MUCH BETTER DAY..Removing Myself From Pain and Letting My Heart Heal

I felt great pretty much all day. mostly cause i took some awesome butt pics. for instagram and didnt know my butt looked that good. by the end of this year im going to look so freaking photogenic lol anyway yea that put me in a great mood. and also that i didnt really think about him today. then at the gym i decided to go ahead and tell him today that i wouldnt be going over tomorrow because i realized sunday is the superbowl and i didnt want him to cancel on me. i wanted to be the one. and of course he said "ok thats cool." im just..so sick of being disposable to him. i dont want to be his friend. how can i? he hurt me! a LOT. im mad at him. i get it i let him hurt me but im done doing that. im done putting myself in harms way and settling for whatever i can get from him which is nothing. i also apologized to garrisen because it breaks my heart to think i made him feel how i have felt dealing with Corey. I dont want to deal with it anymore. honestly it would be perfectly okay if we didnt speak. ever again. i mean....yea no i dont need him. i will hire professionals to help me. hes essentially useless. hes never there. its ridicullous. and i dont just want to stop giving him everything i want to take back what ive given and i want him to know. not that he'll care but i want him to at least know. thats the only consolation i could possibly get out of any of this. is to take back whats mine. i wish i could take back all the stuff i bought em but oh well. anyway yea like i want HIM to reach out and me take FOREVER. and i want to do it continuously. and i want him to invite ME over and me say no. or say yes and then cancel. but thats the thing. thats why tere will be no consolation all i can do is stop any further pain but there will be no...like...help from him. AT ALL. i wouldnt be surprised if we didnt speak again for the entire month of february after today. really. like why would he speak to me? he never initiates conversation. im over it. BE ALONE. LOVE IT. i dont care. i will feel better in a week or so when i havent talked to him. right now, my feelings are hurt/ but at least im stronger than i was last week/ last week i kept saying ok thisll be the last time i initiate ok this is the last time and it never was. but last saturday actually was. he will not touch me anymore. we will not hang out. he will not see me. he will get no attention from me. he wont get the time of day. at all. i want to go on with my freaking LIFE. you wouldnt notice a fly on the wall and you wouldnt notice their absence so i dont expect to hear from him ever again and its relieving. i mean im going to be bored tomorrow and lonely and i already feel kinda shitty about telling him i wasnt going over there cause being with him is the highlight of my week. hes been the highlight of my life but hes also been the sole source of pain and im willing to make that sacrifice to be okay. i dont want to love him i dont want to want him or care about him or know hes alive. i want nothing to do with him ever again. now i have no highlight. there is nothing that makes me feel something or get excited or be really happy but atleast theres also nothing that rips my heart into shreds. things will keep improving from here. just gotta get through this semester. then march is my bday and the rodeo. things will get better. just gotta let myself heal.