just...we need a break. its really really hard to do but i think its so freaking necessary. like...idk. gotta break apart from him to find out who i am. and i mean if we still end up, you know. gah its hard to picture myself with anyone else but i feel like hes a really bad habit i really want to kick. hes my comfort zone so it feels bad but i mean. dont have a choice. we need a fucking break. i need to forget all the shit hes done and everything i wanted and didnt get and forget that i ever wanted it or why. and remember who i am. and he needs to forget everything i wanted as well. and yea. maybe one day ill randomly hit him up or he'll hit me up. this tattooed country boy shows promise. except that hes allergic to cats. i think i might have bj over here tonight to have sex with me. smh. or i might go get a dildo. something must be done. for once im not thinking about him. im thinking about me. idk. i might not be able to go through with it i havent seen him in forever. im texting morgan and she just left the gym and he was there. this is like way later than he normally works out and she said he wasnt as social as he usually is. i know it wasnt because of me. he better not still be fucking worrying. cause if he is its not about me its about him. he hasnt even texted me back i texted him pics from like 5-7 maybe he didnt read my texts who knows. like what right does he have to be mad? im starting to hate this nigga to be honest he is so ridiculous and SO selfish. and i try to like get some space then a couple days later i want some ..idk...kissing and sex etc. and i want to go over there. and i do. and it just never turns out good cause what we need is time apart. completely. like WEEKS. k now he texted me back. apparently nothing was wrong and i look like a dousche. anyway. yea im just going to idk. probably buy a cucumber lol or a freaking like idk. bj said he would come over but its late and i dont feel comfortable. fuck. this sucks. i cant function like this. part of me wants to get back on my bc pills but i really just need to get my period back on track. fuck.